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What do you do when your child is raging?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 345415" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Getting you angry with him is also him successfully engaging you, so he is getting a positive pay-off even then. I think you are suspecting this already.</p><p></p><p>He sounds to me like he is feeling insecure when it's only him up in the morning (I agree, ridiculously early!). His idea of "normal" is having you on deck meeting his every need. You in your place in his world. And you in bed in the pre-dawn, is not what he feels safe with!</p><p></p><p>We used to get difficult child 3 to wait until 6 am. It took time, but what could work for you - show him a clock face (draw one that matches the main clock he looks at) and tell him that when the clock looks like the one you've drawn, then you will get up IMMEDIATELY and be available to him. But until then, you are entitled to be in bed asleep and not getting woken up early. </p><p>Then make sure that when that time comes round, you DO get up immediately. That's part of the follow-through. As he learns that you will follow through on this sort of promise, he should begin relaxing a bit about being so desperate to have you up. But the more insecure he is feeling, the longer this takes. You simply say, "I will get up when the clock looks like that one," and insist on staying there. </p><p></p><p>YOu may need to compromise to begin with, and get up earlier than you would prefer. But over time, you should be able to move the time back to one more acceptable to you.</p><p></p><p>Also when he is raging at you for not getting up and looking after him, you won't be able to go back to sleep because he will have got you too riled. Doesn't matter - follow through. Stay calm (outwardly, at least) and be true to your word. Don't react when you do get up, simply say, "I'm here now." Think of your child as being like an impatient puppy that is howling in the laundry all night. You can't gain anything by scolding the puppy; all you can do is reassure the puppy when you do go in, that everything is alright and always was.</p><p></p><p>Don't sweat about money. It's your time he wants and there are many free ways of giving him your time. Keep telling yourself, it is an investment in him. Read books to him/with him. I used to take turns with difficult child 3, we would read a book as if it were a play script. When he couldn't handle the vocal emotion in the dialogue, I got him to read the rest of the text while I did the dialogue and read them with as much character as possible. Then when we swapped (difficult child 3 asked to) he copied how I had read the dialogue and read with amazing expression, doing different voices. This actually helped him link various kinds of vocal expression with the stated emotion ("... he said angrily")</p><p></p><p>Watching movies is another thing - does he watch the same scenes over and over? If he does, let him. These kids use techniques like this to teach themselves social skills. difficult child 3 watches TV and movies with subtitles on, even though his hearing is perfectly fine. But he understands what he reads, a lot better than he understands if he doesn't have text up. And he would rewind certain scenes to play over and over. His autistic friend did the same thing, too, when he as younger. It really is a coping skill they develop for themselves.</p><p></p><p>Somewhere in there, you have a reasonable, loving, obedient child. He just is having problems with the world because for him it is far more terrifying, unpredictable and obstructive than it ever was for you or me. If you can see his behaviour in that light, you can see that on his terms, he is being reasonable. But unless you're in his head, it just seems loud and disruptive.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 345415, member: 1991"] Getting you angry with him is also him successfully engaging you, so he is getting a positive pay-off even then. I think you are suspecting this already. He sounds to me like he is feeling insecure when it's only him up in the morning (I agree, ridiculously early!). His idea of "normal" is having you on deck meeting his every need. You in your place in his world. And you in bed in the pre-dawn, is not what he feels safe with! We used to get difficult child 3 to wait until 6 am. It took time, but what could work for you - show him a clock face (draw one that matches the main clock he looks at) and tell him that when the clock looks like the one you've drawn, then you will get up IMMEDIATELY and be available to him. But until then, you are entitled to be in bed asleep and not getting woken up early. Then make sure that when that time comes round, you DO get up immediately. That's part of the follow-through. As he learns that you will follow through on this sort of promise, he should begin relaxing a bit about being so desperate to have you up. But the more insecure he is feeling, the longer this takes. You simply say, "I will get up when the clock looks like that one," and insist on staying there. YOu may need to compromise to begin with, and get up earlier than you would prefer. But over time, you should be able to move the time back to one more acceptable to you. Also when he is raging at you for not getting up and looking after him, you won't be able to go back to sleep because he will have got you too riled. Doesn't matter - follow through. Stay calm (outwardly, at least) and be true to your word. Don't react when you do get up, simply say, "I'm here now." Think of your child as being like an impatient puppy that is howling in the laundry all night. You can't gain anything by scolding the puppy; all you can do is reassure the puppy when you do go in, that everything is alright and always was. Don't sweat about money. It's your time he wants and there are many free ways of giving him your time. Keep telling yourself, it is an investment in him. Read books to him/with him. I used to take turns with difficult child 3, we would read a book as if it were a play script. When he couldn't handle the vocal emotion in the dialogue, I got him to read the rest of the text while I did the dialogue and read them with as much character as possible. Then when we swapped (difficult child 3 asked to) he copied how I had read the dialogue and read with amazing expression, doing different voices. This actually helped him link various kinds of vocal expression with the stated emotion ("... he said angrily") Watching movies is another thing - does he watch the same scenes over and over? If he does, let him. These kids use techniques like this to teach themselves social skills. difficult child 3 watches TV and movies with subtitles on, even though his hearing is perfectly fine. But he understands what he reads, a lot better than he understands if he doesn't have text up. And he would rewind certain scenes to play over and over. His autistic friend did the same thing, too, when he as younger. It really is a coping skill they develop for themselves. Somewhere in there, you have a reasonable, loving, obedient child. He just is having problems with the world because for him it is far more terrifying, unpredictable and obstructive than it ever was for you or me. If you can see his behaviour in that light, you can see that on his terms, he is being reasonable. But unless you're in his head, it just seems loud and disruptive. Marg [/QUOTE]
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