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What is tough love, detachment, enabling etc?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 623073" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>You know? I believe this to be true. I think that our determined effort and the successful conclusions that followed in other areas of our lives gave us faith that we could do this, too. Failure just meant to research and try a different approach. Failure meant to learn more about the thing, whatever the thing was. I think you are right, Child. We are not people who give up when something goes wrong.</p><p></p><p>I don't see any of us giving up here on the site, either. I see us learning, thinking, deciding, requiring change of ourselves in this newest effort to change destructive patterns evolved during the times we were attacking the problem from other angles.</p><p></p><p>Oh, so many other angles.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Great definition.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. To that, I would add detachment is learning to detach, to step away from, the overwhelming emotional response to a child's cry for help. When servicing the child's addiction or excusing their behavior problems becomes habitual, love turns from something clean and strengthening to some twisted thing, dark and resentful on both sides. We do not get to choose to have it the way we want it. We cannot just wish our children healthy or pretend this isn't happening.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I agree. Our children's illnesses lead us to develop corresponding illnesses of our own. Loving a troubled child long gone into adulthood but stuck in adolescent behaviors and coping styles becomes its own kind of addiction. We begin overstepping boundaries; we come to believe our children are inept. We teach our children they are inept, that they cannot do it without us, that life is something to fear. </p><p></p><p>We begin looking at them differently.</p><p></p><p>There is a kind sickness, a kind of smug superiority in it. Validation maybe, for the why I couldn't fix this when he or she was younger, validation for why this happened, maybe.</p><p></p><p>All of it is sick.</p><p></p><p>For me, the result of detaching, the recognition of enabling and what it meant for my child, has been increasing respect for my child. I am no longer accepting the judgments I make about what she does. I am concentrating on staying upright, myself, and on accepting the lifestyle choices both my children are making <u>without judging them for that</u>. </p><p></p><p>Like COM, I am concentrating my efforts on my own life, my own foolishness and shortcomings. Part of this whole business with saving my kids over and over again changed me into some kind of martyr mother. Lots of pain. No reward. I began to see myself as this long-suffering wise person, always giving advice (along with the money that was all they really wanted), always being the comforting, safe place (along with the being the dispenser of the money, which was all they really wanted.)</p><p></p><p>Very harmful to my children, for me to have done that. Very harmful for me, too. No one is that perfect. I wonder sometimes whether that reward system, that perfected martyr mother role, is what kept me tied into enabling. </p><p></p><p>I wish I had tried detachment sooner, for all our sakes.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 623073, member: 17461"] You know? I believe this to be true. I think that our determined effort and the successful conclusions that followed in other areas of our lives gave us faith that we could do this, too. Failure just meant to research and try a different approach. Failure meant to learn more about the thing, whatever the thing was. I think you are right, Child. We are not people who give up when something goes wrong. I don't see any of us giving up here on the site, either. I see us learning, thinking, deciding, requiring change of ourselves in this newest effort to change destructive patterns evolved during the times we were attacking the problem from other angles. Oh, so many other angles. Great definition. Yes. To that, I would add detachment is learning to detach, to step away from, the overwhelming emotional response to a child's cry for help. When servicing the child's addiction or excusing their behavior problems becomes habitual, love turns from something clean and strengthening to some twisted thing, dark and resentful on both sides. We do not get to choose to have it the way we want it. We cannot just wish our children healthy or pretend this isn't happening. I agree. Our children's illnesses lead us to develop corresponding illnesses of our own. Loving a troubled child long gone into adulthood but stuck in adolescent behaviors and coping styles becomes its own kind of addiction. We begin overstepping boundaries; we come to believe our children are inept. We teach our children they are inept, that they cannot do it without us, that life is something to fear. We begin looking at them differently. There is a kind sickness, a kind of smug superiority in it. Validation maybe, for the why I couldn't fix this when he or she was younger, validation for why this happened, maybe. All of it is sick. For me, the result of detaching, the recognition of enabling and what it meant for my child, has been increasing respect for my child. I am no longer accepting the judgments I make about what she does. I am concentrating on staying upright, myself, and on accepting the lifestyle choices both my children are making [U]without judging them for that[/U]. Like COM, I am concentrating my efforts on my own life, my own foolishness and shortcomings. Part of this whole business with saving my kids over and over again changed me into some kind of martyr mother. Lots of pain. No reward. I began to see myself as this long-suffering wise person, always giving advice (along with the money that was all they really wanted), always being the comforting, safe place (along with the being the dispenser of the money, which was all they really wanted.) Very harmful to my children, for me to have done that. Very harmful for me, too. No one is that perfect. I wonder sometimes whether that reward system, that perfected martyr mother role, is what kept me tied into enabling. I wish I had tried detachment sooner, for all our sakes. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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What is tough love, detachment, enabling etc?
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