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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 622427" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Rup, welcome to this forum and I am glad you are here. You sound strong even though you are having struggles. I feel the same way! I feel so much stronger than I ever did before but I also have struggles. Welcome to the human race, I say to the both of us.</p><p></p><p>Also your post for some reason made something bubble up in me. I want to write about it here. As a young woman, newly married, I was way too attached to my mother, instead of my husband. That was not a healthy dynamic and I see today even more clearly how unhealthy that was for my 29-year marriage. (ended in divorce about 6 years ago). </p><p></p><p>After my sister died of a long genetic illness, my mother really began to change through some grief therapy she was going to. The change was very necessary for her, I believe now. She had been a caregiver all of her life, first for her mother who abused prescription drugs and then for my sister (third of four children, I was the oldest). She needed to find her own life. </p><p></p><p>I don't think I liked that very much. She began to set new boundaries for herself and I just remember that she began to change. ( I really would like to have a conversation with her about that now, I am thinking this morning, and tell her I am sorry for my behavior.)</p><p></p><p>Because here is what happened (as I remember it now). I had a part-time job in college at a hospital. I worked on a floor as a "ward secretary" and had that job for about 2.5 years. I was/am a very friendly person and I was friendly to the doctors and nurses and all people on the floor. One doctor in particular took that the wrong way: he decided to "come on" to me one day. As a naive college student, it scared me to death. I thought he and I were friends and was shocked by this. It really was a small thing, looking back now, he didn't force me to do anything and he immediately apologized and it blew over. But back then, I blew that up in my mind as I was harassed by a person of power. (Well maybe officially but it was a one-time thing, nothing happened with my job, and life went on). </p><p></p><p>Fast forward to when Anita Hill and Clarence Thomas were in a public battle. I tied my situation to Anita's and was fierce in my support of her and her position. A man in a power position harassed her. Somehow it had happened to me. My mother didn't believe Anita. She supported Clarence. We would have long discussions about this, very heated. Somehow I felt my mother was not supporting me. I was very hurt and upset and I distanced myself from her, almost completely, for about six months. </p><p></p><p>Looking back at all of this now, I believe I was at fault for my behavior. I think there were a lot of mixed up feelings within me about my relationship with my mother. I had her on a pedestal. If she said something, that was the gospel. Whether it was about food, decor, whatever. My poor husband. He didn't have a chance. I was Momma all the way, to heck with what you think.</p><p></p><p>I can almost laugh about it, but wow, how skewed I was. So when she "didn't support me/Anita" I was betrayed. </p><p></p><p>It was all about me. And I was very mixed up. </p><p></p><p>Today, we have a great relationship and thankfully, I have grown tremendously. I moved away from where we all lived (same town) and I think that was very good for me, for her, for my marriage, etc. </p><p></p><p>I had a very very hard time detaching from my mother, who is a very strong woman and a very loving woman. She was a great mother, not perfect, but great. </p><p></p><p>Maybe my own son is having the same trouble. What a light bulb moment I am having here this morning.</p><p></p><p>I have detached and changed dramatically and I have quit enabling him. </p><p></p><p>There is a lot of learning here that I need to think about and let time show me more.</p><p></p><p>Thanks Rup! Who knew? I hope you can see how much your posting is helping me. </p><p></p><p>Please keep talking and let us know how you are feeling and processing all of this. I can imagine you are in a very lonely place and just trying to deal with all of this rejection and distance from your daughter day by day. </p><p></p><p>There is a lot of support, care, sincerity and wisdom here on this site. Please "take what you like and leave the rest." We share from our experience, strength and hope.</p><p></p><p>My best to you this day, and sincere thanks.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 622427, member: 17542"] Rup, welcome to this forum and I am glad you are here. You sound strong even though you are having struggles. I feel the same way! I feel so much stronger than I ever did before but I also have struggles. Welcome to the human race, I say to the both of us. Also your post for some reason made something bubble up in me. I want to write about it here. As a young woman, newly married, I was way too attached to my mother, instead of my husband. That was not a healthy dynamic and I see today even more clearly how unhealthy that was for my 29-year marriage. (ended in divorce about 6 years ago). After my sister died of a long genetic illness, my mother really began to change through some grief therapy she was going to. The change was very necessary for her, I believe now. She had been a caregiver all of her life, first for her mother who abused prescription drugs and then for my sister (third of four children, I was the oldest). She needed to find her own life. I don't think I liked that very much. She began to set new boundaries for herself and I just remember that she began to change. ( I really would like to have a conversation with her about that now, I am thinking this morning, and tell her I am sorry for my behavior.) Because here is what happened (as I remember it now). I had a part-time job in college at a hospital. I worked on a floor as a "ward secretary" and had that job for about 2.5 years. I was/am a very friendly person and I was friendly to the doctors and nurses and all people on the floor. One doctor in particular took that the wrong way: he decided to "come on" to me one day. As a naive college student, it scared me to death. I thought he and I were friends and was shocked by this. It really was a small thing, looking back now, he didn't force me to do anything and he immediately apologized and it blew over. But back then, I blew that up in my mind as I was harassed by a person of power. (Well maybe officially but it was a one-time thing, nothing happened with my job, and life went on). Fast forward to when Anita Hill and Clarence Thomas were in a public battle. I tied my situation to Anita's and was fierce in my support of her and her position. A man in a power position harassed her. Somehow it had happened to me. My mother didn't believe Anita. She supported Clarence. We would have long discussions about this, very heated. Somehow I felt my mother was not supporting me. I was very hurt and upset and I distanced myself from her, almost completely, for about six months. Looking back at all of this now, I believe I was at fault for my behavior. I think there were a lot of mixed up feelings within me about my relationship with my mother. I had her on a pedestal. If she said something, that was the gospel. Whether it was about food, decor, whatever. My poor husband. He didn't have a chance. I was Momma all the way, to heck with what you think. I can almost laugh about it, but wow, how skewed I was. So when she "didn't support me/Anita" I was betrayed. It was all about me. And I was very mixed up. Today, we have a great relationship and thankfully, I have grown tremendously. I moved away from where we all lived (same town) and I think that was very good for me, for her, for my marriage, etc. I had a very very hard time detaching from my mother, who is a very strong woman and a very loving woman. She was a great mother, not perfect, but great. Maybe my own son is having the same trouble. What a light bulb moment I am having here this morning. I have detached and changed dramatically and I have quit enabling him. There is a lot of learning here that I need to think about and let time show me more. Thanks Rup! Who knew? I hope you can see how much your posting is helping me. Please keep talking and let us know how you are feeling and processing all of this. I can imagine you are in a very lonely place and just trying to deal with all of this rejection and distance from your daughter day by day. There is a lot of support, care, sincerity and wisdom here on this site. Please "take what you like and leave the rest." We share from our experience, strength and hope. My best to you this day, and sincere thanks. [/QUOTE]
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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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