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What does detachment look like to you?
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<blockquote data-quote="Tiredof33" data-source="post: 611149" data-attributes="member: 13558"><p>I agree it is an extremely painful process. For me it was like a death of sorts. My son started at a very early age and life at my house was living hell. I had my son in so many programs and I was so stressed out all of the time. His friends, maybe him, went so far as to steal my Christmas presents from under the tree. </p><p></p><p>He was court ordered into rehab twice and he told me that he was very close to prison time, but was sent to rehab instead. I can honestly say that my life was so painful I had A LOT of 'what in the h*** did I do to deserve this thoughts.</p><p></p><p>My difficult child was doing much better after 25, or so I thought, and then he was laid off 3 times in one year. This snapped me back into the enabling mode without even realizing it. I was right back in the middle of the drama just like before, only this time I had enough 'knowledge' to know that I was not helping and that the relationship would continue to drain me if I let it. Even with this knowledge it was so draining that I slipped into a depression, but I kept plodding along and each day I felt a little better. I focused on ME and the positives I have in my life.</p><p></p><p>I had to accept that my dreams for my gifted son were my dreams and not his. I cherished the good times when he was small and I always will. The adult drug version is a liar and a thief, extremely self centered. I have seen what he is like off drugs and I enjoyed his company, I have let him know this. I let him know that he is a good person that can have a better life when he wants it. And then I stopped talking about it. My son will weave all kinds of stories to make it sound like he is on the right path - so I don't ask. I have stopped the constant questions of 'why', I don't think there really is an answer. I have finally accepted that my relationship with my son will be a long distance superficial one. </p><p></p><p>I agree that it is much different for the older adults than the younger ones. I accept now that my son may spend the rest of his life as he is now and some days that does hurt more than other. For the most part I am peaceful and accept this as his choices, his life.</p><p></p><p>in my opinion, the facts that 1) he lives a distance away 2) there are no grands involved makes my relationship with difficult child easier for me. I completely untangled myself from the drama and I made sure girlie had zero contact with me. I still hold onto the hope that one day....... </p><p></p><p>I also recommend counseling and support for families going through this painful period in life. We need someone to guide us and let us know it's OK to put ourselves first for a change. Like RE posted, I changed and I can see positives changes in my life. I will never allow myself to be snapped back into the drama, chaos, and enabling that was my life. </p><p></p><p>So for me, detachment is acceptance for things we have zero control over, and if you want money get a job and earn it!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tiredof33, post: 611149, member: 13558"] I agree it is an extremely painful process. For me it was like a death of sorts. My son started at a very early age and life at my house was living hell. I had my son in so many programs and I was so stressed out all of the time. His friends, maybe him, went so far as to steal my Christmas presents from under the tree. He was court ordered into rehab twice and he told me that he was very close to prison time, but was sent to rehab instead. I can honestly say that my life was so painful I had A LOT of 'what in the h*** did I do to deserve this thoughts. My difficult child was doing much better after 25, or so I thought, and then he was laid off 3 times in one year. This snapped me back into the enabling mode without even realizing it. I was right back in the middle of the drama just like before, only this time I had enough 'knowledge' to know that I was not helping and that the relationship would continue to drain me if I let it. Even with this knowledge it was so draining that I slipped into a depression, but I kept plodding along and each day I felt a little better. I focused on ME and the positives I have in my life. I had to accept that my dreams for my gifted son were my dreams and not his. I cherished the good times when he was small and I always will. The adult drug version is a liar and a thief, extremely self centered. I have seen what he is like off drugs and I enjoyed his company, I have let him know this. I let him know that he is a good person that can have a better life when he wants it. And then I stopped talking about it. My son will weave all kinds of stories to make it sound like he is on the right path - so I don't ask. I have stopped the constant questions of 'why', I don't think there really is an answer. I have finally accepted that my relationship with my son will be a long distance superficial one. I agree that it is much different for the older adults than the younger ones. I accept now that my son may spend the rest of his life as he is now and some days that does hurt more than other. For the most part I am peaceful and accept this as his choices, his life. in my opinion, the facts that 1) he lives a distance away 2) there are no grands involved makes my relationship with difficult child easier for me. I completely untangled myself from the drama and I made sure girlie had zero contact with me. I still hold onto the hope that one day....... I also recommend counseling and support for families going through this painful period in life. We need someone to guide us and let us know it's OK to put ourselves first for a change. Like RE posted, I changed and I can see positives changes in my life. I will never allow myself to be snapped back into the drama, chaos, and enabling that was my life. So for me, detachment is acceptance for things we have zero control over, and if you want money get a job and earn it! [/QUOTE]
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