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Venting, but I need feedback to help grow a spine.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 753994" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Acacia</p><p></p><p>I'm happy for you that you were able to get a break by leaving the country.</p><p></p><p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I would withdraw the offer altogether. Because he has already rejected the terms. I think that would be the best course of action. You offered rent money. He said he didn't want it. That instead he wanted money to pay a ticket. That's a rejection of your terms. I would not engage in further discussion about it. Let him stew in his own juices.</span></span></p><p></p><p>That said, I want to tell you that there's something that impresses me greatly about your son. His ability to make and to enforce boundaries and to set and enforce his terms:</p><p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">He's also very good at protecting his ego, deflecting responsibility, and diminishing you: </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">From what I can tell from your post, you have not yet given the money to your son. You are very clear that the money is for one purpose, and one purpose only. To pay rent for one month. That's your position. There's no ambiguity here. Your learning is to hold these boundaries, and to not let him or anybody else break you or beat you down. Let alone insult or berate you.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Your son does not get to hijack your wishes. This offer of money was for his rent for one month. If he chose to not accept that gift, that's on him. This was your condition. He does not get to nullify your conditions. He can only say no to the gift. He has.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">We could question why you permit him to dominate your relationship, but what would that help? We could also comment that your son is insolent, disrespectful and entitled. But that's besides the point.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">The important thing is to take back your power. You don't have to justify anything. You don't need your son to like what you do. Your only goal is to make sure that your intentions are realized and you and your interests are protected. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I WOULD NOT GIVE YOUR SON THAT MONEY. If you decide you still wish to pay the rent, you can pay it through paypal directly to the landlord, if you can confirm that indeed a real landlord will get the money. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">All that needs to be said is this:<em> If you would like I will pay one month's rent. I will pay the rent directly to the landlord. </em>And no more. <em>Let me know to whom I send the payment, and the address, if you choose, to accept this gift. </em>And then, verify it. Anything else is not pertinent. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I would not listen to one thing more from your son. He will insult you. He will berate you. He will try to confuse you and put you down. Because that's his MO. Your job is to not permit this, by any means possible.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I think your learning is how to make boundaries in your head and with him so as to not permit him to override you. You know what you want. You know what your limits are. You have complete clarity. For some reason you give him permission and opportunity to verbally beat you up and dominate you. This is not good for you or for him. This is what has to stop. That's your learning. (And mine too.)</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">You don't need to insult, berate, put down, demand, coerce, override, which is what he does to you. Giving yourself permission to not communicate with him once he has gone beyond the limit that you've specified, is all that needs to happen. Without justification, apology or explanation. Like everybody here says, <em>No. Is a complete sentence.</em></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I am glad you came back to the forum. I think you will be able to do this very easily and quickly. The way you laid out the problem so clearly and succinctly demonstrates a great deal of insight. Which will support the people here to coach you to get a handle on this. </span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 753994, member: 18958"] Hi Acacia I'm happy for you that you were able to get a break by leaving the country. [LEFT][FONT=trebuchet ms][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)]I would withdraw the offer altogether. Because he has already rejected the terms. I think that would be the best course of action. You offered rent money. He said he didn't want it. That instead he wanted money to pay a ticket. That's a rejection of your terms. I would not engage in further discussion about it. Let him stew in his own juices.[/COLOR][/FONT][/LEFT] That said, I want to tell you that there's something that impresses me greatly about your son. His ability to make and to enforce boundaries and to set and enforce his terms: [LEFT][FONT=trebuchet ms][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)] He's also very good at protecting his ego, deflecting responsibility, and diminishing you: From what I can tell from your post, you have not yet given the money to your son. You are very clear that the money is for one purpose, and one purpose only. To pay rent for one month. That's your position. There's no ambiguity here. Your learning is to hold these boundaries, and to not let him or anybody else break you or beat you down. Let alone insult or berate you. Your son does not get to hijack your wishes. This offer of money was for his rent for one month. If he chose to not accept that gift, that's on him. This was your condition. He does not get to nullify your conditions. He can only say no to the gift. He has. We could question why you permit him to dominate your relationship, but what would that help? We could also comment that your son is insolent, disrespectful and entitled. But that's besides the point. The important thing is to take back your power. You don't have to justify anything. You don't need your son to like what you do. Your only goal is to make sure that your intentions are realized and you and your interests are protected. I WOULD NOT GIVE YOUR SON THAT MONEY. If you decide you still wish to pay the rent, you can pay it through paypal directly to the landlord, if you can confirm that indeed a real landlord will get the money. All that needs to be said is this:[I] If you would like I will pay one month's rent. I will pay the rent directly to the landlord. [/I]And no more. [I]Let me know to whom I send the payment, and the address, if you choose, to accept this gift. [/I]And then, verify it. Anything else is not pertinent. I would not listen to one thing more from your son. He will insult you. He will berate you. He will try to confuse you and put you down. Because that's his MO. Your job is to not permit this, by any means possible. I think your learning is how to make boundaries in your head and with him so as to not permit him to override you. You know what you want. You know what your limits are. You have complete clarity. For some reason you give him permission and opportunity to verbally beat you up and dominate you. This is not good for you or for him. This is what has to stop. That's your learning. (And mine too.) You don't need to insult, berate, put down, demand, coerce, override, which is what he does to you. Giving yourself permission to not communicate with him once he has gone beyond the limit that you've specified, is all that needs to happen. Without justification, apology or explanation. Like everybody here says, [I]No. Is a complete sentence.[/I] I am glad you came back to the forum. I think you will be able to do this very easily and quickly. The way you laid out the problem so clearly and succinctly demonstrates a great deal of insight. Which will support the people here to coach you to get a handle on this. [/COLOR][/FONT][/LEFT] [/QUOTE]
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