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What does detachment look like to you?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 613069" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Two adages popped into my mind upon reading your post Cedar, 1. The truth shall set you free and 2. You're only as sick as your secrets. </p><p></p><p>Another helpful note for me is that as Brene Brown says, shame lives in the dark, once we start telling our "stories" and telling our truth, we become "shame resilient" and healthier, happier and freer to be ourselves. </p><p></p><p>We hold the secrets of our parents cruelties and when we stop keeping that inside and bring it out to the light, my belief and my experience says, we get healed. </p><p></p><p>If you stop "dancing" then the practiced steps you and your sister, or anyone in your family will be floundering because they are doing the old cha cha and you are doing the tango (with that beautiful long red hair flowing!!). Smile.</p><p></p><p>I think healing results in not only hearing differently, but seeing, speaking, knowing, understanding, and perceiving differently. I have almost no relationship with my 4 siblings because as I have gotten healthier, I have popped out of that 'reality by agreement' that my whole family lived/lives within.................and in popping out I can see it way differently and they just can't because they are steeped in that reality, in fact, buried in it. </p><p></p><p>Your current response to your sister, Cedar, was a straight shot of truth, it didn't sound mean or unkind, it was just the truth. Telling the truth in those early environments seems weird because you break the spell induced by our parents to have their reality be truth............but it isn't truth and once we know it, we are <u>out</u>. I think when we first start really saying the truth without our usual editing, those around us who are used to us 'making nice' are perhaps offended, but we didn't do anything wrong. Unless you were waving a butcher knife and screaming while you were saying that, it sounded perfectly fine to me. Don't feel any guilt about your truth Cedar, just <em>let it rip!</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I have come to a certain neutrality and forgiveness where my parents are concerned, I realized awhile back that they were treated in much the same way they treated us, wounded children raising wounded children. Does that make it right? Of course not. My shift came about after I was quite angry at my mother and asking her how she could do this one particular rather cruel act to me when I was 5 years old. She was crying and said, "<em>that's what my mother did to me.</em>" That moment stopped me dead in my tracks, I hadn't known that part and I just felt so much empathy for her, for me, for my grandmother, for all of us. That changed a lot for me. I felt that my destiny was to stop that kind of abuse and I have, but <em>I had to spend 100 years healing from the first 10 years of my childhood.</em> And, also, I had been confronting my mother and in therapy for many years, so this interaction was years in the making.</p><p></p><p>I love your red hair story Cedar. That is a HUGE HUGE step I believe. For some of us, self love comes late, but geez, that it shows up at all is a big gift. Good for you!</p><p></p><p>Witz, I think in looking at the big picture somewhat differently,as it appears you are now doing, your response to the comments coming at you may surprise you, as with Cedar and I and our <em>mission of truth</em> lately..............don't allow others perceptions to wound you..........we had no authority as kids, we had no barrier to abuse or neglect or hurt, but <strong>we do now..</strong>.........I have also found that as I feel better within me, the external 'stuff' that used to hurt me, just doesn't show up much anymore. I think we send out a different energy, that child within us sends out a strong signal to the bully that we are defenseless.................perhaps letting that child within know that you will protect her, to soothe her..........that inner child work is pretty powerful stuff......it's helped me a lot......I don't know I might have a pat answer to invasive questions or just unconscious inquiries like <em>"thanks for asking, we're workin' it all out.......how are you doin'?"....................</em>my standard response to inquiries about my daughter was "she's still struggling." Remarkably, no one went any further in their interest after that. It was a perfect response for me. Perhaps you might say that, "we're still struggling." And leave it at that. I can so empathize with waiting for your daughter to have the babies and your Dad to die..............yikes, that's a lot to deal with. Wrap yourself up in a bubble of protective light and don't allow negative energy in........... there's my California hit for you!</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/smile.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":smile:" title="smile :smile:" data-shortname=":smile:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 613069, member: 13542"] Two adages popped into my mind upon reading your post Cedar, 1. The truth shall set you free and 2. You're only as sick as your secrets. Another helpful note for me is that as Brene Brown says, shame lives in the dark, once we start telling our "stories" and telling our truth, we become "shame resilient" and healthier, happier and freer to be ourselves. We hold the secrets of our parents cruelties and when we stop keeping that inside and bring it out to the light, my belief and my experience says, we get healed. If you stop "dancing" then the practiced steps you and your sister, or anyone in your family will be floundering because they are doing the old cha cha and you are doing the tango (with that beautiful long red hair flowing!!). Smile. I think healing results in not only hearing differently, but seeing, speaking, knowing, understanding, and perceiving differently. I have almost no relationship with my 4 siblings because as I have gotten healthier, I have popped out of that 'reality by agreement' that my whole family lived/lives within.................and in popping out I can see it way differently and they just can't because they are steeped in that reality, in fact, buried in it. Your current response to your sister, Cedar, was a straight shot of truth, it didn't sound mean or unkind, it was just the truth. Telling the truth in those early environments seems weird because you break the spell induced by our parents to have their reality be truth............but it isn't truth and once we know it, we are [U]out[/U]. I think when we first start really saying the truth without our usual editing, those around us who are used to us 'making nice' are perhaps offended, but we didn't do anything wrong. Unless you were waving a butcher knife and screaming while you were saying that, it sounded perfectly fine to me. Don't feel any guilt about your truth Cedar, just [I]let it rip! [/I] I have come to a certain neutrality and forgiveness where my parents are concerned, I realized awhile back that they were treated in much the same way they treated us, wounded children raising wounded children. Does that make it right? Of course not. My shift came about after I was quite angry at my mother and asking her how she could do this one particular rather cruel act to me when I was 5 years old. She was crying and said, "[I]that's what my mother did to me.[/I]" That moment stopped me dead in my tracks, I hadn't known that part and I just felt so much empathy for her, for me, for my grandmother, for all of us. That changed a lot for me. I felt that my destiny was to stop that kind of abuse and I have, but [I]I had to spend 100 years healing from the first 10 years of my childhood.[/I] And, also, I had been confronting my mother and in therapy for many years, so this interaction was years in the making. I love your red hair story Cedar. That is a HUGE HUGE step I believe. For some of us, self love comes late, but geez, that it shows up at all is a big gift. Good for you! Witz, I think in looking at the big picture somewhat differently,as it appears you are now doing, your response to the comments coming at you may surprise you, as with Cedar and I and our [I]mission of truth[/I] lately..............don't allow others perceptions to wound you..........we had no authority as kids, we had no barrier to abuse or neglect or hurt, but [B]we do now..[/B].........I have also found that as I feel better within me, the external 'stuff' that used to hurt me, just doesn't show up much anymore. I think we send out a different energy, that child within us sends out a strong signal to the bully that we are defenseless.................perhaps letting that child within know that you will protect her, to soothe her..........that inner child work is pretty powerful stuff......it's helped me a lot......I don't know I might have a pat answer to invasive questions or just unconscious inquiries like [I]"thanks for asking, we're workin' it all out.......how are you doin'?"....................[/I]my standard response to inquiries about my daughter was "she's still struggling." Remarkably, no one went any further in their interest after that. It was a perfect response for me. Perhaps you might say that, "we're still struggling." And leave it at that. I can so empathize with waiting for your daughter to have the babies and your Dad to die..............yikes, that's a lot to deal with. Wrap yourself up in a bubble of protective light and don't allow negative energy in........... there's my California hit for you! :smile: [/QUOTE]
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