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What does detachment look like to you?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 612102" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Cedar, good morning. It's always a pleasure to engage with you...........</p><p></p><p>I was struck by this "<span style="color: #0000ff">Could it truly be that our children are making rational, intelligent, fully engaged choices...and that <u>I</u> am the one who doesn't understand, who maybe never got it, never understood the real purpose or value of life?"</span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff"></span>I believe you and I share a similar purpose and value of life, our daughter's do not. One isn't better or right ..........they're just different. I don't think we have to judge our own lives as being without value or purpose, that's a part of judgement and either/or thinking..........they can both exist simultaneously and be valuable. Perhaps your daughter has a 'different' kind of courage then you do. It takes a lot of courage to continue to love our kids regardless of how much it hurts us, I see that courage in you...........it takes courage to look within at our own demons and learn from them, I see that courage in you. It takes courage to admit to our shortcomings, I see that courage in you. You have enormous courage Cedar, your kids inherited that from you, they just went down a different road.</p><p></p><p>Yes, I do believe our kids do not see value in the things that matter to us, but that doesn't mean the things that matter to us aren't valuable. It's okay that they are forging their own value system. Except if it harms me, then I have to retreat, I have to take care of myself out of my own self respect as Stressbunny mentioned.</p><p></p><p>Emerson said, "to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else, is the greatest accomplishment." So, I think for ALL of us, it takes vision and courage just to be ourselves..........you and me included, our daughters, our mothers, all of us. Some of us get there, some of us don't, but I think we are all trying..........</p><p></p><p>I have often thought that my intense internal desire to be free, to be liberated from my family's tight hold on me was passed on to my daughter............her intense need to be free defies convention, defies my own ways of looking at it, but 'free' she is. </p><p></p><p>There is a wonderful quote by Rumi, "out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field, I'll meet you there." That is the field I will meet my daughter in. </p><p></p><p>The judgement thing is a tough one, if we're not judging someone else, we are brutally judging ourselves, it seems to swing back and forth like a pendulum..........I aspire to live in that "middle way" the Buddhists speak about, that place where one can reside without judgement, with compassion and acceptance. That field. That is <em>certainly</em> a work in progress. I practice every day and fail every day........but I continue to practice.</p><p></p><p>To accept my daughter and her choices, without judgement and yet keep boundaries around myself so as not to be harmed by her choices and lifestyle is, for me, living on that razor's edge you spoke about. One little slip and I'm left bleeding. So, I keep myself as healthy as I can. I need my strength and resolve for this journey...........</p><p></p><p>An older woman friend of mine, (who is wise and wonderful) is from another culture so has a different 'take' on things, responded to my saying, "I want to be of service" by saying, "I don't understand this concept of being of service. Aren't you being of service just by being you. If you are comfortable in yourself, if you trust yourself, if you have love in your heart and you are being YOU, then you are being of service. You don't have to DO anything, you just have to be yourself. You are 'of service' simply by being YOU." I've been thinking about what she said a lot. It blows a lot of holes in my own 'stuff' about 'not being enough.' It was good for me to hear.</p><p></p><p>That 'not being enough' belief creates scarcity, enabling, control, judgement, comparisons, striving............it's a soul killer and it's common. I've been looking at that for a long time. My daughter brought it all out in remarkable ways. I see that as an opportunity for growth. As each issue surfaces, I address it. </p><p></p><p>It was explained to me like this: if the root belief is 'I'm not enough' then many other beliefs grow out of that root. As we address the layers and layers of it, our judgments, our control, our sense of scarcity, our beliefs about not having enough money, love, time, food,.........our jealousy and envy about what others have and we don't.........eventually we arrive at that root and we can dismantle it so it doesn't run our lives <em>out of our awareness.</em> Interesting isn't it?</p><p></p><p>Our daughters pushed it all to the surface for us to grow from. That's how I look at it. Our boundary setting around their behavior, pushes them to grow too. Our self respect for our own lives and letting them go pushes them to grow too. We are students <em>and</em> teachers here I believe, just trying to be ourselves in a world trying to make us into something else. It is definitely a "heroes journey."