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Substance Abuse
What does "enable" really mean?
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 745831" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>I think Kathys definition is the bottom line definition.... but it can mean a lot of different things at different times.... what bugs me is when it is used in an accusatory tone by people who really have no idea what you are dealing with or going through..... like “you are just enabling him!!”. Somehow the idea that if you stop enabling them they will get stop using or that your enabling them means their using is your fault which of course is a bunch of hogwash. I think most of us enable our loved ones at some point in time and the process of detaching and stopping enabling them is just that a process of figuring that out.. And it is a different process for all of us, and there is no right answer for all of us on each situation. </p><p></p><p>For some stopping all contact and all support is the right thing to do, for others it is not. Here is a good example... I have had people suggest that there is no way I should pay for my son to have a cell phone. I get their reasoning. I do. In some ways it is totally enabling him... expecially when he was not doing well and was homeless but at the time it was also the only way at times I could be sure he was alive and that helped me sleep at night and so for my own peace of mind we kept paying for his phone. I didnt care if was enabling or not, I did it for me. And it is one thing not matter how he is doing, even if he really goes down hilll and totally relapses I will continue to pay for a phone..... because it helpe me. </p><p></p><p>So at this point I try not to do things for my son he can do for himself, we help him when he is helping himself and we do not when he is not. He has been homeless before and he knows he could be homeless again. I would not prevent that from happening. However I also do try to think about what gives me peace of mind and take care of myself in the process. </p><p></p><p>I have come to realize at least with my son this is a long term process..... in which he seems to be maybe slowly making progress.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 745831, member: 15801"] I think Kathys definition is the bottom line definition.... but it can mean a lot of different things at different times.... what bugs me is when it is used in an accusatory tone by people who really have no idea what you are dealing with or going through..... like “you are just enabling him!!”. Somehow the idea that if you stop enabling them they will get stop using or that your enabling them means their using is your fault which of course is a bunch of hogwash. I think most of us enable our loved ones at some point in time and the process of detaching and stopping enabling them is just that a process of figuring that out.. And it is a different process for all of us, and there is no right answer for all of us on each situation. For some stopping all contact and all support is the right thing to do, for others it is not. Here is a good example... I have had people suggest that there is no way I should pay for my son to have a cell phone. I get their reasoning. I do. In some ways it is totally enabling him... expecially when he was not doing well and was homeless but at the time it was also the only way at times I could be sure he was alive and that helped me sleep at night and so for my own peace of mind we kept paying for his phone. I didnt care if was enabling or not, I did it for me. And it is one thing not matter how he is doing, even if he really goes down hilll and totally relapses I will continue to pay for a phone..... because it helpe me. So at this point I try not to do things for my son he can do for himself, we help him when he is helping himself and we do not when he is not. He has been homeless before and he knows he could be homeless again. I would not prevent that from happening. However I also do try to think about what gives me peace of mind and take care of myself in the process. I have come to realize at least with my son this is a long term process..... in which he seems to be maybe slowly making progress. TL [/QUOTE]
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