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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 650184" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>If you take anything away from here at all, it is pleast STOP engaging your daughter in any way. She won't read anything you give her. She will turn it on YOU and say YOU have it...she will have a meltdown of all meltdown. Accept that there is NOTHING you can do and do NOTHING. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is not to speak to her or about her to anybody. In fact it is a survival skill with this type of person. I understand she is your daughter and you love her and your granddaughter, but t here is NOTHING you can do by trying to engage her at all. You won't make it better. You will cause even more drama. She WANTS you to engage her so she can go after you like an enraged tiger. DON'T DO IT! Don't even let anybody else talk to you about her. Get away from it. Emotionally detach. With a person like your daughter, you have no choice. If you don't do it, she will detach on her own just to hurt you. You are good and strong. If she doesn't know that, it is her problem, but you can't make her like you. Please, please learn more before you do a thing!!! Forget the birthday this year. You have the flu, right?</p><p></p><p>You have been warned.</p><p></p><p></p><p>'Billy, your childhood sounds a lot like mine, although my mom was probably borderline and my dad is definitely narcissistic. I was the family scapegoat, which happens when your parents have personality disorders. Are they inherited? The newest research indicates that yes, they are in part therefore no matter how good a mother you were (and I believe that you were a great one) you could not change your daughter's faulty brain wiring and she has no desire to change herself right now. This is really not about you or your parenting at all. You didn't do anything wrong. You are trying to live with a full blown borderline (most likely) and they are all about hit and win and divide and conquer and they change their minds within a minute. It can mimic bipolar, but bipolar does not make somebody vicious. And the mood changes are not usually as quick. Bipolar does not cause abusive behavior although often borderline and bipolar co-exist. There are no medications for borderline.</p><p></p><p>I learned a lot about borderline because, due to some traits, I was convinced I had had it and had just worked very hard to overcome the negative traits I had. I think it could be true. I think I have read every borderline book that is out there. I joined a group. I went for an assessment at a university hospital. I was told "traits" maybe, but that's all. I don't have the full spectrum and have a huge desire not to act on any traits I do have, such as shutting people out or being manipulative. But before it was ruled out, I read, read, read and upped the therapy level to make sure I did not act like a borderline or, if I did happen to make a mistake in how I treated somebody, I humbly apologized and took the blame that was necessary for both of us to feel better. So my life's story took me through lessons about borderline personality disorder. I learned that my mother had traits too and that my sister also does. My mother was vicious. My sister was just whiny, needy, and could never take the blame for anything. Even so, borderline traits are hard to deal with and people who do have them are often easily ticked off and leave you, usually for long periods of time as a punishment. They do not work things out. My mother didn't speak to me for over ten years...twenty, I think, because of a long story (it is on Watercooler somewhere). Basically I would not do some3thing to my children that somebody else wanted me to do. It would have been very hurtful, but she wanted ME to do it although I begged the other person not to do it. It has to do with inheritance and giving money to only one child, my bioloigical child and leaving out my adopted kids. I said if it were put in my hands, I'd split the money. It wasn't even a lot of money. At any rate...yeah.</p><p></p><p>She slapped back at me from the grave too. She disinherited me and told my sibs to leave me out of the obit. I didn't care about her stupid money, except that it meant she didn't care for me at all. Isn't that mean? That's borderline. During the years, I had sent her so many love letters. I even took the blame for whatever she was angry about, although I was not specific because I did not really believe I was wrong. She never gaven AN INCH. She never called me. She did not send my kids birthday cards. They didn't even know her, thank God. She didn't want them to know her. Neither did I!!!! My two siblings never once said, "Mom, you know, Sis is pretty nice. Why are you doing this? It's not right." Now, they didn't have to stick up for me or get involved. However, it bothers me that neither of them said that to her even one time and just let her keep abusing me, like the bullied kid who has a posse of kids standing around watching but refusing to get involved even a little to stop the bullying. I don't talk to Sis or Bro either, but mostly it is because of their wishes and Sissy's abuse. The apple sometimes doesn't fall far from the tree...and the apple can be grandmas or uncles...not just sisters. And it can be ex husbands who contribute 50% DNA.</p><p></p><p>You can't win against a borderline. They will break society's rules to "win." My sister called the cops on me many times simply because when she cut me off and shocked me I'd call back trying to get her to explain why she was doing it. It scared my young children to see the cops come over.</p><p></p><p>You can't beat a borederline. But you can learn how to have a good life and not get involved if you have a loved one who has this personality disorder. Reading the book is a good start. Therapy is good. Look at borderline central on the internet. It is all about how to live with people who have this disorder. Or not to live with them...your choice or THEIR choice. Borderlines are known for the famous "cut-you-off haha!" Borederline Central is very helpful and will teach you a lot and help you decide if your daughter really has it because, of course, we are not professionals here.</p><p></p><p>Let us know how it goes!!!! Be good to yourself today...with people who will respect you and treat you well, even if that means your beloved friends. Often friends are nicer to us than family. Family is simply by random...DNA. Hugs!!!