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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 650062" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Ok. I read it. Now I can try to help and I feel very badly for you. We adopted a child at six years old from an orphanage in another country and expected him to be able to bond with us as if we were his family. We certainly loved him and bonded with him as much as we had with our other kids, but as an adult, he left us all and it's been eight years since I've seen him. I will share my thoughts.</p><p></p><p>Nobody can make their adult children do anything, including having a relationship with them. You're lucky in that at least she isn't keeping your grandchild from you (some do), but you of course are heartbroken and miss the relationship that you wish you COULD have with your daughter. As hard as it is to believe or accept or understand, you and I have zero control over our grown children and they can be cruel enough to cut us out of their lives if they want to. My own feeling is the more I tried, the less GoneBoy, as I call him, respected me. He has two children I have never seen, but I'm used to it by now. Still, it hurts my heart when I give it thought. I do have four other kids I am close to, thank God, and I'm sure you have other loved ones who appreciate you and are kind to you. Sometimes we waste so much time trying to woo back our GoneKids and we lose touch with ourselves, whom we need to love, and our other loved ones, who get neglected as we brood. We also get depressed and stop going the things we love to do and obsess over how to fix our grown kids and how much we would do for them if only they would let us.</p><p></p><p>Well, let me tell you, there are plenty of parents here who have kids who never want to grow up and will allow their parents to financially support them and theirs their entire lives. It's no less a problem than yours and mine. They aren't usually very nice to us either. And we can't change them either. Whether or adult kids want to stay Peter Pan or want us to leave them alone, we have 0% control over them, but we do have 100% control over our reaction to their behavior. </p><p></p><p>In my case, I found out through my ex husband, the only person this Goneboy talks to in the family, that Gkoneboy has archived every letter I have written him in his computer to prove to his friends I am "crazy" and he has valid reasons for disowning me. I also contacted his church (he claims to be a devoute Christian) and got their reconciliation board to set up the only meeting we have ever had in eight years. He and his wife, who has influenced him (however, she doesn't even really know me) were so vile at that meeting...so incredibly cruel...that I was able to leave with a steady mind and a realization that this relationship had no chance of working at the time and to accept it. This was about five years into it. I hope this does not go five years for you, however, we can not plan our grown children's paths. Only they can do that. I am doing well now and counting my blessings every day, as you should. I have a wonderful husband and three AWESOME adult kids and one who struggles but loves me and two grandchildren. That's a lot of blessings! I did not see it that way at one time.</p><p></p><p>When I was going through the grieving process, I was already in therapy and I added to the th erapy, which really helped me see the situation clearly and it also gave me coping skills that said, "YOU CAN DO THIS NO MATTER WHAT! NOBODY GETS EVERYTHING THEY WANT, EVEN FROM ONE'S CHILD!L" There are no guarantees. Sounds like your daughter, much like my son, have issues of their own. Whether they will admit th em or solve them is entirely in their hands.</p><p></p><p>I would stop texting every day. That makes us both seem sad and pathetic and they will get satsifaction from it and in my opinion it will be less likely they'll see us kindly. They will see us as the old lady who is despearte and what POWER they have over us! They can RUIN us. </p><p></p><p>They know they are being cruel. What kind of people are they to do this to peoplje who love them? I contend they are not very nice people. </p><p></p><p>You may never have a relationship with your daughter. You may have one later. You may have one that you don't think is fair or is restrictive by HER rules. But it is your call how much you want to take from your daughter. For now, if you want to keep texting, I'd keep it to once a week and just type, "Thinking of you." I wouldn't even say "love you." She knows only too much.</p><p></p><p>I have no contact with my Goneboy, but I have a rich, fulfilling happy life full of blessings and loved ones. And I also had to live through a horrific family-of-origin...I am the blacksheep. I no longer know them...this was MY decision, but they don't care. It works for both of us to be apart.</p><p></p><p>I live by this prayer. Even if you are an atheist, there is so much wisdom here. Just take out the God part.</p><p></p><p>"God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change, (this includes any other person but us)</p><p>The Courage to accept the thing we can (this includes us...we can change ourselves and our ways of thinking)</p><p>And the WISDOM to know the difference."