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Substance Abuse
What do I do with almost 19 year old son--smoking pot
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 440169"><p>Hi Feelinghelpless,</p><p></p><p>Glad you found us.... I think dealing with drug issues with your teen is one of the hardest things a parent has to go through. Our situation is similar but different in that my sons drug problems started at the age of 14 or so and is now 19. He was not squeakly clean as a teen and barely managed to graduate high school. However many of the issues are similar.</p><p></p><p>Where we are at this point is to be really clear about our goals which i will share with you. 1) To not enable his drug use in any way 2) To let him know we love him and to support him to get on his feet when he is doing things to help himself.</p><p></p><p>I have come to the point, after much heartache and a longer history and more serious drug abuse than pot, where i have realized that I cannot control my sons drug use. You think you can, you think if you put rules in place, if you cut off finances, if you don't pay for college or whatever that somehow you can control his drug use. Fact is you can't. it is his choice not yours. A choice you certainly don't agree with and don't want to support. But you can't make him stop smoking pot if he really wants to continue. I think this is hard to accept as a parent but is actually true of everything once they turn 18.</p><p></p><p>So my suggestion is to sit down and really think of the ways you are willing to help him and the ways you are not. You mentioned he got a couple of Ds, how is he doing in his other classes? College has a lot of benefits so I am not sure i would stop paying for college but I might say he would have to pay for any classes he gets less than a C in. Or I might put a time limit such as we will pay for the next semester, however if you get lower than a C in any class that is it. I don't know what the right thing to do is but i would think about it.</p><p></p><p>I would be very very careful about paying him cash or giving him any spending money. That money can be used for drugs and you don't want to support that. I would also be careful about letting him use the car or paying for gas etc. </p><p></p><p>Basically you want him to face the consequences and feel the pain of his drug use. You can't create that but you don't want to protect him from it either. He may feel right now that those arrests don't matter because nothing really bad happens... that is true the first couple of times... but the hard lesson my son had to learn is things add up and eventually you end up in jail.... and that is no fun. </p><p></p><p>I highly suggest that you find a good alanon group for parents. This has been hugely helpful for me. It is so comforting to meet other parents who have been through this, you get the dose of reality that it might not be an easy fix, and it is really about taking care of yourself.</p><p></p><p>Good luck, this is hard stuff.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 440169"] Hi Feelinghelpless, Glad you found us.... I think dealing with drug issues with your teen is one of the hardest things a parent has to go through. Our situation is similar but different in that my sons drug problems started at the age of 14 or so and is now 19. He was not squeakly clean as a teen and barely managed to graduate high school. However many of the issues are similar. Where we are at this point is to be really clear about our goals which i will share with you. 1) To not enable his drug use in any way 2) To let him know we love him and to support him to get on his feet when he is doing things to help himself. I have come to the point, after much heartache and a longer history and more serious drug abuse than pot, where i have realized that I cannot control my sons drug use. You think you can, you think if you put rules in place, if you cut off finances, if you don't pay for college or whatever that somehow you can control his drug use. Fact is you can't. it is his choice not yours. A choice you certainly don't agree with and don't want to support. But you can't make him stop smoking pot if he really wants to continue. I think this is hard to accept as a parent but is actually true of everything once they turn 18. So my suggestion is to sit down and really think of the ways you are willing to help him and the ways you are not. You mentioned he got a couple of Ds, how is he doing in his other classes? College has a lot of benefits so I am not sure i would stop paying for college but I might say he would have to pay for any classes he gets less than a C in. Or I might put a time limit such as we will pay for the next semester, however if you get lower than a C in any class that is it. I don't know what the right thing to do is but i would think about it. I would be very very careful about paying him cash or giving him any spending money. That money can be used for drugs and you don't want to support that. I would also be careful about letting him use the car or paying for gas etc. Basically you want him to face the consequences and feel the pain of his drug use. You can't create that but you don't want to protect him from it either. He may feel right now that those arrests don't matter because nothing really bad happens... that is true the first couple of times... but the hard lesson my son had to learn is things add up and eventually you end up in jail.... and that is no fun. I highly suggest that you find a good alanon group for parents. This has been hugely helpful for me. It is so comforting to meet other parents who have been through this, you get the dose of reality that it might not be an easy fix, and it is really about taking care of yourself. Good luck, this is hard stuff. [/QUOTE]
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What do I do with almost 19 year old son--smoking pot
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