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Venting, but I need feedback to help grow a spine.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 753998" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>It is late and I did not read any responses, but this is my feedback. Take what you like and leave the rest. I am so sorry for your pain.</p><p></p><p>First of all, it is so important in my opinion for us mothers with addicted children to keep clarity and sanity in our lives. I need outside reinforcement. Both my husband and I go to Al Anon and private therapy. These help so much as far as supporting our decisions about how to handle our adult child. I do not know how anyone in our situation can do this alone and stay consistent and clear-headed and not get guilted into slipping up. If some people can, they are stronger than us.</p><p></p><p> Our church family is also very supportive. I strongly suggest looking at resources to help YOU. I am so glad you were able to get away. That helps so much. Distance helps. I feel it is better if we don't live close to them for our sakes and theirs. If we must, vacations are great!</p><p></p><p>As for money, we never gave Kay any money. We knew she would not spend it the way we wanted it spent. If you want to pay your son's rent, pay it directly to the landlord. He doesn't need to handle the money. If you give him a gift, the money no longer is yours and he can spend it any way he likes. You can't force him to spend it on a specific thing. Remember....we can not control our 30 year old kids, no matter how young they act. They are legally free to do whatever they want to do with a cash gift. The only way not to help your son do something you don't want him to do is to not give cash.I would buy him groceries and bring them to him or pay for some other necessity again with you handling the cash. </p><p></p><p>It is not safe for our addicted kids to have extra cash. Even if they are currently doing better, you never know. Your son doesn't need the temptation of $1500 in his hands for rent. He already told you he will do what he likes. Although I am aware that rudeness is part of addiction, I no longer tolerate that from my daughter. She has cut us off and we will probably not get her a Christmas gift. She will be homeless by then with no address anyway. Her child now lives with my other daughter. We usually gave her gifts that benefited our grandson. I won't help her live a useless, intoxicated and childish lifestyle anymore. I hope I don't sound like a witch. At times I feel like one.</p><p></p><p>Going back to real life support, without both Al Anon and our therapist I think my husband and I would slip up and keep enabling our daughter, which is not good for our health or pocketbook and our daughter's motivation to grow up. Our groups and therapists have helped us more than I can explain. I am so very grateful for these resources.</p><p></p><p>If God is in your life, lean on Him. Give your child to Him. We did that too. If God is not in your life, lean on whatever makes you strong. It's okay to lean. We all need rocks sometimes.</p><p></p><p>I can not tell you how much my heart feels your anguish. I have so been there. I offer my prayers and gentle hugs. Together we can stay strong. May you find peace and happiness even with this horrible elephant in the room.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 753998, member: 23706"] It is late and I did not read any responses, but this is my feedback. Take what you like and leave the rest. I am so sorry for your pain. First of all, it is so important in my opinion for us mothers with addicted children to keep clarity and sanity in our lives. I need outside reinforcement. Both my husband and I go to Al Anon and private therapy. These help so much as far as supporting our decisions about how to handle our adult child. I do not know how anyone in our situation can do this alone and stay consistent and clear-headed and not get guilted into slipping up. If some people can, they are stronger than us. Our church family is also very supportive. I strongly suggest looking at resources to help YOU. I am so glad you were able to get away. That helps so much. Distance helps. I feel it is better if we don't live close to them for our sakes and theirs. If we must, vacations are great! As for money, we never gave Kay any money. We knew she would not spend it the way we wanted it spent. If you want to pay your son's rent, pay it directly to the landlord. He doesn't need to handle the money. If you give him a gift, the money no longer is yours and he can spend it any way he likes. You can't force him to spend it on a specific thing. Remember....we can not control our 30 year old kids, no matter how young they act. They are legally free to do whatever they want to do with a cash gift. The only way not to help your son do something you don't want him to do is to not give cash.I would buy him groceries and bring them to him or pay for some other necessity again with you handling the cash. It is not safe for our addicted kids to have extra cash. Even if they are currently doing better, you never know. Your son doesn't need the temptation of $1500 in his hands for rent. He already told you he will do what he likes. Although I am aware that rudeness is part of addiction, I no longer tolerate that from my daughter. She has cut us off and we will probably not get her a Christmas gift. She will be homeless by then with no address anyway. Her child now lives with my other daughter. We usually gave her gifts that benefited our grandson. I won't help her live a useless, intoxicated and childish lifestyle anymore. I hope I don't sound like a witch. At times I feel like one. Going back to real life support, without both Al Anon and our therapist I think my husband and I would slip up and keep enabling our daughter, which is not good for our health or pocketbook and our daughter's motivation to grow up. Our groups and therapists have helped us more than I can explain. I am so very grateful for these resources. If God is in your life, lean on Him. Give your child to Him. We did that too. If God is not in your life, lean on whatever makes you strong. It's okay to lean. We all need rocks sometimes. I can not tell you how much my heart feels your anguish. I have so been there. I offer my prayers and gentle hugs. Together we can stay strong. May you find peace and happiness even with this horrible elephant in the room. [/QUOTE]
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