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What does detachment look like to you?
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<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 611339" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>Very wise words everyone.</p><p></p><p>In my case, I try to treat detachment the same way I delegate at work: "Once I hand this off to you I no longer own this. It is your responsibility. If you need help, advice or guidance, I'm here, but this is yours from start to finish. Now get to it." Coupled with one of husband's favourite sayings from his days in the aerospace industry: "Your screw-up does not equal my emergency."</p><p></p><p>It's a difficult tightrope to walk. With difficult child's functional deficits, there are some things he will simply never be able to manage on his own. That said, I think we owe him the opportunity to try, and fail, and try again if necessary. In part to find out exactly how much of life he can handle, but also to give him a better understanding of things.</p><p></p><p>Here's an example: </p><p>difficult child was given a free ticket to our local NBA team's basketball game a few weeks ago. He was supposed to meet a friend from work smack in the middle of downtown just after rush hour. difficult child assured us that he would be fine taking the subway to meet his friend, but the sports complex is right next to the main transportation hub with trains leading all over the province, the country AND to the U.S., as well as the local subways. difficult child has a tendency to get terribly lost and confused in situations like that, and in that train station he could end up just about anywhere if he gets on the wrong train. So...in this case husband decided to drive difficult child downtown and pick him up again, even though he had to drag the mini-Monster-Tots with him. That made sense to me, and falls within my definition of "helping, not enabling".</p><p></p><p>For that same event, difficult child invited another friend along. husband agreed to drive both of them to the game, and drop Friend off at her home afterward. He also bought them dinner on the way (and drove them back and forth from our house to the restaurant and back twice, when they forgot things at both destinations. Of course, the friend didn't have a ticket to the game, and husband didn't know that until the last minute. Neither difficult child nor his friend (also a difficult child) even thought to mention it. husband scrambled around and managed to buy another ticket for the game at the last minute. I thought that was going too far, it was "enabling, not helping". husband and I had a long talk about that, and agree that it's time to stop bailing difficult child out stuff like this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 611339, member: 3907"] Very wise words everyone. In my case, I try to treat detachment the same way I delegate at work: "Once I hand this off to you I no longer own this. It is your responsibility. If you need help, advice or guidance, I'm here, but this is yours from start to finish. Now get to it." Coupled with one of husband's favourite sayings from his days in the aerospace industry: "Your screw-up does not equal my emergency." It's a difficult tightrope to walk. With difficult child's functional deficits, there are some things he will simply never be able to manage on his own. That said, I think we owe him the opportunity to try, and fail, and try again if necessary. In part to find out exactly how much of life he can handle, but also to give him a better understanding of things. Here's an example: difficult child was given a free ticket to our local NBA team's basketball game a few weeks ago. He was supposed to meet a friend from work smack in the middle of downtown just after rush hour. difficult child assured us that he would be fine taking the subway to meet his friend, but the sports complex is right next to the main transportation hub with trains leading all over the province, the country AND to the U.S., as well as the local subways. difficult child has a tendency to get terribly lost and confused in situations like that, and in that train station he could end up just about anywhere if he gets on the wrong train. So...in this case husband decided to drive difficult child downtown and pick him up again, even though he had to drag the mini-Monster-Tots with him. That made sense to me, and falls within my definition of "helping, not enabling". For that same event, difficult child invited another friend along. husband agreed to drive both of them to the game, and drop Friend off at her home afterward. He also bought them dinner on the way (and drove them back and forth from our house to the restaurant and back twice, when they forgot things at both destinations. Of course, the friend didn't have a ticket to the game, and husband didn't know that until the last minute. Neither difficult child nor his friend (also a difficult child) even thought to mention it. husband scrambled around and managed to buy another ticket for the game at the last minute. I thought that was going too far, it was "enabling, not helping". husband and I had a long talk about that, and agree that it's time to stop bailing difficult child out stuff like this. [/QUOTE]
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