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What does detachment look like to you?
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 611993" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>There is much good information on how we get to an emotional place where detachment is possible in Stressbunny's thread. </p><p></p><p>Right now, things are very calm at our house. Part of what happens to parents of troubled adult kids IS that sense of calm. All those defenses we built up to protect ourselves from the intense anxiety that attends loving a child in danger soften and disappear, over time, like callouses do. </p><p></p><p>Stressbunny's thread has some important things to say about self, and about self respect.</p><p></p><p>That seems to be one of the keys to the ability to remain firmly seated in our own lives while loving someone who is self destructing ~ which seems like a pretty apt description of detachment.</p><p></p><p>What I want to do is to be able to cherish my kids without judging them and without judging myself for where they are in their lives. It seems impossible. Given that this is my intent, I am sure I will get there...but I still can't figure out what that looks like.</p><p></p><p>Stressbunny's thread got me thinking about the concerns appropriate to me for this time in my own life. The spiritual work required to remain present, to see and to celebrate without flinching, without grasping, when all of life is tinged with that foretaste of loss we become so familiar with as we age. </p><p></p><p>It's so difficult to see anyone, let alone our own children, confused and in pain. </p><p></p><p>There is so much guilt too, at having enough when, no matter what we do or how often we leap in to save them...the kids don't. And yet, I know of people who don't make much money, yet they seem to manage their lives very well on what they do have. Their parents are where they go for the feeling of family, and they contribute fully to the celebration. </p><p></p><p>This understanding is one of the few things I know, for sure.</p><p></p><p>So, these are children who, though they may be younger than mine, are adults.</p><p></p><p>This is an area of intense vulnerability for me ~ that the kids have so little. But what in the world do you do when someone you love repeatedly has nothing? Not so easy to turn away, no matter how many times you have bailed the person out in the past.</p><p></p><p>Not when the person is your child.</p><p></p><p>All of this has something to do with that piece Recovering posted here about the way things are supposed to look being the problem.</p><p></p><p>That is true, and though the reality is that the kids throw things away ~ money, time, driver's licenses, lease agreements, clothing ~ it is human nature to help. We are all walking a kind of razor's edge, when you think about it. If we don't help, we suffer in our own eyes, wondering who we have become, and whether anything is worth becoming someone without compassion. If we do help again and again and again, we suffer in a different way, feeling really stupid, feeling used and resentful and ~ well, you know the drill on that one.</p><p></p><p>It's a strange situation we find ourselves in. There is nothing simple about it. And at so many levels, it is our own survival that is at stake. </p><p></p><p>Challenge, on multiple levels. </p><p></p><p>I liked what Stressbunny said about viewing her son as an adult. </p><p></p><p>But it's kind of like this: There are some people who will hold the door for you. There are some who ignore you and slip through, letting it close in your face. I invariably hold the door. I will go out of my way to smile and hold the freaking door, though I am never, ever going to see that person, again.</p><p></p><p>Most people will go out of their way to hold the door, to welcome the stranger, to share what they have (cookies, gum, candy).</p><p></p><p>So, that partially explains why this concept of detachment is so difficult to envision, or to act on with clarity.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 611993, member: 1721"] There is much good information on how we get to an emotional place where detachment is possible in Stressbunny's thread. Right now, things are very calm at our house. Part of what happens to parents of troubled adult kids IS that sense of calm. All those defenses we built up to protect ourselves from the intense anxiety that attends loving a child in danger soften and disappear, over time, like callouses do. Stressbunny's thread has some important things to say about self, and about self respect. That seems to be one of the keys to the ability to remain firmly seated in our own lives while loving someone who is self destructing ~ which seems like a pretty apt description of detachment. What I want to do is to be able to cherish my kids without judging them and without judging myself for where they are in their lives. It seems impossible. Given that this is my intent, I am sure I will get there...but I still can't figure out what that looks like. Stressbunny's thread got me thinking about the concerns appropriate to me for this time in my own life. The spiritual work required to remain present, to see and to celebrate without flinching, without grasping, when all of life is tinged with that foretaste of loss we become so familiar with as we age. It's so difficult to see anyone, let alone our own children, confused and in pain. There is so much guilt too, at having enough when, no matter what we do or how often we leap in to save them...the kids don't. And yet, I know of people who don't make much money, yet they seem to manage their lives very well on what they do have. Their parents are where they go for the feeling of family, and they contribute fully to the celebration. This understanding is one of the few things I know, for sure. So, these are children who, though they may be younger than mine, are adults. This is an area of intense vulnerability for me ~ that the kids have so little. But what in the world do you do when someone you love repeatedly has nothing? Not so easy to turn away, no matter how many times you have bailed the person out in the past. Not when the person is your child. All of this has something to do with that piece Recovering posted here about the way things are supposed to look being the problem. That is true, and though the reality is that the kids throw things away ~ money, time, driver's licenses, lease agreements, clothing ~ it is human nature to help. We are all walking a kind of razor's edge, when you think about it. If we don't help, we suffer in our own eyes, wondering who we have become, and whether anything is worth becoming someone without compassion. If we do help again and again and again, we suffer in a different way, feeling really stupid, feeling used and resentful and ~ well, you know the drill on that one. It's a strange situation we find ourselves in. There is nothing simple about it. And at so many levels, it is our own survival that is at stake. Challenge, on multiple levels. I liked what Stressbunny said about viewing her son as an adult. But it's kind of like this: There are some people who will hold the door for you. There are some who ignore you and slip through, letting it close in your face. I invariably hold the door. I will go out of my way to smile and hold the freaking door, though I am never, ever going to see that person, again. Most people will go out of their way to hold the door, to welcome the stranger, to share what they have (cookies, gum, candy). So, that partially explains why this concept of detachment is so difficult to envision, or to act on with clarity. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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