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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 650388" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>The only way you failed her is to breed with somebody with his DNA and to have similar genes in your family too. Most of us do the same.</p><p></p><p>Now it's not that people with borderline can't change. They can. I have traits or did. But I hated them and wanted to change and I went to therapy and studied like an advanced college student and practiced and took everything I heard to heart. The good in me won out and my dysfunctional behavior was something I understood and did change. If you read about borderline in Marsha Linamans, Dialectal Behavioral Therapy you will see that there is finally a way to treat borderline. One can keep his personality, but get rid of the traits that are ruining his life and his relationships with literally everyone. It CAN be treated. However, few borderlines WANT to change. That's the problem. My therpaist and psychiatrist have told me it is extremely rare for a full blown borderline (which I never was) to even acknowledge there is anything wrong with the way they function. They blame everyone else and if you dare to suggest t here may be something wrong with them, well, they have a tantrum and meltdown that would do a two year old credit and you quickly end up on their "naughty" list. A borderline does not just hide his anger. He/she will act on it and go out of his way to hurt you. He will feel fury and want revenge. Often the anger makes no sense at all. At any rate, it is greatly exaggerated. Yes, borderlines have changed. There are books about those who have. I haven't skipped a book. "Get me out of here" is a great book.</p><p></p><p>But that young woman WANTED to change and worked very hard for years to change.</p><p></p><p>Narcicistics and antisocials don't want to change either.</p><p></p><p>Any drug addict who doesn't want to change will not change</p><p></p><p>Nobody will change unless he/she sees the error of his ways or thinking guffaws and wants to change. It does not sound like your daughter thinks there is anything wrong with her. In fact it sounds like she thinks it is ALL you, which is typical with borderline (people are either "all good" or "all bad" to them). They do not live in the gray area where people can have good and bad traits or life can be good and bad at the same time. It is just extremes. Their moods are uncontrollable. They can learn to control both of those thinking errors, but most never want to. I have heard that the DSM will eventually call borderline "Emotional Dysregulation Disorder." It fits better.</p><p></p><p>It does tend to run in families, showing genetic compounds. If anything, because borderlines hate to be abandoned, your husband leaving her probably kicked up her latent Borderline (BPD), not you, but she is choosing to blame you for this abandonment. They are a lot alike. If you have a personality disorder in your family, you usually don't have to look too far to find another one.</p><p></p><p>Guilt is a totally wasted emotion, especially since you probably had very little to do with it. Sounds like she always had it and that husband leaving her lit a fire under her. Your daughter is now over eighteen. If there is anything wrong with her, mentally or physically, it is her responsibility to fix it. You can't. Nobody can. The "why" is soemthing none of us will never know. Sometimes these types of children show up in the nicest families. Nobody knows 100% why, but everything is moving away from things being parental cause and moving onto genetics, at least in the scientific world (read it). Plus, again, if she had a predisposition to be borderline, her father leaving your family was likely the trigger. But she is choosing to blame you because he left as if one can make another do something they do not want to do. Borderline twisted thinking.</p><p></p><p>It would help you a lot if you read up on it. At least you will ease your mind and realize your limitations and even pick up some pointers on how to treat toxic people, no matter who they are. There are better ways to interact with them than how you are trying to do it. Remember, Daughter does not think like you and you need to learn another approach if you want to have a healthy life yourself.</p><p></p><p>If you blame every parent for yelling at her spouse...then you are blaming many parents who have wonderful grown kids. It doesn't make real sense that if you fight or divorce that your kids will be vile. If that were the case 50% of all kids would be vile because half the homes divorce. And many who don't, well, the marriages are far from perfect.</p><p></p><p>For your own sake, it is best to get therapy for yourself and learn how to cope and move on and not accept abuse, no matter who you get it from or why you want to take it (like misguided guilt). They respect us even less if we let them throw us around and abuse us even worse. That isn't good for us and it actually is not good to give them ammo to use their dark side. It is best for all if we learn how to handle the toxic people in our lives. Some of us have to walk away altogether. Some of us can't, and those of us who can't are the ones who need to learn how to do this the most. Your daughter is lacking empathy. You have to learn how to handle short, concise interactions with her without allowing her to destroy your soul. You can learn it. Most of us on this forum are where you are, or were, and many of us oldsters have learned to live happy, productive lives in spite of having at least one child who broke our hearts.