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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 756877" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Let me clarify, please, something I am saying. I think you may want things that are not congruent, that may cancel each other out.</p><p></p><p>It may not be in your control that she stays home, until she wants to leave. Because she's of a divided mind. She wants to stay on her own terms. And she keeps forcing you to make her leave or to accept her rules. She is forcing you to be cowed and muzzled by her. I don't think you as a good mother, can live this way. You know you can't.</p><p></p><p>I believe if you want her to stay, you are the one who has to take responsibility for that. And to alter your expectations of her. Because she has proven to you consistently, she will not alter her behaviors. But the thing is, you have been consistent that you're unwilling to alter your behaviors. What's going to give here? If she won't do it, you will have to. But I am not saying that you should. I'm just saying that something's got to give. Either you give in with your expectations, and change, or change what it is you want. You can't want inconsistent things, without a lot of suffering.</p><p></p><p>And most importantly, you can't stand how miserable she is. You can't stand that she takes her misery out on you. And you can't stand that she suffers either. You can't change her. You can't give her superpowers. The only way that she will change and grow up and find her power, in my view, is the same way that I did.</p><p></p><p>I had to leave. I had to face the world on my own. And I had to separate from my mother.</p><p></p><p>Oh. I have worlds and worlds of regrets. But there is no magic here. Reality cannot be wished away, in my experience.</p><p></p><p>I want to underscore again here, that I do not think your rules are unreasonable. But they may be incompatible with the reality of the situation.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 756877, member: 18958"] Let me clarify, please, something I am saying. I think you may want things that are not congruent, that may cancel each other out. It may not be in your control that she stays home, until she wants to leave. Because she's of a divided mind. She wants to stay on her own terms. And she keeps forcing you to make her leave or to accept her rules. She is forcing you to be cowed and muzzled by her. I don't think you as a good mother, can live this way. You know you can't. I believe if you want her to stay, you are the one who has to take responsibility for that. And to alter your expectations of her. Because she has proven to you consistently, she will not alter her behaviors. But the thing is, you have been consistent that you're unwilling to alter your behaviors. What's going to give here? If she won't do it, you will have to. But I am not saying that you should. I'm just saying that something's got to give. Either you give in with your expectations, and change, or change what it is you want. You can't want inconsistent things, without a lot of suffering. And most importantly, you can't stand how miserable she is. You can't stand that she takes her misery out on you. And you can't stand that she suffers either. You can't change her. You can't give her superpowers. The only way that she will change and grow up and find her power, in my view, is the same way that I did. I had to leave. I had to face the world on my own. And I had to separate from my mother. Oh. I have worlds and worlds of regrets. But there is no magic here. Reality cannot be wished away, in my experience. I want to underscore again here, that I do not think your rules are unreasonable. But they may be incompatible with the reality of the situation. [/QUOTE]
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