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What does detachment look like to you?
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<blockquote data-quote="CrazyinVA" data-source="post: 611141" data-attributes="member: 1157"><p>Several things came immediately to mind, so I'll write them out without too much thought. Detaching, for me personally, means: </p><p></p><p>- reminding myself frequently that 'this is not my problem.'</p><p> </p><p>- reminding myself that my grandkids are not my kids, and therefore the way they are being raised is none of my business (this can be tough, when I see choices that may damage them emotionally " but there's nothing I can do about it, except love them as a grandmother). </p><p></p><p>- reminding myself to give advice only when asked. This grew out of giving advice that was never taken anyway, leading to frustration for me, so I remind myself that it's a waste of time and energy to give unsolicited advice. This was both the hardest, and most freeing part of detachment for me. </p><p></p><p>- along with not giving advice, I had to remind myself not to DO stuff for my difficult children. I stopped sending phone numbers, I stopped emailing them links to articles and websites, I stopped researching options for them. I just, stopped. They're adults " they can find this stuff. When I gave it to them, they just ignored it, anyway. Or lost it, and asked me for it again later. If one of them actually asks me to look something up, that's ok. Otherwise, I'm done researching for them. Why bother? This goes back to my therapist's infamous phrase that I've shared here many times: 'you're working harder than she is.' </p><p></p><p>- reminding myself that I made some pretty dumb mistakes when I was a young adult, as well. I survived. No, I wasn't mentally ill or addicted to substances (although I was certainly depressed), but still " I made some pretty awful, cringe-worthy choices. </p><p></p><p>- reminding myself that dwelling on guilt is a waste of energy. What's done is done. This is doubly true when someone is trying to project guilt onto me " I refuse to own it.</p><p></p><p>- reminding myself that my difficult child's choices are not mine. They are not a reflection on me. They own their own choices, and I have no business taking ownership of them or feeling responsible for them " or feeling responsible for convincing them to make different choices. </p><p></p><p>- likewise, reminding myself that my difficult children are not me. They don't think like me. They don't do things like I would. They are their own individuals with their own thought patterns. Expecting them to think or act like I would in certain situations is another waste of energy. Whenever I think, 'but I would NEVER do that if that happened to me,' it's a trap! &#61514; </p><p></p><p>I couldn't have come to any of these conclusions without the help of a fantastic therapist, though. I think that is key to anyone needing to practice detachment " a strong, in-person support system to help guide them through it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CrazyinVA, post: 611141, member: 1157"] Several things came immediately to mind, so I'll write them out without too much thought. Detaching, for me personally, means: - reminding myself frequently that 'this is not my problem.' - reminding myself that my grandkids are not my kids, and therefore the way they are being raised is none of my business (this can be tough, when I see choices that may damage them emotionally " but there's nothing I can do about it, except love them as a grandmother). - reminding myself to give advice only when asked. This grew out of giving advice that was never taken anyway, leading to frustration for me, so I remind myself that it's a waste of time and energy to give unsolicited advice. This was both the hardest, and most freeing part of detachment for me. - along with not giving advice, I had to remind myself not to DO stuff for my difficult children. I stopped sending phone numbers, I stopped emailing them links to articles and websites, I stopped researching options for them. I just, stopped. They're adults " they can find this stuff. When I gave it to them, they just ignored it, anyway. Or lost it, and asked me for it again later. If one of them actually asks me to look something up, that's ok. Otherwise, I'm done researching for them. Why bother? This goes back to my therapist's infamous phrase that I've shared here many times: 'you're working harder than she is.' - reminding myself that I made some pretty dumb mistakes when I was a young adult, as well. I survived. No, I wasn't mentally ill or addicted to substances (although I was certainly depressed), but still " I made some pretty awful, cringe-worthy choices. - reminding myself that dwelling on guilt is a waste of energy. What's done is done. This is doubly true when someone is trying to project guilt onto me " I refuse to own it. - reminding myself that my difficult child's choices are not mine. They are not a reflection on me. They own their own choices, and I have no business taking ownership of them or feeling responsible for them " or feeling responsible for convincing them to make different choices. - likewise, reminding myself that my difficult children are not me. They don't think like me. They don't do things like I would. They are their own individuals with their own thought patterns. Expecting them to think or act like I would in certain situations is another waste of energy. Whenever I think, 'but I would NEVER do that if that happened to me,' it's a trap!  I couldn't have come to any of these conclusions without the help of a fantastic therapist, though. I think that is key to anyone needing to practice detachment " a strong, in-person support system to help guide them through it. [/QUOTE]
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