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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 756857" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Wise</p><p>Why? I think here you're missing the forest for the trees. Your daughter has been oppositional, undermining, insulting and difficult. Even though we understand why, it's still insufferable. Has she been fair and transparent with you? No. Not that I have seen.</p><p></p><p>I don't see really where you haven't been fair. Rather it's her who has concealed, manipulated, resisted. Where is the responsibility yours, for her behavior and choices? On the other hand, she is an adult and as such merits privacy to a point (as far as it's legal and safe.)</p><p>The issue is NOT the book safe. The issue is that she is trying to grow up. On the one hand she does independent things, like acts self-determining, wanting things her way, her rules. On the other hand she still acts like a teenager. Hiding things from you. Acting rebellious, put upon, the injured party. You have a choice here. To decide to focus on the important stuff, the macro. The big picture. And to compromise, ignore, or set a limit on the micro. The micro is the therapist, the witchcraft, etc. That's what you have doing. You have focused upon the big picture, and tried to minimize the noise. It's worked, to a point, but you've been willing to pay the price, so far.</p><p>What if it was? There has been consistent and ongoing problems. You want your rules. She bucks them and resents them and resents you. This is just one of a series of issues. It's not that important in itself. I don't see you as necessarily having to take a stand about the book safe. Or any other one thing, unless it threatens her safety or the families.</p><p>She is free to leave. She doesn't want to. Or she would. She has the means. I had been out of the house years by the time I was her age.</p><p>I don't see you as accusing her. I see you as asking her to be accountable and transparent. Which she feels to be intrusive and abusive. She is just not capable at this point of acting above board, cooperative, responsible and grateful, with you, in your home. It will come. But it's not happening now.</p><p></p><p>How can you take responsibility for her behavior? You can't. You are not responsible for her attitudes, grievances. Those are a product not of your behaviors and choices and psyche but of hers. You can't be responsible for her. I don't see how you can. Nor do I think she's served by your being a doormat.</p><p></p><p>Personally, I think she deserves to have a private life. I think she deserves to buy safes for whatever purpose she chooses. She is an adult over the age of majority. If she is doing something criminal, which you have never asserted, even that is dealt with by the legal system, not by mothers and fathers.</p><p></p><p>But you have a right to allow her to continue to live in your home.</p><p></p><p>If we don't like how they live, the problem is ours. Because we have not established and enforced boundaries consistent with our needs. But the thing is, I think we don't force the issue, or keep pushing the same rock up the hill, because we want to, on some level. We are focused upon what we think is their welfare, and think we're doing the right thing.</p><p></p><p>I continue to believe that you don't want your daughter to leave. I think you are twisting yourself into a pretzel to try to rationalize her behavior, so that you don't have to take a stand, and do something you don't want to do. You don't want her to leave. You don't want to make her leave.</p><p></p><p>If that is the case, I think the thing to do might be for YOU to back off in the way that you can, and pick your battles.</p><p></p><p>The problem here is I think you think you SHOULD have her leave. I think you have the right to decide that based upon your particular situation and needs. That there are no shoulds.</p><p></p><p>I think given everything going on in the world right now, it might be the time to consider compromise. Your daughter does rein in her behavior somewhat when called upon it. And her consistently better functioning counts for a whole lot.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 756857, member: 18958"] Dear Wise Why? I think here you're missing the forest for the trees. Your daughter has been oppositional, undermining, insulting and difficult. Even though we understand why, it's still insufferable. Has she been fair and transparent with you? No. Not that I have seen. I don't see really where you haven't been fair. Rather it's her who has concealed, manipulated, resisted. Where is the responsibility yours, for her behavior and choices? On the other hand, she is an adult and as such merits privacy to a point (as far as it's legal and safe.) The issue is NOT the book safe. The issue is that she is trying to grow up. On the one hand she does independent things, like acts self-determining, wanting things her way, her rules. On the other hand she still acts like a teenager. Hiding things from you. Acting rebellious, put upon, the injured party. You have a choice here. To decide to focus on the important stuff, the macro. The big picture. And to compromise, ignore, or set a limit on the micro. The micro is the therapist, the witchcraft, etc. That's what you have doing. You have focused upon the big picture, and tried to minimize the noise. It's worked, to a point, but you've been willing to pay the price, so far. What if it was? There has been consistent and ongoing problems. You want your rules. She bucks them and resents them and resents you. This is just one of a series of issues. It's not that important in itself. I don't see you as necessarily having to take a stand about the book safe. Or any other one thing, unless it threatens her safety or the families. She is free to leave. She doesn't want to. Or she would. She has the means. I had been out of the house years by the time I was her age. I don't see you as accusing her. I see you as asking her to be accountable and transparent. Which she feels to be intrusive and abusive. She is just not capable at this point of acting above board, cooperative, responsible and grateful, with you, in your home. It will come. But it's not happening now. How can you take responsibility for her behavior? You can't. You are not responsible for her attitudes, grievances. Those are a product not of your behaviors and choices and psyche but of hers. You can't be responsible for her. I don't see how you can. Nor do I think she's served by your being a doormat. Personally, I think she deserves to have a private life. I think she deserves to buy safes for whatever purpose she chooses. She is an adult over the age of majority. If she is doing something criminal, which you have never asserted, even that is dealt with by the legal system, not by mothers and fathers. But you have a right to allow her to continue to live in your home. If we don't like how they live, the problem is ours. Because we have not established and enforced boundaries consistent with our needs. But the thing is, I think we don't force the issue, or keep pushing the same rock up the hill, because we want to, on some level. We are focused upon what we think is their welfare, and think we're doing the right thing. I continue to believe that you don't want your daughter to leave. I think you are twisting yourself into a pretzel to try to rationalize her behavior, so that you don't have to take a stand, and do something you don't want to do. You don't want her to leave. You don't want to make her leave. If that is the case, I think the thing to do might be for YOU to back off in the way that you can, and pick your battles. The problem here is I think you think you SHOULD have her leave. I think you have the right to decide that based upon your particular situation and needs. That there are no shoulds. I think given everything going on in the world right now, it might be the time to consider compromise. Your daughter does rein in her behavior somewhat when called upon it. And her consistently better functioning counts for a whole lot. [/QUOTE]
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