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Well, that didn't last long :(
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 635927" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Lil, I actually think your kid is as disturbed as the rest of ours and there are things you don't even know about him that would most likely shock you so it's best you don't know. From one who knows, by the way <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />. So whine all you like.</p><p></p><p>One thing I found is that it is very true that once they aren't at home, I personally don't worry as much. And, of course, that brings more peace and forces them to do it themselves. You certainly made something of yourself. Your son can most certainly work at whatever low level job he is at. We all had our first job once and not all of us were slim, fit and athletic.</p><p></p><p>When my bright, sweet but autistic son goes to work, he takes a cab. He does not drive. I mean, he is on my way to work so on the days I work I pick him up (remember, he is on the autism scale, but very pleasant). On the days Id on't work, he doesn't ask me to drive him. He takes a cab. Now he gets a cheap rate for being autistic, but he could yell at me to drive him. Our cabs here are crowded and are called "Share-a-Cab." Son is very cheerful about it. It is the good or negative nature of the child who gets to work in less than great circumstances and it is also the will. My son would never dream of missing work, and, frankly, he only has a part-time, minimum wage job and he knows it, but he gives it his all. Although I do have a difficult child, he isn't lazy. None of my kids are. They all had to get jobs in high school (part-time), got nothing for free, and work hard. If I had indulged 36, he would be a King sitting on his throne, waiting for us to hand him everything. As it is, it embarasses me when he begs his father for money as he makes a good living and secretly buys toys for himself t hat his father doesn't know about...he is one sneaky man...but I don't talk about it to my ex. None of my business.</p><p></p><p>Back to you. You will learn that it is better to let him do things the hard way rather than have it easy peasy. The more you pamper him, the weaker he will become. Young men his age are fighting for our country, in full time college, and have worked full time even in very physical jobs...your son is a man. But he may never get to be a man if you drop everything to drive him to a job just because YOU want him to have one. If he really isn't motivated to work, he won't. And if he is really motivated to work, he will.</p><p></p><p>I'd be thinking of maybe giving him ground rules to follow or give him time to leave and live on his own. There is no reason for him to bug you about things that he can take care of himself. Heck, my daughter, right after she quit using drugs, walked to and from work for over a year and it was a few miles away. Her brother, whom she was living with, wasn't about to drive her and she was very good about showing up, even promoted to manager. This is how they grow strong and change and grow and develop strong ADULT ethics and values. My daughter was on the wrong path, but she was forced to change and she did.</p><p></p><p>I hope you start thinking more about yourself than your grown son, at least as far as needs go. He doesn't need a car at all to work. And before you say "but all the jobs are far away"...kids who are motivated ride bikes, take public trans, pay for cabs, carpool...they get to work. None of my kids owned a car until they bought one and all of them are working steadily. It is not an option for them not to work or else they will be on the streets. By the way, if you cook for him, do his laundry, clean his room...I had my kids doing that in high school or they didn't have clean clothes or a clean room (I did cook).</p><p></p><p>Is my way the right way? I have no idea. It probably won't work for every adult kid. But I really can't see how treating an adult like a child can EVER work. And they don't appreciate it either.</p><p></p><p>Hugs to you. Make sure YOU have a wonderful life. Your son's life can only be as good as he makes it. Heck, 36 still feels like the world victimizes him and I can't change that. Wish I could, but I have no control over his inner demons.</p><p></p><p>By the way, I'm the Crazy Dog Lady and your dogs sound adorable <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Bostons! So cute!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 635927, member: 1550"] Lil, I actually think your kid is as disturbed as the rest of ours and there are things you don't even know about him that would most likely shock you so it's best you don't know. From one who knows, by the way :). So whine all you like. One thing I found is that it is very true that once they aren't at home, I personally don't worry as much. And, of course, that brings more peace and forces them to do it themselves. You certainly made something of yourself. Your son can most certainly work at whatever low level job he is at. We all had our first job once and not all of us were slim, fit and athletic. When my bright, sweet but autistic son goes to work, he takes a cab. He does not drive. I mean, he is on my way to work so on the days I work I pick him up (remember, he is on the autism scale, but very pleasant). On the days Id on't work, he doesn't ask me to drive him. He takes a cab. Now he gets a cheap rate for being autistic, but he could yell at me to drive him. Our cabs here are crowded and are called "Share-a-Cab." Son is very cheerful about it. It is the good or negative nature of the child who gets to work in less than great circumstances and it is also the will. My son would never dream of missing work, and, frankly, he only has a part-time, minimum wage job and he knows it, but he gives it his all. Although I do have a difficult child, he isn't lazy. None of my kids are. They all had to get jobs in high school (part-time), got nothing for free, and work hard. If I had indulged 36, he would be a King sitting on his throne, waiting for us to hand him everything. As it is, it embarasses me when he begs his father for money as he makes a good living and secretly buys toys for himself t hat his father doesn't know about...he is one sneaky man...but I don't talk about it to my ex. None of my business. Back to you. You will learn that it is better to let him do things the hard way rather than have it easy peasy. The more you pamper him, the weaker he will become. Young men his age are fighting for our country, in full time college, and have worked full time even in very physical jobs...your son is a man. But he may never get to be a man if you drop everything to drive him to a job just because YOU want him to have one. If he really isn't motivated to work, he won't. And if he is really motivated to work, he will. I'd be thinking of maybe giving him ground rules to follow or give him time to leave and live on his own. There is no reason for him to bug you about things that he can take care of himself. Heck, my daughter, right after she quit using drugs, walked to and from work for over a year and it was a few miles away. Her brother, whom she was living with, wasn't about to drive her and she was very good about showing up, even promoted to manager. This is how they grow strong and change and grow and develop strong ADULT ethics and values. My daughter was on the wrong path, but she was forced to change and she did. I hope you start thinking more about yourself than your grown son, at least as far as needs go. He doesn't need a car at all to work. And before you say "but all the jobs are far away"...kids who are motivated ride bikes, take public trans, pay for cabs, carpool...they get to work. None of my kids owned a car until they bought one and all of them are working steadily. It is not an option for them not to work or else they will be on the streets. By the way, if you cook for him, do his laundry, clean his room...I had my kids doing that in high school or they didn't have clean clothes or a clean room (I did cook). Is my way the right way? I have no idea. It probably won't work for every adult kid. But I really can't see how treating an adult like a child can EVER work. And they don't appreciate it either. Hugs to you. Make sure YOU have a wonderful life. Your son's life can only be as good as he makes it. Heck, 36 still feels like the world victimizes him and I can't change that. Wish I could, but I have no control over his inner demons. By the way, I'm the Crazy Dog Lady and your dogs sound adorable :) Bostons! So cute! [/QUOTE]
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