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What does it mean when a child blatantly steals from you?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 517842" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>JillS. </p><p></p><p>Hi and welcome to the board. It would be my hope that you find us a soft place to land. I think that's the wording that may have even brought you to us? The odd thing for me about those words -soft place to land is that out of all the things you typed in your initial, and subsequent posts to us? The one thing that jumped out at me personally was the level of calm pouring out of you when you wrote about going to a friends house as you ran away from home. You have another soft place to land - and like it. Maybe even love it. I guess I would ask you to take inventory in that thought or thoughts about your running away and maybe even make yourself a list of all the things you enjoy about going to and staying at your friends place. Rank them even and don't be stingy with the adjectives. Use all the emotion you want -I statements like I love, I hate, I need, I enjoy, I CAN ....when I'm at my friends place. </p><p></p><p>After you have that done? List number two - and it's harder to do, by a long shot because it's not pleasant to write things about our own kids - but for your sake here - be honest - brutally honest - as if you were talking to - me, us - a stranger. Someone who will NEVER ever meet your son. Tell yourself what you DO like about your son living at home. Use all the emotions you want - Use I statements again and don't be stingy on the adjectives. </p><p></p><p>Now compare those two lists. Is there ANYTHING on either list that is enjoyable with him at home as much as it is when you run away? That's good - but I would guess it's not too many. </p><p></p><p>Now the hard part.....Write out a list of ALL the things you don't like about your son being there - I hate it when, I don't like - HE NEVER.....and as you write this list - be honest with yourself. </p><p></p><p>Now take that list and instead of reading it and thinking - MY SON - clear your mind - grab a red pen - and circle ANY of those things you would tolerate - IF the person on that list were doing those things in your home was NOT your son.......but a roommate, a boarder. Because they usually pay rent or some type of fee for having all their bills paid, food on the table, lights, water, tv, air....</p><p></p><p>When you're done circling ANY of those keeping in mind that the person on that I DO NOT LIKE IT LIST is NOT YOUR SON.......have a heart to heart with yourself - BECAUSE.....at some point? He's going to have to find his own way in life. How can he make it out there on his own if he can't even respect the rules in a living place with the most LENIENT person in the world? That cuts him slack after slack after slack - and excuse after excuse after excuse? He won't. He'll never be able to make it unless - the lesson(s) that he needs to make it in that world out there? Are taught at home. For instance - </p><p>Mom to son - </p><p></p><p>I don't like it when you snoop through my clothes looking for money to steal. (Mind set - my son did this) - Well - He does live here. (excuse #1), I'm sure he'll repay me eventually (excuse #2) I can't believe he did this I'm going to run away now (excuse #3) Damn his Father for not taking him (Excuse #4) and so it goes with a lot of parents. </p><p></p><p>Now lets try that a little differently - </p><p></p><p>You take in a homeless man who tells you : "I'm honest, I'll work, I'll help you clean, cook - whatever man - I just need a place to stay and I'll give you a little something each week to help out with the extra utilities." - AND .....then you find out He doesn't work, sleeps all day, what little money he does have was probably stolen from you, he uses it for pot, and a girlfriend, he can't help you around the house, leaves it trashed, doesn't clean, do laundry, or even bother to make you a meal after you've worked all week ? Now imagine that person - while you're at work......</p><p></p><p>That person (stranger) went into your bedroom, snooped through your private and personal things, even went into the pockets of your coat to find money, found it, spent it, lied and stole from you. What would you do when you got home and found that out? </p><p>What would you do about him not paying his rent on time - </p><p>What would you do about him trashing your home? </p><p>Would you run away from him and your OWN HOME because it was so bad there -giving him MORE freedom? Or would you toss that man out on his hiney and his possessions with him and say "You know what - we had an agreement - YOU work, YOU help, YOU pitch in - and YOU don't cause me stress!" </p><p></p><p>Or would you look at that man and say - "Oh dear - you're at it again, making me crazy and I keep stuffing my thoughts and swallowing my anger." </p><p></p><p>While it's true - our children are NOT