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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 756871" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>I go to All Anon. You know that. I also have a sponsor. I have learned a lot, including that my daughter was the one who deliberately sabatoged our relationship and that she is not looking to reconcile, except for getting what she wants from me on her terms. And she doesn't live with me, but this is the truth. It was ME who almost kissed her behind to make some sort of relationship between us. I would have done almost anything. But she made not one compromise nor loving gesture. I realize that I can not dance alone nor can I act as if I approve of how she lives. I have other kids and a husband who totally disapproves of her.</p><p></p><p>Now Kay is not your daughter and I am not you. So any advice I gave you would be based on my own experience with my daughter. I was not successful in saving our relationship. Sadly, there is little of that on this forum. My own conclusion about that is that no matter how hard we try, we can't make our grown kids like or respect us. At least I feel your daughter does love you, but from a distance as in "don't you tell me what to do."</p><p></p><p>While that feeling is age appropriate, she is still living with you and I believe you are still paying her bills. But... And here's the catch.....you don't want her to leave. To live with her in peace your only choice is to let her do what she wants...or else no peace. And she likely won't listen to you about pot and paraphernalia anyway. Is it fair? Of course not. Nothing is more accurate than reminding you that life isn't fair.</p><p></p><p>I wish I could tell you what to do and know that it is the right answer. The only person who can make that decision is you. I just pointed out a few things that I hope are your life facts. Here is one last sad fact. There is no way to force our grown kids to want to be close to us. Our parents couldn't force that on us and we can't force it on them. Some of us were close to our mothers and are puzzled when our kids opt out, especially girls. Some of us were not close to our own mothers and want better relationships than we had.</p><p></p><p>It is not our choice. Nor is it our faults if our kids choose distance. It just is. We have no control over anything but ourselves. The environment, the weather, coronavirus, our relationships....we can only control how WE handle things, not outcomes.</p><p></p><p>I feel really badly for you and I felt the pain you feel. We adopted Kay. When I heard it was a girl I danced for joy saying "Oh, a daughter! I'm so excited." I thought we would be BFF. Shopping for clothes, doing hair together, nails, talking, and sharing prom and her wedding.</p><p></p><p>None of that happened for us. It got more distant as she grew older. I can't change it. But I can still be happy.</p><p></p><p>I sure wish you all the luck in the world.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 756871, member: 23706"] I go to All Anon. You know that. I also have a sponsor. I have learned a lot, including that my daughter was the one who deliberately sabatoged our relationship and that she is not looking to reconcile, except for getting what she wants from me on her terms. And she doesn't live with me, but this is the truth. It was ME who almost kissed her behind to make some sort of relationship between us. I would have done almost anything. But she made not one compromise nor loving gesture. I realize that I can not dance alone nor can I act as if I approve of how she lives. I have other kids and a husband who totally disapproves of her. Now Kay is not your daughter and I am not you. So any advice I gave you would be based on my own experience with my daughter. I was not successful in saving our relationship. Sadly, there is little of that on this forum. My own conclusion about that is that no matter how hard we try, we can't make our grown kids like or respect us. At least I feel your daughter does love you, but from a distance as in "don't you tell me what to do." While that feeling is age appropriate, she is still living with you and I believe you are still paying her bills. But... And here's the catch.....you don't want her to leave. To live with her in peace your only choice is to let her do what she wants...or else no peace. And she likely won't listen to you about pot and paraphernalia anyway. Is it fair? Of course not. Nothing is more accurate than reminding you that life isn't fair. I wish I could tell you what to do and know that it is the right answer. The only person who can make that decision is you. I just pointed out a few things that I hope are your life facts. Here is one last sad fact. There is no way to force our grown kids to want to be close to us. Our parents couldn't force that on us and we can't force it on them. Some of us were close to our mothers and are puzzled when our kids opt out, especially girls. Some of us were not close to our own mothers and want better relationships than we had. It is not our choice. Nor is it our faults if our kids choose distance. It just is. We have no control over anything but ourselves. The environment, the weather, coronavirus, our relationships....we can only control how WE handle things, not outcomes. I feel really badly for you and I felt the pain you feel. We adopted Kay. When I heard it was a girl I danced for joy saying "Oh, a daughter! I'm so excited." I thought we would be BFF. Shopping for clothes, doing hair together, nails, talking, and sharing prom and her wedding. None of that happened for us. It got more distant as she grew older. I can't change it. But I can still be happy. I sure wish you all the luck in the world. [/QUOTE]
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