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 650184, member: 1550"] If you take anything away from here at all, it is pleast STOP engaging your daughter in any way. She won't read anything you give her. She will turn it on YOU and say YOU have it...she will have a meltdown of all meltdown. Accept that there is NOTHING you can do and do NOTHING. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is not to speak to her or about her to anybody. In fact it is a survival skill with this type of person. I understand she is your daughter and you love her and your granddaughter, but t here is NOTHING you can do by trying to engage her at all. You won't make it better. You will cause even more drama. She WANTS you to engage her so she can go after you like an enraged tiger. DON'T DO IT! Don't even let anybody else talk to you about her. Get away from it. Emotionally detach. With a person like your daughter, you have no choice. If you don't do it, she will detach on her own just to hurt you. You are good and strong. If she doesn't know that, it is her problem, but you can't make her like you. Please, please learn more before you do a thing!!! Forget the birthday this year. You have the flu, right? You have been warned. 'Billy, your childhood sounds a lot like mine, although my mom was probably borderline and my dad is definitely narcissistic. I was the family scapegoat, which happens when your parents have personality disorders. Are they inherited? The newest research indicates that yes, they are in part therefore no matter how good a mother you were (and I believe that you were a great one) you could not change your daughter's faulty brain wiring and she has no desire to change herself right now. This is really not about you or your parenting at all. You didn't do anything wrong. You are trying to live with a full blown borderline (most likely) and they are all about hit and win and divide and conquer and they change their minds within a minute. It can mimic bipolar, but bipolar does not make somebody vicious. And the mood changes are not usually as quick. Bipolar does not cause abusive behavior although often borderline and bipolar co-exist. There are no medications for borderline. I learned a lot about borderline because, due to some traits, I was convinced I had had it and had just worked very hard to overcome the negative traits I had. I think it could be true. I think I have read every borderline book that is out there. I joined a group. I went for an assessment at a university hospital. I was told "traits" maybe, but that's all. I don't have the full spectrum and have a huge desire not to act on any traits I do have, such as shutting people out or being manipulative. But before it was ruled out, I read, read, read and upped the therapy level to make sure I did not act like a borderline or, if I did happen to make a mistake in how I treated somebody, I humbly apologized and took the blame that was necessary for both of us to feel better. So my life's story took me through lessons about borderline personality disorder. I learned that my mother had traits too and that my sister also does. My mother was vicious. My sister was just whiny, needy, and could never take the blame for anything. Even so, borderline traits are hard to deal with and people who do have them are often easily ticked off and leave you, usually for long periods of time as a punishment. They do not work things out. My mother didn't speak to me for over ten years...twenty, I think, because of a long story (it is on Watercooler somewhere). Basically I would not do some3thing to my children that somebody else wanted me to do. It would have been very hurtful, but she wanted ME to do it although I begged the other person not to do it. It has to do with inheritance and giving money to only one child, my bioloigical child and leaving out my adopted kids. I said if it were put in my hands, I'd split the money. It wasn't even a lot of money. At any rate...yeah. She slapped back at me from the grave too. She disinherited me and told my sibs to leave me out of the obit. I didn't care about her stupid money, except that it meant she didn't care for me at all. Isn't that mean? That's borderline. During the years, I had sent her so many love letters. I even took the blame for whatever she was angry about, although I was not specific because I did not really believe I was wrong. She never gaven AN INCH. She never called me. She did not send my kids birthday cards. They didn't even know her, thank God. She didn't want them to know her. Neither did I!!!! My two siblings never once said, "Mom, you know, Sis is pretty nice. Why are you doing this? It's not right." Now, they didn't have to stick up for me or get involved. However, it bothers me that neither of them said that to her even one time and just let her keep abusing me, like the bullied kid who has a posse of kids standing around watching but refusing to get involved even a little to stop the bullying. I don't talk to Sis or Bro either, but mostly it is because of their wishes and Sissy's abuse. The apple sometimes doesn't fall far from the tree...and the apple can be grandmas or uncles...not just sisters. And it can be ex husbands who contribute 50% DNA. You can't win against a borderline. They will break society's rules to "win." My sister called the cops on me many times simply because when she cut me off and shocked me I'd call back trying to get her to explain why she was doing it. It scared my young children to see the cops come over. You can't beat a borederline. But you can learn how to have a good life and not get involved if you have a loved one who has this personality disorder. Reading the book is a good start. Therapy is good. Look at borderline central on the internet. It is all about how to live with people who have this disorder. Or not to live with them...your choice or THEIR choice. Borderlines are known for the famous "cut-you-off haha!" Borederline Central is very helpful and will teach you a lot and help you decide if your daughter really has it because, of course, we are not professionals here. Let us know how it goes!!!! Be good to yourself today...with people who will respect you and treat you well, even if that means your beloved friends. Often friends are nicer to us than family. Family is simply by random...DNA. Hugs!!!!! [/QUOTE]
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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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