homeless, bums -----but I asked mine a few years ago if he wanted to respect me or if he wanted to keep doing things HIS way? He said "I'm GOING to keep doing things MY way and you can't do a #($#()* ing thing about it. Next night? I got him a train ticket, shoved some clothes into a plastic bag, loaned him a duffle and dropped him off at the train station. He went to find the parent that he KNEW would love him most. He didn't die, he didn't kill himself (although there was a lot of that on the phone after he did finally call and I said well let me know where to donate your stuff) and after 2.5 years on his own ? He's better. Not perfect but better. And it's an odd thing - when you have NOTHING - and the world comes in and takes your NOTHING - how quickly you see just how much you don't like LIARS, and THIEVES and cheats, and lazy people. Because now - it's happening to you on a GRAND scale by some real life difficult child's.......that are seasoned in the art of manipulation.....way more than you over your Mother - and your little petty stealing,and lying and getting mouthy? Doesn't county out here. Out here you had better work, keep your wits about you and avoid those people Mom warned you about, and save a little money, and do things she talked about. Reality bites hard. It's not particular where it bites either. </p><p></p><p>I think you don't need anyones permission to toss out a 20 year old and have NO guilt. I do think most parents want to know that they can live with the choice they make. In saying that? I'd draw up a contract, and after you realize all the things he's doing that you don't like - include them in YOUR RULES, and add consequences - it canbe very simple - X doesn't do THIS - XXX three strikes ? He's OUT.....</p><p>Or it can be less complicated - and be - I've had it you're out - have a place to stay by XX, XXXX - formal eviction. - Before you do that? I'd make sure my valuables were NOT in the house. Trust me on that. </p><p></p><p>And what I recommend most like a broken record? Get yourself some therapy. Some people have suggested ANON groups, and for certain things I think they are wonderful. For a kid like ours? I think it's always good to have a one on one conversation/<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" />fest with a person that GETS ME - and has 45 mins for JUST ME - eyes on me, my problems and gives me VIABLE solutions to MY LIFE and all it's intracacies. It helped me more than anything. </p><p></p><p>Hugs - & Welcome </p><p>Star</p><p></p><p></p><p>Now when those lists are done? Compare the two. Is there anything on list #1 - that you have at list #2 ?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 517842, member: 4964"] JillS. Hi and welcome to the board. It would be my hope that you find us a soft place to land. I think that's the wording that may have even brought you to us? The odd thing for me about those words -soft place to land is that out of all the things you typed in your initial, and subsequent posts to us? The one thing that jumped out at me personally was the level of calm pouring out of you when you wrote about going to a friends house as you ran away from home. You have another soft place to land - and like it. Maybe even love it. I guess I would ask you to take inventory in that thought or thoughts about your running away and maybe even make yourself a list of all the things you enjoy about going to and staying at your friends place. Rank them even and don't be stingy with the adjectives. Use all the emotion you want -I statements like I love, I hate, I need, I enjoy, I CAN ....when I'm at my friends place. After you have that done? List number two - and it's harder to do, by a long shot because it's not pleasant to write things about our own kids - but for your sake here - be honest - brutally honest - as if you were talking to - me, us - a stranger. Someone who will NEVER ever meet your son. Tell yourself what you DO like about your son living at home. Use all the emotions you want - Use I statements again and don't be stingy on the adjectives. Now compare those two lists. Is there ANYTHING on either list that is enjoyable with him at home as much as it is when you run away? That's good - but I would guess it's not too many. Now the hard part.....Write out a list of ALL the things you don't like about your son being there - I hate it when, I don't like - HE NEVER.....and as you write this list - be honest with yourself. Now take that list and instead of reading it and thinking - MY SON - clear your mind - grab a red pen - and circle ANY of those things you would tolerate - IF the person on that list were doing those things in your home was NOT your son.......but a roommate, a boarder. Because they usually pay rent or some type of fee for having all their bills paid, food on the table, lights, water, tv, air.... When you're done circling ANY of those keeping in mind that the person on that I DO NOT LIKE IT LIST is NOT YOUR SON.......have