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What does detachment look like to you?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 612315" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I think that often many of us do not perceive ourselves in a true light, the truth of who we are does not penetrate through our own limited and distorted self perception. I believe that when we judge another often it is us seeing in 'them' what we cannot or don't want to see in ourselves. (you know the index finger pointing outwards, while the other fingers point at the self) I think we all know how that looks, it's easier to pick it out in someone else when we are on the sidelines saying to ourselves, "can't they see that they do the exact same thing they are judging that guy about?" But, no....... we can't seem to be able to see. The interesting thing is that the same is true when we admire someone..........often it is a trait we have not yet acknowledged within ourselves. That's what I was thinking when you commented about your daughter having courage............it's a trait you haven't yet acknowledged within yourself. </p><p></p><p>Telling ourselves the truth is a great act of courage. <em>You do that.</em> It's a great risk because it forces change. Choosing to learn about love from your mother in law and practice what you learned is probably the most profound act of courage, I think loving another ......husband...... children........ requires enormous courage because, as Brene Brown says, we could lose them, it puts us in the most vulnerable place..........and yet we open our hearts and dive in anyway, taking that risk........Good Lord Cedar, <em>you have that courage.</em> I think you have to face the fact that you are a <em>warrior mom with a truckload of courage</em>.........<em>.it's simply the truth.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I think growing up without mothers who mirrored our worth, our value..... we've had to carve that out for ourselves, I know I have. And, to do it in a culture where women are perceived as having less value has made that journey a challenge. From a certain vantage point, it almost makes sense that our daughter's would fight like the dickens to escape the fate they witnessed as ours and the general restrictions, (acknowledged and unacknowledged), for girls in our culture. I think one could "go crazy' under those kind of circumstances and certainly be seen as unstable and judged for the lifestyle they choose to live. And, as humans often do, in swinging to the extreme, to the opposite pole, many of the nuances, the balance points, the 'middle ground,' the harmony ..............<em>is lost. </em></p><p></p><p>I did that with my own mother.......in my quest to be nothing like her I threw the whole picture overboard. Only to find out later in life that some of those traits were positive and good and I had to go back and retrieve them. Oddly some of them turned out to be the best parts of me. But, I had to sort through it all and discover it all for myself. No one else can do that for us, we have to find ourselves in the rubble of the fire we ourselves started in our attempt to burn down the 'house of our mothers'........</p><p></p><p>I understand too that the concept of 'not enough' goes beyond what happened to us......... in my observation it's a deeply rooted universal issue........ but that is beyond the scope of this post. However, at some point in time, perhaps we might meet in that "field" and have that discussion...........I would enjoy that!</p><p></p><p>I did a similar thing about the eating and not focusing on my health. I've recently begun the ascent out of that place, but I do understand what you are saying. When my first marriage ended, I assumed the blame and anorexia followed. I was fortunate to find help quickly.....it taught me a lot.........food, too much of it, too little of it, or rigidity <em>about</em> it, is an interesting way in which we can harm ourselves. There's that control issue again............ </p><p></p><p>As this chapter with my daughter has come to this point, I am emerging from that in-between place, like I was in limbo between lives...........the 'before enabling' and 'after enabling' for lack of a better way to put it......some of my self care went on hiatus, especially the eating and physical routines.........however, I am happy to report that recently, I have 'come back to life' physically and have a new grip on that once again. I feel pretty good actually. </p><p></p><p>As I mentioned to you on another post where we were discussing judgement, I am still contemplating that Buddhist statement, "the Great Way is open to those who have no preferences." It's a mind boggling statement for me having been brought up in this culture.........and yet I know, for me, it holds a great truth which I am still unraveling......</p><p></p><p>"Legitimized prejudice" an interesting turn of a phrase.........</p><p></p><p>I am familiar with Native American teachings, I too have been interested in a way of life which respects and honors life in a manner which is often foreign to us...............my Dad was from another culture and in addition to his wildness, he taught me a lot about honor, of myself and of others. I am grateful for that piece, I believe it's what gave me the courage to begin my own healing journey when I was very young. My parents did a lot of harm to us kids, but they also gave us some gifts along the way, it's been an interesting journey to find all the different pieces, the good, the bad and the ugly............ sort through it all...... throw a lot away, sift the rest of it together into something that's formed the fabric of my life. <em>Talk about a tapestry.</em> </p><p></p><p>I think our kids are doing that too. In their own way, trying to find themselves. Trying to get us to accept them for who they turned out to be. In order for me to be whole and complete, I've had to separate not only from my parents, but from my child.............detach from <u>all</u> of them so I could find myself. Whew.......