</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 612102, member: 13542"] Cedar, good morning. It's always a pleasure to engage with you........... I was struck by this "[COLOR=#0000ff]Could it truly be that our children are making rational, intelligent, fully engaged choices...and that [U]I[/U] am the one who doesn't understand, who maybe never got it, never understood the real purpose or value of life?" [/COLOR]I believe you and I share a similar purpose and value of life, our daughter's do not. One isn't better or right ..........they're just different. I don't think we have to judge our own lives as being without value or purpose, that's a part of judgement and either/or thinking..........they can both exist simultaneously and be valuable. Perhaps your daughter has a 'different' kind of courage then you do. It takes a lot of courage to continue to love our kids regardless of how much it hurts us, I see that courage in you...........it takes courage to look within at our own demons and learn from them, I see that courage in you. It takes courage to admit to our shortcomings, I see that courage in you. You have enormous courage Cedar, your kids inherited that from you, they just went down a different road. Yes, I do believe our kids do not see value in the things that matter to us, but that doesn't mean the things that matter to us aren't valuable. It's okay that they are forging their own value system. Except if it harms me, then I have to retreat, I have to take care of myself out of my own self respect as Stressbunny mentioned. Emerson said, "to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else, is the greatest accomplishment." So, I think for ALL of us, it takes vision and courage just to be ourselves..........you and me included, our daughters, our mothers, all of us. Some of us get there, some of us don't, but I think we are all trying.......... I have often thought that my intense internal desire to be free, to be liberated from my family's tight hold on me was passed on to my daughter............her intense need to be free defies convention, defies my own ways of looking at it, but 'free' she is. There is a wonderful quote by Rumi, "out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field, I'll meet you there." That is the field I will meet my daughter in. The judgement thing is a tough one, if we're not judging someone else, we are brutally judging ourselves, it seems to swing back and forth like a pendulum..........I aspire to live in that "middle way" the Buddhists speak about, that place where one can reside without judgement, with compassion and acceptance. That field. That is [I]certainly[/I] a work in progress. I practice every day and fail every day........but I continue to practice. To accept my daughter and her choices, without judgement and yet keep boundaries around myself so as not to be harmed by her choices and lifestyle is, for me, living on that razor's edge you spoke about. One little slip and I'm left bleeding. So, I keep myself as healthy as I can. I need my strength and resolve for this journey........... An older woman friend of mine, (who is wise and wonderful) is from another culture so has a different 'take' on things, responded to my saying, "I want to be of service" by saying, "I don't understand this concept of being of service. Aren't you being of service just by being you. If you are comfortable in yourself, if you trust yourself, if you have love in your heart and you are being YOU, then you are being of service. You don't have to DO anything, you just have to be yourself. You are 'of service' simply by being YOU." I've been thinking about what she said a lot. It blows a lot of holes in my own 'stuff' about 'not being enough.' It was good for me to hear. That 'not being enough' belief creates scarcity, enabling, control, judgement, comparisons, striving............it's a soul killer and it's common. I've been looking at that for a long time. My daughter brought it all out in remarkable ways. I see that as an opportunity for growth. As each issue surfaces, I address it. It was explained to me like this: if the root belief is 'I'm not enough' then many other beliefs grow out of that root. As we address the layers and layers of it, our judgments, our control, our sense of scarcity, our beliefs about not having enough money, love, time, food,.........our jealousy and envy about what others have and we don't.........eventually we arrive at that root and we can dismantle it so it doesn't run our lives [I]out of our awareness.[/I] Interesting isn't it? Our daughters pushed it all to the surface for us to grow from. That's how I look at it. Our boundary setting around their behavior, pushes them to grow too. Our self respect for our own lives and letting them go pushes them to grow too. We are students [I]and[/I] teachers here I believe, just trying to be ourselves in a world trying to make us into something else. It is definitely a "heroes journey." [/QUOTE]
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