a heart to heart with yourself - BECAUSE.....at some point? He's going to have to find his own way in life. How can he make it out there on his own if he can't even respect the rules in a living place with the most LENIENT person in the world? That cuts him slack after slack after slack - and excuse after excuse after excuse? He won't. He'll never be able to make it unless - the lesson(s) that he needs to make it in that world out there? Are taught at home. For instance - Mom to son - I don't like it when you snoop through my clothes looking for money to steal. (Mind set - my son did this) - Well - He does live here. (excuse #1), I'm sure he'll repay me eventually (excuse #2) I can't believe he did this I'm going to run away now (excuse #3) Damn his Father for not taking him (Excuse #4) and so it goes with a lot of parents. Now lets try that a little differently - You take in a homeless man who tells you : "I'm honest, I'll work, I'll help you clean, cook - whatever man - I just need a place to stay and I'll give you a little something each week to help out with the extra utilities." - AND .....then you find out He doesn't work, sleeps all day, what little money he does have was probably stolen from you, he uses it for pot, and a girlfriend, he can't help you around the house, leaves it trashed, doesn't clean, do laundry, or even bother to make you a meal after you've worked all week ? Now imagine that person - while you're at work...... That person (stranger) went into your bedroom, snooped through your private and personal things, even went into the pockets of your coat to find money, found it, spent it, lied and stole from you. What would you do when you got home and found that out? What would you do about him not paying his rent on time - What would you do about him trashing your home? Would you run away from him and your OWN HOME because it was so bad there -giving him MORE freedom? Or would you toss that man out on his hiney and his possessions with him and say "You know what - we had an agreement - YOU work, YOU help, YOU pitch in - and YOU don't cause me stress!" Or would you look at that man and say - "Oh dear - you're at it again, making me crazy and I keep stuffing my thoughts and swallowing my anger." While it's true - our children are NOT homeless, bums -----but I asked mine a few years ago if he wanted to respect me or if he wanted to keep doing things HIS way? He said "I'm GOING to keep doing things MY way and you can't do a #($#()* ing thing about it. Next night? I got him a train ticket, shoved some clothes into a plastic bag, loaned him a duffle and dropped him off at the train station. He went to find the parent that he KNEW would love him most. He didn't die, he didn't kill himself (although there was a lot of that on the phone after he did finally call and I said well let me know where to donate your stuff) and after 2.5 years on his own ? He's better. Not perfect but better. And it's an odd thing - when you have NOTHING - and the world comes in and takes your NOTHING - how quickly you see just how much you don't like LIARS, and THIEVES and cheats, and lazy people. Because now - it's happening to you on a GRAND scale by some real life difficult child's.......that are seasoned in the art of manipulation.....way more than you over your Mother - and your little petty stealing,and lying and getting mouthy? Doesn't county out here. Out here you had better work, keep your wits about you and avoid those people Mom warned you about, and save a little money, and do things she talked about. Reality bites hard. It's not particular where it bites either. I think you don't need anyones permission to toss out a 20 year old and have NO guilt. I do think most parents want to know that they can live with the choice they make. In saying that? I'd draw up a contract, and after you realize all the things he's doing that you don't like - include them in YOUR RULES, and add consequences - it canbe very simple - X doesn't do THIS - XXX three strikes ? He's OUT..... Or it can be less complicated - and be - I've had it you're out - have a place to stay by XX, XXXX - formal eviction. - Before you do that? I'd make sure my valuables were NOT in the house. Trust me on that. And what I recommend most like a broken record? Get yourself some therapy. Some people have suggested ANON groups, and for certain things I think they are wonderful. For a kid like ours? I think it's always good to have a one on one conversation/:censored2:fest with a person that GETS ME - and has 45 mins for JUST ME - eyes on me, my problems and gives me VIABLE solutions to MY LIFE and all it's intracacies. It helped me more than anything. Hugs - & Welcome Star Now when those lists are done? Compare the two. Is there anything on list #1 - that you have at list #2 ? [/QUOTE]
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What does it mean when a child blatantly steals from you?
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