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What does it mean when a child blatantly steals from you?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 517690" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Hi JillS,</p><p>Welcome! I am happy you found us, but sorry you had to. I understand how you feel, as I imagine most of us will, we all have kids who seem for one reason or another, drugs, alcohol or mental illness, have a failure to launch themselves into what we might call a normal life. I am sorry for the predicament you find yourself in, I know how frustrated, angry, sad and disappointed you feel. </p><p></p><p>My initial reaction to your plight is that stealing from you is <em><strong>absolutely not okay. </strong></em> He is old enough to know right from wrong and allowing him to get away with this behavior is enabling him. He needs to find a job and support himself. Hanging out and smoking pot and stealing is ridiculous behavior, which you have every right to be angry about and to<u> put a stop to it immediately. </u> He needs to understand since you pay the bills and it's your apartment, he has to live by your rules. Reading your journal and stealing money out of it is remarkably insulting and reason to ask him to leave!!</p><p> </p><p>At this point, I don't believe what he wants has any validity at all. It is WHAT YOU WANT THAT COUNTS. I have a very good friend who lives in NYC and recently she gave her 22 year old daughter 6 months to find a place to live since her apartment was going out of rent control and skyrocketing in rent and she could only afford a one bedroom, not the two bedroom they were accustomed to . The daughter drug her feet for awhile until she realized her mom was serious and then she found a job and within months found an apartment in Queens with another girl, which was affordable and clean and in pretty good shape in a good neighborhood. So, even in NYC or the boroughs, it can be done.</p><p></p><p>As many of us find on this site, there comes a time when we need to detach from our grown kids and concentrate on our own lives. I think there is a point between his living with you and you throwing him out on the streets, where you can begin the process of detaching from him. It doesn't have to be either /or, something in between will work. Perhaps a time limit, like, 'you have 3 months to find a job and remove yourself from my home, and in the meantime, next time you steal from me, know that I will call the police. And, next time you go in my closet or read my journal, you will find all of your belongings thrown out of the window onto the street since I will then have the same respect for you and your things as you have for me and mine." </p><p></p><p>Just a thought...............</p><p></p><p>In the meantime, keep venting here, talking about it with us. Find other supports, maybe therapy if that works for you, or a 12 step group, or a CoDa group (Codependency Anonymous) </p><p></p><p>You might come up with a plan that works for you, step by step, so he and you are clear about your boundaries and what is going to happen. It's your life now, not his, he has to start his now, give him a boot in the right direction. You are not a failure, you are a Mom, doing what me and most of us have done, but it's now time to change and get him on his path to his life. Some of our little chicks need help to leave the nest, and making it easy for them to stay hurts them in the long run and keeps them stuck in the short run. </p><p></p><p>Hugs to you. Blessings to you. Others will be along soon with their wonderful wisdom and support. Hang in there.........we are holding you close now and you are not alone...............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 517690, member: 13542"] Hi JillS, Welcome! I am happy you found us, but sorry you had to. I understand how you feel, as I imagine most of us will, we all have kids who seem for one reason or another, drugs, alcohol or mental illness, have a failure to launch themselves into what we might call a normal life. I am sorry for the predicament you find yourself in, I know how frustrated, angry, sad and disappointed you feel. My initial reaction to your plight is that stealing from you is [I][B]absolutely not okay. [/B][/I] He is old enough to know right from wrong and allowing him to get away with this behavior is enabling him. He needs to find a job and support himself. Hanging out and smoking pot and stealing is ridiculous behavior, which you have every right to be angry about and to[U] put a stop to it immediately. [/U] He needs to understand since you pay the bills and it's your apartment, he has to live by your rules. Reading your journal and stealing money out of it is remarkably insulting and reason to ask him to leave!! At this point, I don't believe what he wants has any validity at all. It is WHAT YOU WANT THAT COUNTS. I have a very good friend who lives in NYC and recently she gave her 22 year old daughter 6 months to find a place to live since her apartment was going out of rent control and skyrocketing in rent and she could only afford a one bedroom, not the two bedroom they were accustomed to . The daughter drug her feet for awhile until she realized her mom was serious and then she found a job and within months found an apartment in Queens with another girl, which was affordable and clean and in pretty good shape in a good neighborhood. So, even in NYC or the boroughs, it can be done. As many of us find on this site, there comes a time when we need to detach from our grown kids and concentrate on our own lives. I think there is a point between his living with you and you throwing him out on the streets, where you can begin the process of detaching from him. It doesn't have to be either /or, something in between will work. Perhaps a time limit, like, 'you have 3 months to find a job and remove yourself from my home, and in the meantime, next time you steal from me, know that I will call the police. And, next time you go in my closet or read my journal, you will find all of your belongings thrown out of the window onto the street since I will then have the same respect for you and your things as you have for me and mine." Just a thought............... In the meantime, keep venting here, talking about it with us. Find other supports, maybe therapy if that works for you, or a 12 step group, or a CoDa group (Codependency Anonymous) You might come up with a plan that works for you, step by step, so he and you are clear about your boundaries and what is going to happen. It's your life now, not his, he has to start his now, give him a boot in the right direction. You are not a failure, you are a Mom, doing what me and most of us have done, but it's now time to change and get him on his path to his life. Some of our little chicks need help to leave the nest, and making it easy for them to stay hurts them in the long run and keeps them stuck in the short run. Hugs to you. Blessings to you. Others will be along soon with their wonderful wisdom and support. Hang in there.........we are holding you close now and you are not alone............... [/QUOTE]
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