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Verbally abusive bullying adult son
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 748851" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>His decision to NOT go to food pantries is his decision to make. Not yours. But having made that decision, he is the one that bears the brunt of it. Not you.</p><p></p><p>My son is homeless. He decided to no longer ask me for money, not me. Often he is without money for food at the 10th day of the month. I don't know how he feeds himself, but he does.</p><p></p><p>The mistake we make (I am raising my hand here) is that we insert ourselves in their lives. Like somehow we have something to do with their being without money or food.. Or we have some responsibility that they don't want to work, to make them work. Or we have some responsibility that they go to college. Or get services. That we have a right to take responsibility to motivate them. This is where the problems come from. We are not part of their solutions. We are obstacles. Yes. That.</p><p></p><p>We don't have that responsibility or that right to insert ourselves in their lives. When we do, we confound ugly situations and make them worse. (Now I am carving out a big exception for myself here, because my son has an illness. And he requires treatment. I know I don't have either the right or responsibility to make him get treatment, but I forgive myself that I try.)</p><p></p><p>If we get out of their business, we are no longer responsible. But this is tough. Because there is a lot of grief and fear and guilt involved. This is what we call here, FOG. </p><p></p><p>Your son has bought into this too, the self-deception that you are responsible for him (big time), that Mama is responsible to feed him, move him, sustain him. NO. But in the main this is NOT the problem, what he thinks or does not think. IS NOT THE PROBLEM.</p><p> </p><p><u>The issue here is what YOU think.</u> These are adult men. They are responsible. For what they think. And what they do. It has not one thing to do with you. Or me. There needs to be some degree of outrage here. I am hearing the F word in my head, or maybe the H word, followed by "NO."</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 748851, member: 18958"] His decision to NOT go to food pantries is his decision to make. Not yours. But having made that decision, he is the one that bears the brunt of it. Not you. My son is homeless. He decided to no longer ask me for money, not me. Often he is without money for food at the 10th day of the month. I don't know how he feeds himself, but he does. The mistake we make (I am raising my hand here) is that we insert ourselves in their lives. Like somehow we have something to do with their being without money or food.. Or we have some responsibility that they don't want to work, to make them work. Or we have some responsibility that they go to college. Or get services. That we have a right to take responsibility to motivate them. This is where the problems come from. We are not part of their solutions. We are obstacles. Yes. That. We don't have that responsibility or that right to insert ourselves in their lives. When we do, we confound ugly situations and make them worse. (Now I am carving out a big exception for myself here, because my son has an illness. And he requires treatment. I know I don't have either the right or responsibility to make him get treatment, but I forgive myself that I try.) If we get out of their business, we are no longer responsible. But this is tough. Because there is a lot of grief and fear and guilt involved. This is what we call here, FOG. Your son has bought into this too, the self-deception that you are responsible for him (big time), that Mama is responsible to feed him, move him, sustain him. NO. But in the main this is NOT the problem, what he thinks or does not think. IS NOT THE PROBLEM. [U]The issue here is what YOU think.[/U] These are adult men. They are responsible. For what they think. And what they do. It has not one thing to do with you. Or me. There needs to be some degree of outrage here. I am hearing the F word in my head, or maybe the H word, followed by "NO." [/QUOTE]
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