Wanted to update

[tryingtobestrong]

Hello, just wanted to update that my son is in a treatment facility but will be discharged Monday or Tuesday... He is refusing to do sober living, refuses to do IOP or OP and refused my offer to get a recovery/life coach to see once a week. Instead, is going back to his apartment above the store that he bought his booze from.. He has a sponsor and is on step 9 which is the furthest he has came on the steps. He seems happy at the treatment facility and said this is the first time he is excited to be sober. He found a guy that is moving to his area from a different state in Nov. and he doesn't do drugs, etc. so they did get approved for an apartment. So for the next 60-80 days he will be living alone... He said he is scared to death to be alone but still refuses to do the sober living for 2 months... Unbelievable. We offered a nice incentive but the answer was no and some added words.
So... he said "since you were going to put that money towards sober living, how about putting that towards a downpayment for a car. I need a car to go to the mountains, to the meetings, etc." I said No, that money was for sober living nothing else..
He still doesn't give up. Everyday I get a text that he needs a car ASAP... I ignore it.
I emailed his counselor but have not received a reply yet. I thought that there would be a family phone meeting to set boundaries but I guess not. I want to know when is the right time to tell him this was the last time we will pay for treatment or anything. If he gets a car and has issues with that due to drinking, we are not helping (i.e. dui, lawyer, etc)
I know... I am not thinking positive! How can one think that way when he refuses to do anything different? He calls the shots and won't do anything he is uncomfortable with.
So, I feel "here we go again.."
Sorry, had to reach out.

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi. I am very sorry but your son sadly does not want to get sober yet and should never have a car as long as he drinks. He could drive drunk and kill himself or other innocent people. I would never give him cash. We never gave Kay cash. Ever. She just could not be trusted with money. She would buy drugs. If we wanted to buy her something we did so directly with the person we were buying from. Yet I do not recommend buying him anything. We did it too much and it did not help her.

Your son can take a bus or train.

I would not talk to him if he was badgering you for a car. You do not owe him an explanation about not paying for things anymore. He will throw a tantrum if you explain. Just don't give him anything and he will get it.

I am cheering for you to be able to do this now. You have been mistreated and abused long enough. Time to detach from your son's drama in my opinion.

Prayers and hugs !!!

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Trying

You sound good! I can hear the changes in you.

I want to know when is the right time to tell him this was the last time we will pay for treatment or anything.

You have already told him. There is no need to tell him again, in my view. He badgers and badgers you:

He calls the shots and won't do anything he is uncomfortable with.
So, I feel "here we go again.."

No. It is not obligatory that you are controlled by him and defined by him. This is a personal choice on your part. At any time you can decide to not be at his beck and call. Your son is a very good teacher for you. You say this about him: He calls the shots and won't do anything he is uncomfortable with. Good for him. Why not, you decide to have this stance? You are responsible for you. He is responsible for him.

It is enough that you have decided in you to not pay for anything more. That is something inside of you, that decision. It is your responsibility to do whatever it takes to protect yourself from his manipulation, aggression, begging. All of that is designed to trigger you. You are responsible for setting boundaries, both internally and externally to maintain your safety and sense of containment.

You will not get buy in from him, at least for the foreseeable future. But you don't need it. You are doing the right and correct thing for yourself and for him.

Remember. You don't need his consent or his approval. Your autonomy and your locus of control are in you.

 

[RN0441]

Oh boy. Of course you can't think positive. Good grief I wouldn't either.

I am a very positive person but with our son got shot down so many times, disappointed so many times. You just cannot do it anymore!!

It is what it is as they say.

I'm so glad you are saying NO MORE to him. I am so glad you "got" to this place. I think he should have stayed in sober living also. He has come farther this time but probably won't make it this time (not to be negative here, but just being realistic).

If he wants a car, let him buy his own damned car!! The bank of mom is CLOSED for good.

Prayers that you are able to stay strong. It is SO VERY IMPORTANT that you do this. It is so very hard too. Do not let him badger you. Just do not.

It worked for us and I cannot stress enough how much this is vital in your son's survival!!