</p><p></p><p>Hugs and hope to hear more.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 650062, member: 1550"] Ok. I read it. Now I can try to help and I feel very badly for you. We adopted a child at six years old from an orphanage in another country and expected him to be able to bond with us as if we were his family. We certainly loved him and bonded with him as much as we had with our other kids, but as an adult, he left us all and it's been eight years since I've seen him. I will share my thoughts. Nobody can make their adult children do anything, including having a relationship with them. You're lucky in that at least she isn't keeping your grandchild from you (some do), but you of course are heartbroken and miss the relationship that you wish you COULD have with your daughter. As hard as it is to believe or accept or understand, you and I have zero control over our grown children and they can be cruel enough to cut us out of their lives if they want to. My own feeling is the more I tried, the less GoneBoy, as I call him, respected me. He has two children I have never seen, but I'm used to it by now. Still, it hurts my heart when I give it thought. I do have four other kids I am close to, thank God, and I'm sure you have other loved ones who appreciate you and are kind to you. Sometimes we waste so much time trying to woo back our GoneKids and we lose touch with ourselves, whom we need to love, and our other loved ones, who get neglected as we brood. We also get depressed and stop going the things we love to do and obsess over how to fix our grown kids and how much we would do for them if only they would let us. Well, let me tell you, there are plenty of parents here who have kids who never want to grow up and will allow their parents to financially support them and theirs their entire lives. It's no less a problem than yours and mine. They aren't usually very nice to us either. And we can't change them either. Whether or adult kids want to stay Peter Pan or want us to leave them alone, we have 0% control over them, but we do have 100% control over our reaction to their behavior. In my case, I found out through my ex husband, the only person this Goneboy talks to in the family, that Gkoneboy has archived every letter I have written him in his computer to prove to his friends I am "crazy" and he has valid reasons for disowning me. I also contacted his church (he claims to be a devoute Christian) and got their reconciliation board to set up the only meeting we have ever had in eight years. He and his wife, who has influenced him (however, she doesn't even really know me) were so vile at that meeting...so incredibly cruel...that I was able to leave with a steady mind and a realization that this relationship had no chance of working at the time and to accept it. This was about five years into it. I hope this does not go five years for you, however, we can not plan our grown children's paths. Only they can do that. I am doing well now and counting my blessings every day, as you should. I have a wonderful husband and three AWESOME adult kids and one who struggles but loves me and two grandchildren. That's a lot of blessings! I did not see it that way at one time. When I was going through the grieving process, I was already in therapy and I added to the th erapy, which really helped me see the situation clearly and it also gave me coping skills that said, "YOU CAN DO THIS NO MATTER WHAT! NOBODY GETS EVERYTHING THEY WANT, EVEN FROM ONE'S CHILD!L" There are no guarantees. Sounds like your daughter, much like my son, have issues of their own. Whether they will admit th em or solve them is entirely in their hands. I would stop texting every day. That makes us both seem sad and pathetic and they will get satsifaction from it and in my opinion it will be less likely they'll see us kindly. They will see us as the old lady who is despearte and what POWER they have over us! They can RUIN us. They know they are being cruel. What kind of people are they to do this to peoplje who love them? I contend they are not very nice people. You may never have a relationship with your daughter. You may have one later. You may have one that you don't think is fair or is restrictive by HER rules. But it is your call how much you want to take from your daughter. For now, if you want to keep texting, I'd keep it to once a week and just type, "Thinking of you." I wouldn't even say "love you." She knows only too much. I have no contact with my Goneboy, but I have a rich, fulfilling happy life full of blessings and loved ones. And I also had to live through a horrific family-of-origin...I am the blacksheep. I no longer know them...this was MY decision, but they don't care. It works for both of us to be apart. I live by this prayer. Even if you are an atheist, there is so much wisdom here. Just take out the God part. "God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change, (this includes any other person but us) The Courage to accept the thing we can (this includes us...we can change ourselves and our ways of thinking) And the WISDOM to know the difference." Hugs and hope to hear more. [/QUOTE]
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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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