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What does detachment look like to you?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 612055" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Cedar, I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are.............I'm glad to 'see' you.......</p><p></p><p>Your post reminded me of being in that last codependency therapy group I was in..........I would talk about similar feelings as you stated and then listen to what others had to say, what their perception of my situation was, their take on it and their protection of ME, not my daughter.............it always helped me to get back on level ground. I had to keep being reminded, over and over, that I was powerless to do anything with my daughter and that I had to take care of myself. I believe for us <em>older gals,</em> that 'taking care of ourselves' is a concept we don't just easily fall into. Taking the focus off of "the other" and putting it on us is what codependency recovery is all about.</p><p></p><p>So, as it is here, the way we can see into each other's lives, but sometimes can't see our own clearly......the first thing that jumped out at me was you struggling with your kids not having 'enough.' You may be looking at that from your frame of reference of what 'enough' is.........I'd venture to say they look at that differently. <em>Or they would do something about it.</em> They may have enough, they may even have more then you. I don't think enough is defined by how much money we have, sometimes it's defined by how much freedom we have. Our daughter's gave up the life we envisioned for them for the life they wanted...........I don't think my daughter thinks in any way the way that I do, I have suffered much more for her life then she ever will.............and I do my best to let that suffering go because as time has gone by I have noticed that while I think about what she doesn't have, she is having dinner out with friends............or I think about her not paying her bills and she finds a way to do it...........she is not suffering over her life, I am. She's busy living her life. She operates on a totally different wave and my perceptions of that can easily turn into fear because I judge her situation as not being good enough, or right, or healthy, or normal, or sane, or whatever........so I've learned to pull back from that thinking...........to stop judging her life as 'not enough.' </p><p></p><p>I see my daughter in anxiety and distress which could easily (for me) be remedied..........but for her, she needs to do it her way. I have to step aside and let her, it's her life to do it her way even if I think it should be done a different way. It's tough, I'm not always there, but it's a lot easier lately. </p><p></p><p>As time has gone by I have had to recognize that I look at her through the only lens I have, my own truth and my own value system............but my daughter doesn't live in my truth and my value system, she lives in her own and believe me, I could judge the heck out of that and sometimes do..........but it works better for me if I back up and recognize that in a certain way, this is the ultimate letting go of control..............when it's your child..........when you can do nothing to help them.............when all your efforts fail................when it continually harms you to keep trying................that's when I fell right into the serenity prayer and understood it from a deeper level..............that's where the freedom lies, <em>in acceptance</em>. Just like the 5 stages of dying, acceptance is the final frontier. </p><p></p><p>I was reminded often in my group that there is a darker side to what we may call compassion........and that is when you step in to assist, or help, or support, or give but you do it from a place of feeling sorry for the person, from a step above them, not from an equal place. I had to think about that because it comes from inside of us, and it is part of the rescuer's job jar.........a one-up position which feeds the ego not the soul. Rescuers, enablers and codependents get a lot of applause for helping others, for 'sacrificing' ourselves for others............which is why it's such a difficult concept to let go of, we get a lot of mileage out of being that great guy..............it's interesting to examine our motives..........I found that what I was calling compassion and feeling pretty good about, got some holes shot into it and made me rethink a lot of my positions. People don't want us to feel sorry for them, that feels bad, they want us to be there with them and understand.........there's a difference. Only you can go inside yourself and figure that out. It changed a lot for me though. It was a pretty big part of my own healing too.</p><p></p><p>Detachment is a huge part of what we do here with our adult kids. But acceptance is what we have to end up doing for US.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 612055, member: 13542"] Cedar, I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are.............I'm glad to 'see' you....... Your post reminded me of being in that last codependency therapy group I was in..........I would talk about similar feelings as you stated and then listen to what others had to say, what their perception of my situation was, their take on it and their protection of ME, not my daughter.............it always helped me to get back on level ground. I had to keep being reminded, over and over, that I was powerless to do anything with my daughter and that I had to take care of myself. I believe for us [I]older gals,[/I] that 'taking care of ourselves' is a concept we don't just easily fall into. Taking the focus off of "the other" and putting it on us is what codependency recovery is all about. So, as it is here, the way we can see into each other's lives, but sometimes can't see our own clearly......the first thing that jumped out at me was you struggling with your kids not having 'enough.' You may be looking at that from your frame of reference of what 'enough' is.........I'd venture to say they look at that differently. [I]Or they would do something about it.[/I] They may have enough, they may even have more then you. I don't think enough is defined by how much money we have, sometimes it's defined by how much freedom we have. Our daughter's gave up the life we envisioned for them for the life they wanted...........I don't think my daughter thinks in any way the way that I do, I have suffered much more for her life then she ever will.............and I do my best to let that suffering go because as time has gone by I have noticed that while I think about what she doesn't have, she is having dinner out with friends............or I think about her not paying her bills and she finds a way to do it...........she is not suffering over her life, I am. She's busy living her life. She operates on a totally different wave and my perceptions of that can easily turn into fear because I judge her situation as not being good enough, or right, or healthy, or normal, or sane, or whatever........so I've learned to pull back from that thinking...........to stop judging her life as 'not enough.' I see my daughter in anxiety and distress which could easily (for me) be remedied..........but for her, she needs to do it her way. I have to step aside and let her, it's her life to do it her way even if I think it should be done a different way. It's tough, I'm not always there, but it's a lot easier lately. As time has gone by I have had to recognize that I look at her through the only lens I have, my own truth and my own value system............but my daughter doesn't live in my truth and my value system, she lives in her own and believe me, I could judge the heck out of that and sometimes do..........but it works better for me if I back up and recognize that in a certain way, this is the ultimate letting go of control..............when it's your child..........when you can do nothing to help them.............when all your efforts fail................when it continually harms you to keep trying................that's when I fell right into the serenity prayer and understood it from a deeper level..............that's where the freedom lies, [I]in acceptance[/I]. Just like the 5 stages of dying, acceptance is the final frontier. I was reminded often in my group that there is a darker side to what we may call compassion........and that is when you step in to assist, or help, or support, or give but you do it from a place of feeling sorry for the person, from a step above them, not from an equal place. I had to think about that because it comes from inside of us, and it is part of the rescuer's job jar.........a one-up position which feeds the ego not the soul. Rescuers, enablers and codependents get a lot of applause for helping others, for 'sacrificing' ourselves for others............which is why it's such a difficult concept to let go of, we get a lot of mileage out of being that great guy..............it's interesting to examine our motives..........I found that what I was calling compassion and feeling pretty good about, got some holes shot into it and made me rethink a lot of my positions. People don't want us to feel sorry for them, that feels bad, they want us to be there with them and understand.........there's a difference. Only you can go inside yourself and figure that out. It changed a lot for me though. It was a pretty big part of my own healing too. Detachment is a huge part of what we do here with our adult kids. But acceptance is what we have to end up doing for US. [/QUOTE]
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