Reply to thread

Message

<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 681378" data-attributes="member: 17542">Dear friends, working on this guilt and shame in ourselves is so important.&nbsp; If we don't, we forever limit our own ability to care appropriately for ourselves and for other people.&nbsp; It's not &quot;just okay&quot; to feel like this...even though it is real....it's worth the work to keep on letting go of these types of feelings as they are so severely limiting in ways we can't even understand.&nbsp; I think the work starts with this, a healthy recognition that we did the best we could, and it wasn't perfect, but it was the best we could do.&nbsp; This is also an acceptance of our &quot;lack of perfection.&quot;&nbsp; We want to be perfect in so many ways...we think we **should** be perfect...we love them so much, can't love save us all?&nbsp; Media and culture sets us up here as well, so we are fighting culture as we work toward a healthy acceptance of ourselves as...mere mortals...trying hard, but failing to be perfect...and being okay with that.&nbsp; It's okay to fail to be perfect.&nbsp; Everybody does it.&nbsp; And then...what if we were able to be perfect parents?&nbsp; What if we were incredibly awesome parents...and still this happened?&nbsp; Because that is most often the truth.&nbsp; We tried so hard.&nbsp; There is nobody I know that has endured what we have endured that didn't give just about everything...everything...to help &quot;save&quot; their own child.&nbsp; It still didn't work.&nbsp; What does this mean?&nbsp; It means we can't fix everything.&nbsp; Even, sadly, as much as we want to.&nbsp; This is a mother's and a father's desperate cry in the night---please tell me what to do to help my child.&nbsp; Then, finally...after years and years...turning the cry into this:&nbsp; Please help my child, to our Higher Power.&nbsp; I can't do it, so will you please help my precious child.&nbsp; I don't think anybody believed this as much as I did.&nbsp; I'm known as an almost annoyingly persistent person, in business, in volunteer work, in friendships...in all areas of my life.&nbsp; I can do and accomplish many hard things.&nbsp; That's who I am.&nbsp; Until this.&nbsp; There was no amount of work and pushing that I did with Difficult Child that ever amounted to a single thing.&nbsp; This is one of the hardest truths I have ever had to accept in my life.&nbsp; And I resisted it for almost 10 years.&nbsp; I fought against it because I had never met a challenge I couldn't at least influence.&nbsp; Until him.&nbsp; Ah, Colleen, there is such freedom at the end of this road.&nbsp; Such relief.&nbsp; Such honesty and humility and truth.&nbsp; It's worth the fight, within us.&nbsp; And the fight is letting go.&nbsp; I have literally gotten on my knees with my palms outstretched and have...let go.&nbsp; Again and again because it didn't stick the first 1000 times I did it.&nbsp; I had to keep on and on and on letting go.&nbsp; Being that kind of humbled.&nbsp; Admitting I can't do everything. I'm not as powerful as I want to be.&nbsp; I can't make other people do anything.&nbsp; I can't fix them.&nbsp; I can't control them.&nbsp; I can't manage them.&nbsp;&nbsp; And....after years and years...I didn't even want to anymore.&nbsp; This work is a journey to a better us.&nbsp; A better you.&nbsp; A better me.&nbsp; There is no way that parents with &quot;normal&quot; kids can even begin to understand this.&nbsp; Their avoidance, and their facial expressions, and their innocent comments...they do cut like a knife.&nbsp; They know not of which they speak.&nbsp; I have dear good friends whose children are Super Accomplished who keep on and on and on about it.&nbsp; Their whole lives are their children.&nbsp; It seems they have no life of their own.&nbsp; I finally had to distance myself from them.&nbsp; It wasn't them.&nbsp; It was me.&nbsp; I am still working to let go of my own resentment of some of these people.&nbsp; I have one old friend from h.s. who sends me a Christmas card every year of her two grown adult children---one is 30 and one is 28.&nbsp; The parents' pictures aren't on the card.&nbsp; Just the two adult children.&nbsp; That is very telling, because that is her life.&nbsp; Them.&nbsp; When I was with her the last two times, all she talked about was them.&nbsp; Literally.&nbsp; How wonderful they are.&nbsp; How amazing they are.&nbsp; On and on and on.&nbsp; I couldn't be around it anymore.&nbsp; First, it cut me like a knife, and second, quite frankly, it was boring.&nbsp; I love my two sons, and I have one that is Super Accomplished by culture's standards. But they are not my whole entire life.&nbsp; I have a life of my own.&nbsp; Anyway...suffice it to say I don't go on the girls' trip to the beach with these old h.s. friends.&nbsp; I just would rather not.&nbsp; We have been very good parents here.&nbsp; The fact that we spend this kind of time on this board counts for evidence of that.&nbsp; We can't fix these kinds of serious mental illnesses and problems.&nbsp; This is way above our pay grade, and quite frankly, some things in this world just can't be fixed.&nbsp; By anybody.&nbsp; accepting that is a life's work.</blockquote>

