Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
What it looks like when we circle the wagons. For Recovering and pasajes4, this time. :O)
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 621349" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I know that feeling Cedar. Disillusionment is pretty grim. I am not sure about the word "cheap" that would seem to define your son and his demented view, not you.</p><p></p><p>One of the most difficult things for me to see is that my daughter is not a very nice person. In fact, she can be cruel and so incredibly entitled without any real ability to consider the feelings of others. Realizing your only child is probably a sociopath is a very hard pill to swallow. So, I hear you.</p><p></p><p>Who he is and how he treats you is all about him. It is not about you. Do not take that on nor take it personally. He is lashing out rather then take the reins of his own life. It really has nothing to do with you. And, of course, even as I say that to you, I know how much it impacts you. It makes me want to smack him upside the head and spit tobacco in the direction of his big (<em>overblown with his own importance),</em> head!</p><p></p><p>I care about you and how you are feeling...........I wish I had the right words to say to you which would make this hurt go away, to make you feel that anger inside and let it out, so that you could better see that compassion for yourself.</p><p></p><p>I too have been a "too nice" person. Our "fixed" identity. Well, that's shattering pretty well isn't it? I am still a nice person, I just dropped the "too" in the nice. And niceness doesn't mean you put up with crap and allow others to harm you with their words or their actions. Your son is a weenie, plain and simple. Think about it, a 38 year old man who has to find allies in his collusion against his own mother and use social media to attack her............ is definitely a weenie. His problem, not yours. </p><p></p><p>Someone once told me that when we are under attack like that to imagine there is a shield around us, perhaps golden or white, some form of protection........and imagine that when arrows fly at us with a harmful intent, that they immediately bounce off of our shield and return to the sender. Put your shield up and then forget about it, allow your imaginary shield to do it's work. I found that imagery to be quite helpful. </p><p></p><p>Our attachments to the outcome are another cause of suffering. I did a similar thing as you, thinking I could somehow manipulate the future with my love or my power, but I couldn't. It is not my future, it is our kids future and only they can figure that out. </p><p></p><p>In our reading of Pema's books, I'm beginning to understand how we humans want pleasure and want to avoid pain and that illusion is a great source of suffering. We can't avoid this pain, we have to allow our kids to take it over because it is their pain.............all we can do is handle the pain in our own hearts that comes from our own powerlessness where our kids are concerned. I think the recognition of that powerlessness is the key that sets us free from this seemingly never ending drama with our kids.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I love that image. It feels so free, wind in our hair, barefoot, holding on to that horse (which incidentally in almost all cultures, horses mean POWER!) riding so fast that we are almost flying................along the ocean, that vastness and openness.........I am going to use that image for this new sense of liberation and openness that I feel..............it's just perfect. </p><p></p><p>So, Cedar, ready to ride?? Let's rock!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 621349, member: 13542"] I know that feeling Cedar. Disillusionment is pretty grim. I am not sure about the word "cheap" that would seem to define your son and his demented view, not you. One of the most difficult things for me to see is that my daughter is not a very nice person. In fact, she can be cruel and so incredibly entitled without any real ability to consider the feelings of others. Realizing your only child is probably a sociopath is a very hard pill to swallow. So, I hear you. Who he is and how he treats you is all about him. It is not about you. Do not take that on nor take it personally. He is lashing out rather then take the reins of his own life. It really has nothing to do with you. And, of course, even as I say that to you, I know how much it impacts you. It makes me want to smack him upside the head and spit tobacco in the direction of his big ([I]overblown with his own importance),[/I] head! I care about you and how you are feeling...........I wish I had the right words to say to you which would make this hurt go away, to make you feel that anger inside and let it out, so that you could better see that compassion for yourself. I too have been a "too nice" person. Our "fixed" identity. Well, that's shattering pretty well isn't it? I am still a nice person, I just dropped the "too" in the nice. And niceness doesn't mean you put up with crap and allow others to harm you with their words or their actions. Your son is a weenie, plain and simple. Think about it, a 38 year old man who has to find allies in his collusion against his own mother and use social media to attack her............ is definitely a weenie. His problem, not yours. Someone once told me that when we are under attack like that to imagine there is a shield around us, perhaps golden or white, some form of protection........and imagine that when arrows fly at us with a harmful intent, that they immediately bounce off of our shield and return to the sender. Put your shield up and then forget about it, allow your imaginary shield to do it's work. I found that imagery to be quite helpful. Our attachments to the outcome are another cause of suffering. I did a similar thing as you, thinking I could somehow manipulate the future with my love or my power, but I couldn't. It is not my future, it is our kids future and only they can figure that out. In our reading of Pema's books, I'm beginning to understand how we humans want pleasure and want to avoid pain and that illusion is a great source of suffering. We can't avoid this pain, we have to allow our kids to take it over because it is their pain.............all we can do is handle the pain in our own hearts that comes from our own powerlessness where our kids are concerned. I think the recognition of that powerlessness is the key that sets us free from this seemingly never ending drama with our kids. I love that image. It feels so free, wind in our hair, barefoot, holding on to that horse (which incidentally in almost all cultures, horses mean POWER!) riding so fast that we are almost flying................along the ocean, that vastness and openness.........I am going to use that image for this new sense of liberation and openness that I feel..............it's just perfect. So, Cedar, ready to ride?? Let's rock! [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
What it looks like when we circle the wagons. For Recovering and pasajes4, this time. :O)
Top