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<blockquote data-quote="gma" data-source="post: 457709" data-attributes="member: 12738"><p>Signorina,</p><p>Thank you for your kind words and I too am sending good thoughts your way. </p><p>It sounds like you have made some really tough decisions and I commend you, it's not easy. </p><p>The last time we went down this road i just didn't think I could go on. I had some good people really push me to take care of myself so I could be strong enough to help her when she was ready. I listened and attended Alanon and found a good therapist which helped me to deal differently; to control what I can, and feel sad or frightened but let go of what I cannot change. It's helped me. When she was ready I was "OK" and there for her.. After a few months on her own having to take full responsibility for her choices, instead of being able to point the finger at all of us, because of rules, relationships, expectations, etc, which "caused her behavior", we explained how much we loved her, but that she couldn't return home when making these choices, we just kept reaching out via messages, text messages, facebook, whatever way we could to let her know how much we loved her and when she was ready we were ready to help her find the right help. It was like we put down one side of the rope and there was no more toggle war. In a couple months she called and asked for help to find a 30 program. </p><p>Right out of recovery she experienced some pretty big personal blows and she ended up relapsing. As hard as she's tried she hasn't been able to get it back, that drive. This isn't any easier the second time around, however I have a few more tools that do help me think through my actions and how I respond. That being said, its never easy and sometimes I do it better than others. An example is last night when I was pacing the floor literally a panicked, raving, maniac, at the thought of what she was doing, where she was, who she was with, was she safe, hurting herself, just all of it - I had to reel myself back in and realize this craze was only hurting me, I wouldn't change what she was doing. It's tough to get yourself there, but for me I am finally aware enough that I can see where my own me bashing, what if, why didn't I, panic attack will not change the outcome and I have to force myself to stop the wind up and think through where I allow myself to go. Now that being said, I'm not always successful, but I try!</p><p>Believe me we've worked the A, B & C, but if she won't agree to any of it, that's where we have the hard decisions. Like her counselor keeps telling me, listen to my gut, if it looks black, its probably black! I want to make it all better for her, but I can't make any human being do anything they don't or won't do for themselves.</p><p>Good luck with your son, take care of yourself so you can be there when the time is right. I think that going back to school may be a good thing. He didn't throw everything to the wind, and maybe when he's there on his own without the moral and financial support of a loving family, he'll get it right. Keep the faith and know that you cannot do anything from 400miles away that you could do if you were right there with him. </p><p>Good luck and lots of thoughts and hugs coming your way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="gma, post: 457709, member: 12738"] Signorina, Thank you for your kind words and I too am sending good thoughts your way. It sounds like you have made some really tough decisions and I commend you, it's not easy. The last time we went down this road i just didn't think I could go on. I had some good people really push me to take care of myself so I could be strong enough to help her when she was ready. I listened and attended Alanon and found a good therapist which helped me to deal differently; to control what I can, and feel sad or frightened but let go of what I cannot change. It's helped me. When she was ready I was "OK" and there for her.. After a few months on her own having to take full responsibility for her choices, instead of being able to point the finger at all of us, because of rules, relationships, expectations, etc, which "caused her behavior", we explained how much we loved her, but that she couldn't return home when making these choices, we just kept reaching out via messages, text messages, facebook, whatever way we could to let her know how much we loved her and when she was ready we were ready to help her find the right help. It was like we put down one side of the rope and there was no more toggle war. In a couple months she called and asked for help to find a 30 program. Right out of recovery she experienced some pretty big personal blows and she ended up relapsing. As hard as she's tried she hasn't been able to get it back, that drive. This isn't any easier the second time around, however I have a few more tools that do help me think through my actions and how I respond. That being said, its never easy and sometimes I do it better than others. An example is last night when I was pacing the floor literally a panicked, raving, maniac, at the thought of what she was doing, where she was, who she was with, was she safe, hurting herself, just all of it - I had to reel myself back in and realize this craze was only hurting me, I wouldn't change what she was doing. It's tough to get yourself there, but for me I am finally aware enough that I can see where my own me bashing, what if, why didn't I, panic attack will not change the outcome and I have to force myself to stop the wind up and think through where I allow myself to go. Now that being said, I'm not always successful, but I try! Believe me we've worked the A, B & C, but if she won't agree to any of it, that's where we have the hard decisions. Like her counselor keeps telling me, listen to my gut, if it looks black, its probably black! I want to make it all better for her, but I can't make any human being do anything they don't or won't do for themselves. Good luck with your son, take care of yourself so you can be there when the time is right. I think that going back to school may be a good thing. He didn't throw everything to the wind, and maybe when he's there on his own without the moral and financial support of a loving family, he'll get it right. Keep the faith and know that you cannot do anything from 400miles away that you could do if you were right there with him. Good luck and lots of thoughts and hugs coming your way. [/QUOTE]
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