[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 681378, member: 17542"] Dear friends, working on this guilt and shame in ourselves is so important. If we don't, we forever limit our own ability to care appropriately for ourselves and for other people. It's not "just okay" to feel like this...even though it is real....it's worth the work to keep on letting go of these types of feelings as they are so severely limiting in ways we can't even understand. I think the work starts with this, a healthy recognition that we did the best we could, and it wasn't perfect, but it was the best we could do. This is also an acceptance of our "lack of perfection." We want to be perfect in so many ways...we think we **should** be perfect...we love them so much, can't love save us all? Media and culture sets us up here as well, so we are fighting culture as we work toward a healthy acceptance of ourselves as...mere mortals...trying hard, but failing to be perfect...and being okay with that. It's okay to fail to be perfect. Everybody does it. And then...what if we were able to be perfect parents? What if we were incredibly awesome parents...and still this happened? Because that is most often the truth. We tried so hard. There is nobody I know that has endured what we have endured that didn't give just about everything...everything...to help "save" their own child. It still didn't work. What does this mean? It means we can't fix everything. Even, sadly, as much as we want to. This is a mother's and a father's desperate cry in the night---please tell me what to do to help my child. Then, finally...after years and years...turning the cry into this: Please help my child, to our Higher Power. I can't do it, so will you please help my precious child. I don't think anybody believed this as much as I did. I'm known as an almost annoyingly persistent person, in business, in volunteer work, in friendships...in all areas of my life. I can do and accomplish many hard things. That's who I am. Until this. There was no amount of work and pushing that I did with Difficult Child that ever amounted to a single thing. This is one of the hardest truths I have ever had to accept in my life. And I resisted it for almost 10 years. I fought against it because I had never met a challenge I couldn't at least influence. Until him. Ah, Colleen, there is such freedom at the end of this road. Such relief. Such honesty and humility and truth. It's worth the fight, within us. And the fight is letting go. I have literally gotten on my knees with my palms outstretched and have...let go. Again and again because it didn't stick the first 1000 times I did it. I had to keep on and on and on letting go. Being that kind of humbled. Admitting I can't do everything. I'm not as powerful as I want to be. I can't make other people do anything. I can't fix them. I can't control them. I can't manage them. And....after years and years...I didn't even want to anymore. This work is a journey to a better us. A better you. A better me. There is no way that parents with "normal" kids can even begin to understand this. Their avoidance, and their facial expressions, and their innocent comments...they do cut like a knife. They know not of which they speak. I have dear good friends whose children are Super Accomplished who keep on and on and on about it. Their whole lives are their children. It seems they have no life of their own. I finally had to distance myself from them. It wasn't them. It was me. I am still working to let go of my own resentment of some of these people. I have one old friend from h.s. who sends me a Christmas card every year of her two grown adult children---one is 30 and one is 28. The parents' pictures aren't on the card. Just the two adult children. That is very telling, because that is her life. Them. When I was with her the last two times, all she talked about was them. Literally. How wonderful they are. How amazing they are. On and on and on. I couldn't be around it anymore. First, it cut me like a knife, and second, quite frankly, it was boring. I love my two sons, and I have one that is Super Accomplished by culture's standards. But they are not my whole entire life. I have a life of my own. Anyway...suffice it to say I don't go on the girls' trip to the beach with these old h.s. friends. I just would rather not. We have been very good parents here. The fact that we spend this kind of time on this board counts for evidence of that. We can't fix these kinds of serious mental illnesses and problems. This is way above our pay grade, and quite frankly, some things in this world just can't be fixed. By anybody. accepting that is a life's work. [/QUOTE]

Verification