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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 578367" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>rmccart I do want to say I admire the way you care for your daughter, the effort you're putting in trying to keep the relationship where it was not that long ago. It shows how much you love her. </p><p></p><p>However you do want to be careful with behavior you allow her to get away with even while attempting to put the relationship back the way it was before. Because what she gets away with now will stay a pattern of behavior and will likely only get worse. So if you allow her to dictate the way you conduct relationships either verbally or by her behavior, she will continue to do so........and in my experience that DOES only get worse. </p><p></p><p>You are an adult entitled to your own life. She is an adult entitled to hers. </p><p></p><p>This is something you <strong>both</strong> have to learn now that she is an adult child. It's a very important life lesson. </p><p></p><p>I realize the focus is on the SO......but I wonder if SO is being used as a scapegoat perhaps? Adult children grow up and leave the nest. Even with children we are extremely close to......those relationships change as our lives take new directions. You may still be fairly close or you may not, depending. Daughter may be ready to move on with her adult life (normal) but not quite yet ready for you to move on with yours......in many young people's eyes it's ok for them to grow and change ect because that is the way it's supposed to be but they have issues when their parents start to do the same thing because they naturally expect the parent to remain the person they have been throughout their childhood. When the parent's life takes a new direction it can cause resentment and even anger. I wonder if this anger is directed at your SO simply because your daughter has convinced herself you would not have changed if it hadn't been for this woman. If that is the case and you give in to her behavior it will happen each and every time you bring someone new into your life. I have an old childhood friend dealing with this right now. Her husband died 10 yrs ago, if she so much as looks at a male her daughter throws a major hissy fit and she's not "allowed" to see her grandchildren for months. This is an immature view of the child's parents. </p><p></p><p>As parents of adult children we learn detachment. I used to think that just applied to difficult children who drove us nuts, but it doesn't. It applies to all grown children on varying levels. </p><p></p><p>My kids had major issues when I went back to college several years ago. You'd have thought I yanked the rug out from under them or something, like they couldn't function without me being available 24/7. I explained to them that they were growing up and I still had a life to live and quite a lot of years to go on living it.....that included school. They adjusted. Now that Fred passed away I have to enter the workforce. Of all my kids to have an issue with it, it's easy child. (go figure lol ) She hasn't really point blank said anything but it really bothers her to where she will almost drive me loony with other suggestions that just will not work. I have to work to support myself. It's a fact of life. She doesn't like it and is being forced to adjust to it. I imagine if by some remote chance I should choose to date someone in the future they will again have to adjust. Such is life. </p><p></p><p>You can force your daughter to be close to you again. Your daughter is behaving immaturely and throwing a type of tantrum. Just like when she was small if you give in, it will continue. You can drop her a lovely card along the lines of "thinking of you.......how about coffee or lunch on such and such a date, just let me know" type thing. You can send holiday cards and write little notes. Shows you still love her, still think about her, and obviously still care. </p><p></p><p>That is sort of what I do with katie. For all her protests that I don't spend every waking moment with her or her kids......if I try too had to spend more time with her she pushes me away. It's nothing more than immaturity, jealousy of her sibs, spoiled brat syndrome (thanks biomom), and mental illness mixed in to keep it interesting. I love her, no doubt about it. I enjoy spending time with her. But I can't force it upon her either, and I've told her that. I've also told her point blank that relationships are two sided and she also has to contribute. I drop cards....or I text a little something quite frequently. I do what I can to invite her to be involved with things she would enjoy. She either accepts or not. If not, then I don't worry about it. </p><p></p><p>Learning to detach can be difficult and it is a process. Learning to accept our roles as parents of adult kids is also a process. Learning to accept and put into place proper boundaries as parents of adult kids is also somewhat difficult but it can and should be done. </p><p></p><p>((hugs))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 578367, member: 84"] rmccart I do want to say I admire the way you care for your daughter, the effort you're putting in trying to keep the relationship where it was not that long ago. It shows how much you love her. However you do want to be careful with behavior you allow her to get away with even while attempting to put the relationship back the way it was before. Because what she gets away with now will stay a pattern of behavior and will likely only get worse. So if you allow her to dictate the way you conduct relationships either verbally or by her behavior, she will continue to do so........and in my experience that DOES only get worse. You are an adult entitled to your own life. She is an adult entitled to hers. This is something you [B]both[/B] have to learn now that she is an adult child. It's a very important life lesson. I realize the focus is on the SO......but I wonder if SO is being used as a scapegoat perhaps? Adult children grow up and leave the nest. Even with children we are extremely close to......those relationships change as our lives take new directions. You may still be fairly close or you may not, depending. Daughter may be ready to move on with her adult life (normal) but not quite yet ready for you to move on with yours......in many young people's eyes it's ok for them to grow and change ect because that is the way it's supposed to be but they have issues when their parents start to do the same thing because they naturally expect the parent to remain the person they have been throughout their childhood. When the parent's life takes a new direction it can cause resentment and even anger. I wonder if this anger is directed at your SO simply because your daughter has convinced herself you would not have changed if it hadn't been for this woman. If that is the case and you give in to her behavior it will happen each and every time you bring someone new into your life. I have an old childhood friend dealing with this right now. Her husband died 10 yrs ago, if she so much as looks at a male her daughter throws a major hissy fit and she's not "allowed" to see her grandchildren for months. This is an immature view of the child's parents. As parents of adult children we learn detachment. I used to think that just applied to difficult children who drove us nuts, but it doesn't. It applies to all grown children on varying levels. My kids had major issues when I went back to college several years ago. You'd have thought I yanked the rug out from under them or something, like they couldn't function without me being available 24/7. I explained to them that they were growing up and I still had a life to live and quite a lot of years to go on living it.....that included school. They adjusted. Now that Fred passed away I have to enter the workforce. Of all my kids to have an issue with it, it's easy child. (go figure lol ) She hasn't really point blank said anything but it really bothers her to where she will almost drive me loony with other suggestions that just will not work. I have to work to support myself. It's a fact of life. She doesn't like it and is being forced to adjust to it. I imagine if by some remote chance I should choose to date someone in the future they will again have to adjust. Such is life. You can force your daughter to be close to you again. Your daughter is behaving immaturely and throwing a type of tantrum. Just like when she was small if you give in, it will continue. You can drop her a lovely card along the lines of "thinking of you.......how about coffee or lunch on such and such a date, just let me know" type thing. You can send holiday cards and write little notes. Shows you still love her, still think about her, and obviously still care. That is sort of what I do with katie. For all her protests that I don't spend every waking moment with her or her kids......if I try too had to spend more time with her she pushes me away. It's nothing more than immaturity, jealousy of her sibs, spoiled brat syndrome (thanks biomom), and mental illness mixed in to keep it interesting. I love her, no doubt about it. I enjoy spending time with her. But I can't force it upon her either, and I've told her that. I've also told her point blank that relationships are two sided and she also has to contribute. I drop cards....or I text a little something quite frequently. I do what I can to invite her to be involved with things she would enjoy. She either accepts or not. If not, then I don't worry about it. Learning to detach can be difficult and it is a process. Learning to accept our roles as parents of adult kids is also a process. Learning to accept and put into place proper boundaries as parents of adult kids is also somewhat difficult but it can and should be done. ((hugs)) [/QUOTE]
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