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 612315, member: 13542"] I think that often many of us do not perceive ourselves in a true light, the truth of who we are does not penetrate through our own limited and distorted self perception. I believe that when we judge another often it is us seeing in 'them' what we cannot or don't want to see in ourselves. (you know the index finger pointing outwards, while the other fingers point at the self) I think we all know how that looks, it's easier to pick it out in someone else when we are on the sidelines saying to ourselves, "can't they see that they do the exact same thing they are judging that guy about?" But, no....... we can't seem to be able to see. The interesting thing is that the same is true when we admire someone..........often it is a trait we have not yet acknowledged within ourselves. That's what I was thinking when you commented about your daughter having courage............it's a trait you haven't yet acknowledged within yourself. Telling ourselves the truth is a great act of courage. [I]You do that.[/I] It's a great risk because it forces change. Choosing to learn about love from your mother in law and practice what you learned is probably the most profound act of courage, I think loving another ......husband...... children........ requires enormous courage because, as Brene Brown says, we could lose them, it puts us in the most vulnerable place..........and yet we open our hearts and dive in anyway, taking that risk........Good Lord Cedar, [I]you have that courage.[/I] I think you have to face the fact that you are a [I]warrior mom with a truckload of courage[/I].........[I].it's simply the truth. [/I] I think growing up without mothers who mirrored our worth, our value..... we've had to carve that out for ourselves, I know I have. And, to do it in a culture where women are perceived as having less value has made that journey a challenge. From a certain vantage point, it almost makes sense that our daughter's would fight like the dickens to escape the fate they witnessed as ours and the general restrictions, (acknowledged and unacknowledged), for girls in our culture. I think one could "go crazy' under those kind of circumstances and certainly be seen as unstable and judged for the lifestyle they choose to live. And, as humans often do, in swinging to the extreme, to the opposite pole, many of the nuances, the balance points, the 'middle ground,' the harmony ..............[I]is lost. [/I] I did that with my own mother.......in my quest to be nothing like her I threw the whole picture overboard. Only to find out later in life that some of those traits were positive and good and I had to go back and retrieve them. Oddly some of them turned out to be the best parts of me. But, I had to sort through it all and discover it all for myself. No one else can do that for us, we have to find ourselves in the rubble of the fire we ourselves started in our attempt to burn down the 'house of our mothers'........ I understand too that the concept of 'not enough' goes beyond what happened to us......... in my observation it's a deeply rooted universal issue........ but that is beyond the scope of this post. However, at some point in time, perhaps we might meet in that "field" and have that discussion...........I would enjoy that! I did a similar thing about the eating and not focusing on my health. I've recently begun the ascent out of that place, but I do understand what you are saying. When my first marriage ended, I assumed the blame and anorexia followed. I was fortunate to find help quickly.....it taught me a lot.........food, too much of it, too little of it, or rigidity [I]about[/I] it, is an interesting way in which we can harm ourselves. There's that control issue again............ As this chapter with my daughter has come to this point, I am emerging from that in-between place, like I was in limbo between lives...........the 'before enabling' and 'after enabling' for lack of a better way to put it......some of my self care went on hiatus, especially the eating and physical routines.........however, I am happy to report that recently, I have 'come back to life' physically and have a new grip on that once again. I feel pretty good actually. As I mentioned to you on another post where we were discussing judgement, I am still contemplating that Buddhist statement, "the Great Way is open to those who have no preferences." It's a mind boggling statement for me having been brought up in this culture.........and yet I know, for me, it holds a great truth which I am still unraveling...... "Legitimized prejudice" an interesting turn of a phrase......... I am familiar with Native American teachings, I too have been interested in a way of life which respects and honors life in a manner which is often foreign to us...............my Dad was from another culture and in addition to his wildness, he taught me a lot about honor, of myself and of others. I am grateful for that piece, I believe it's what gave me the courage to begin my own healing journey when I was very young. My parents did a lot of harm to us kids, but they also gave us some gifts along the way, it's been an interesting journey to find all the different pieces, the good, the bad and the ugly............ sort through it all...... throw a lot away, sift the rest of it together into something that's formed the fabric of my life. [I]Talk about a tapestry.[/I] I think our kids are doing that too. In their own way, trying to find themselves. Trying to get us to accept them for who they turned out to be. In order for me to be whole and complete, I've had to separate not only from my parents, but from my child.............detach from [U]all[/U] of them so I could find myself. Whew....... [/QUOTE]
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