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<blockquote data-quote="WiseChoices" data-source="post: 756881" data-attributes="member: 24254"><p>All those last posts resonated very deeply with me. Thank you, Copa, and everyone else who has taken the time to help me. </p><p></p><p>I think my ambivalence about her being on her own stems from her trying to live at school which was a disaster. She was very depressed , non functioning, missing tons of classes because she could not get out of bed. Any suggestion I made (go for a walk etc) she did not want to do. While I was away on vacation, I had to make her get a shower ,get some food, and get tucked back into bed. She has not functioned well when alone. We brought her home many times during the semester for respite at home. It seems she either was depressed in her room or when she had friends she would be out a whole lot. But, at school, she did not have a car or a job, so hopefully things are different now. </p><p></p><p>She says she hates it here but keeps returning. She would like to live out her rebellion right here in the safety of our home,I think, like a teenager, and the problem is that her rebellion does not work for us as parents. The process has already been prolonged due to her mental health issues and it's too much for everyone involved, her and us as well. </p><p></p><p>We want to support, we want to give her the safe place to stay, the home base she clearly wants or she would have saved money and left already, but the rebellion we can't accept for someone her age. We pull the "you are an adult card" and expect her to comply with our rules. As we should. </p><p></p><p>There is a part of me always that wants to trust my children. That wants to go back and say nothing about her getting a safe ,who doesn't look at the company label of the pipe package and looks online to see what they sell. That lets it be, because I know I have good kids. Someone who chalks it up to experimentation unless there is clear evidence of a problem. But I get scared. I have parented with fear, lots and lots of fear. I get so scared when husband shows me she ordered a safe when he brings in the mail. Even he said in the beginning of this to just wait and see. And I infected him with my fear. Forced a solution. I wanted to nip it in the bud. I wanted the fear to go away and made it worse because I still have adrenaline surging through me days later and am not functioning. I am afraid to go into my house out of my bedroom while she is home. I am afraid of her talking to me and afraid of her not talking to me. I cannot stand conflict and want so smoothe this out so badly. But that's the same kind of quick fix as creating a crisis was. </p><p></p><p>When she lied to me a few weeks ago, I wanted her gone. It's my knee jerk response to dealing with problems. It's an empty threat on my part, because I don't really want her out of the house. I want to live in harmony and don't know how because I seem to be the only one trying consistently. I work hard at remaining loving sesp</p><p></p><p>She does not really want to participate in family life or contribute to the household. She wouldn't clean her room at the first of the month when we asked both young adults to do basic chores in their rooms. I had the same battle with my son and we finally, him and I, came to the resolution that I clean his room and do his laundry for pay. He pays me in addition to rent a monthly fee for me to be his housekeeper. We are both ok with this arrangement. It has greatly eliminated any friction between us. I offered the same deal to my daughter and she declined. </p><p></p><p>I am just rambling here trying to figure out where I stand, what I am feeling, and what to do and the answer is probably nothing. Surrendering to my HP , staying in Step 1, letting prayer bring a miracle, a solution when the time is right.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WiseChoices, post: 756881, member: 24254"] All those last posts resonated very deeply with me. Thank you, Copa, and everyone else who has taken the time to help me. I think my ambivalence about her being on her own stems from her trying to live at school which was a disaster. She was very depressed , non functioning, missing tons of classes because she could not get out of bed. Any suggestion I made (go for a walk etc) she did not want to do. While I was away on vacation, I had to make her get a shower ,get some food, and get tucked back into bed. She has not functioned well when alone. We brought her home many times during the semester for respite at home. It seems she either was depressed in her room or when she had friends she would be out a whole lot. But, at school, she did not have a car or a job, so hopefully things are different now. She says she hates it here but keeps returning. She would like to live out her rebellion right here in the safety of our home,I think, like a teenager, and the problem is that her rebellion does not work for us as parents. The process has already been prolonged due to her mental health issues and it's too much for everyone involved, her and us as well. We want to support, we want to give her the safe place to stay, the home base she clearly wants or she would have saved money and left already, but the rebellion we can't accept for someone her age. We pull the "you are an adult card" and expect her to comply with our rules. As we should. There is a part of me always that wants to trust my children. That wants to go back and say nothing about her getting a safe ,who doesn't look at the company label of the pipe package and looks online to see what they sell. That lets it be, because I know I have good kids. Someone who chalks it up to experimentation unless there is clear evidence of a problem. But I get scared. I have parented with fear, lots and lots of fear. I get so scared when husband shows me she ordered a safe when he brings in the mail. Even he said in the beginning of this to just wait and see. And I infected him with my fear. Forced a solution. I wanted to nip it in the bud. I wanted the fear to go away and made it worse because I still have adrenaline surging through me days later and am not functioning. I am afraid to go into my house out of my bedroom while she is home. I am afraid of her talking to me and afraid of her not talking to me. I cannot stand conflict and want so smoothe this out so badly. But that's the same kind of quick fix as creating a crisis was. When she lied to me a few weeks ago, I wanted her gone. It's my knee jerk response to dealing with problems. It's an empty threat on my part, because I don't really want her out of the house. I want to live in harmony and don't know how because I seem to be the only one trying consistently. I work hard at remaining loving sesp She does not really want to participate in family life or contribute to the household. She wouldn't clean her room at the first of the month when we asked both young adults to do basic chores in their rooms. I had the same battle with my son and we finally, him and I, came to the resolution that I clean his room and do his laundry for pay. He pays me in addition to rent a monthly fee for me to be his housekeeper. We are both ok with this arrangement. It has greatly eliminated any friction between us. I offered the same deal to my daughter and she declined. I am just rambling here trying to figure out where I stand, what I am feeling, and what to do and the answer is probably nothing. Surrendering to my HP , staying in Step 1, letting prayer bring a miracle, a solution when the time is right. [/QUOTE]
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