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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 766399" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think this is what has happened to all of us. And this is what we have to turn around, First of all we think in terms (or I did) of what will help my child. How do I effect change in him. Then I realize that my locus of control is in him, and he knows it, and I have created a monster. Then I realize I have lost myself. Well, that only happened when I truly did lose myself. Really. Don't, please don't let it go so far.</p><p>A self is a terrible thing to lose. It took me years and years to realize that this whole travail was about me, not my son. (Oh, my son has real problems. but I could just not let go, nor accept I could not make him do anything, nor control or stop what he wanted to do. )</p><p></p><p>This is what I did. M who is my partner not my husband, took full control of the decisions. He would run them by me, but I was not the decider. In a sense he is kinder than I am, but much firmer and way less reactive. I can barely tolerate my son. I love him more than I have loved anybody in my life, but he triggers me big, big time.</p><p></p><p>My son has not changed for the better in terms of his choices and lifestyle, but he has changed in how he treats us. I mean, it's still not great, but less hostility, a little more empathy. No more suicidal threats. I can't remember the last time he hung up on me. I think it was both of the two above changes I made. He sees that I will respond to him based on how I am treated. He sees I will let him suffer the consequences of his actions. He sees I can and did detach.</p><p></p><p>I have suffered real heartbreak and our story is heartbreaking, but I don't have to break myself or let anybody break me. I took responsibility to be whole. Thank God.</p><p></p><p>Welcome to you. I am glad you're here with us.</p><p></p><p>I have been on this site maybe 10 years. It took me many of those years to accept that I was the one who had the responsibility to change, and to accept that my son had the right to live as he chose and is able, but I don't have to follow him there or accept the consequences of his choices and lifestyle.</p><p></p><p>Take care. We can choose to not suffer. Really. It is a learning process. But doable. I am proof. I was a basket case. Ask anybody here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 766399, member: 18958"] I think this is what has happened to all of us. And this is what we have to turn around, First of all we think in terms (or I did) of what will help my child. How do I effect change in him. Then I realize that my locus of control is in him, and he knows it, and I have created a monster. Then I realize I have lost myself. Well, that only happened when I truly did lose myself. Really. Don't, please don't let it go so far. A self is a terrible thing to lose. It took me years and years to realize that this whole travail was about me, not my son. (Oh, my son has real problems. but I could just not let go, nor accept I could not make him do anything, nor control or stop what he wanted to do. ) This is what I did. M who is my partner not my husband, took full control of the decisions. He would run them by me, but I was not the decider. In a sense he is kinder than I am, but much firmer and way less reactive. I can barely tolerate my son. I love him more than I have loved anybody in my life, but he triggers me big, big time. My son has not changed for the better in terms of his choices and lifestyle, but he has changed in how he treats us. I mean, it's still not great, but less hostility, a little more empathy. No more suicidal threats. I can't remember the last time he hung up on me. I think it was both of the two above changes I made. He sees that I will respond to him based on how I am treated. He sees I will let him suffer the consequences of his actions. He sees I can and did detach. I have suffered real heartbreak and our story is heartbreaking, but I don't have to break myself or let anybody break me. I took responsibility to be whole. Thank God. Welcome to you. I am glad you're here with us. I have been on this site maybe 10 years. It took me many of those years to accept that I was the one who had the responsibility to change, and to accept that my son had the right to live as he chose and is able, but I don't have to follow him there or accept the consequences of his choices and lifestyle. Take care. We can choose to not suffer. Really. It is a learning process. But doable. I am proof. I was a basket case. Ask anybody here. [/QUOTE]
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