</p><p></p><p>Stick around. We are here for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 650388, member: 1550"] The only way you failed her is to breed with somebody with his DNA and to have similar genes in your family too. Most of us do the same. Now it's not that people with borderline can't change. They can. I have traits or did. But I hated them and wanted to change and I went to therapy and studied like an advanced college student and practiced and took everything I heard to heart. The good in me won out and my dysfunctional behavior was something I understood and did change. If you read about borderline in Marsha Linamans, Dialectal Behavioral Therapy you will see that there is finally a way to treat borderline. One can keep his personality, but get rid of the traits that are ruining his life and his relationships with literally everyone. It CAN be treated. However, few borderlines WANT to change. That's the problem. My therpaist and psychiatrist have told me it is extremely rare for a full blown borderline (which I never was) to even acknowledge there is anything wrong with the way they function. They blame everyone else and if you dare to suggest t here may be something wrong with them, well, they have a tantrum and meltdown that would do a two year old credit and you quickly end up on their "naughty" list. A borderline does not just hide his anger. He/she will act on it and go out of his way to hurt you. He will feel fury and want revenge. Often the anger makes no sense at all. At any rate, it is greatly exaggerated. Yes, borderlines have changed. There are books about those who have. I haven't skipped a book. "Get me out of here" is a great book. But that young woman WANTED to change and worked very hard for years to change. Narcicistics and antisocials don't want to change either. Any drug addict who doesn't want to change will not change Nobody will change unless he/she sees the error of his ways or thinking guffaws and wants to change. It does not sound like your daughter thinks there is anything wrong with her. In fact it sounds like she thinks it is ALL you, which is typical with borderline (people are either "all good" or "all bad" to them). They do not live in the gray area where people can have good and bad traits or life can be good and bad at the same time. It is just extremes. Their moods are uncontrollable. They can learn to control both of those thinking errors, but most never want to. I have heard that the DSM will eventually call borderline "Emotional Dysregulation Disorder." It fits better. It does tend to run in families, showing genetic compounds. If anything, because borderlines hate to be abandoned, your husband leaving her probably kicked up her latent Borderline (BPD), not you, but she is choosing to blame you for this abandonment. They are a lot alike. If you have a personality disorder in your family, you usually don't have to look too far to find another one. Guilt is a totally wasted emotion, especially since you probably had very little to do with it. Sounds like she always had it and that husband leaving her lit a fire under her. Your daughter is now over eighteen. If there is anything wrong with her, mentally or physically, it is her responsibility to fix it. You can't. Nobody can. The "why" is soemthing none of us will never know. Sometimes these types of children show up in the nicest families. Nobody knows 100% why, but everything is moving away from things being parental cause and moving onto genetics, at least in the scientific world (read it). Plus, again, if she had a predisposition to be borderline, her father leaving your family was likely the trigger. But she is choosing to blame you because he left as if one can make another do something they do not want to do. Borderline twisted thinking. It would help you a lot if you read up on it. At least you will ease your mind and realize your limitations and even pick up some pointers on how to treat toxic people, no matter who they are. There are better ways to interact with them than how you are trying to do it. Remember, Daughter does not think like you and you need to learn another approach if you want to have a healthy life yourself. If you blame every parent for yelling at her spouse...then you are blaming many parents who have wonderful grown kids. It doesn't make real sense that if you fight or divorce that your kids will be vile. If that were the case 50% of all kids would be vile because half the homes divorce. And many who don't, well, the marriages are far from perfect. For your own sake, it is best to get therapy for yourself and learn how to cope and move on and not accept abuse, no matter who you get it from or why you want to take it (like misguided guilt). They respect us even less if we let them throw us around and abuse us even worse. That isn't good for us and it actually is not good to give them ammo to use their dark side. It is best for all if we learn how to handle the toxic people in our lives. Some of us have to walk away altogether. Some of us can't, and those of us who can't are the ones who need to learn how to do this the most. Your daughter is lacking empathy. You have to learn how to handle short, concise interactions with her without allowing her to destroy your soul. You can learn it. Most of us on this forum are where you are, or were, and many of us oldsters have learned to live happy, productive lives in spite of having at least one child who broke our hearts. Stick around. We are here for you. [/QUOTE]
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What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?
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