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What to do when my daughter hits me
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<blockquote data-quote="LANELLY7" data-source="post: 517443" data-attributes="member: 14179"><p>Thank you everyone for your thoughts. </p><p></p><p>The main reason I think she hits is because she's realized its the one thing she can do that we can't ignore. Over the years she's always gone for negative attention, but lately she's figuring out that she has to go bigger to get our attention. It seems to be one of those things where she wants to feel in control, because she doesn't feel in control of other things in her life. I think having power and control make her feel good about herself. And now, unfortunatley, it seems to becoming a habit. </p><p></p><p>The type of hitting? Mainly slapping, pushing, poking. </p><p></p><p>Re: the medication, she just started yesterday, so I know that's not the cause.</p><p></p><p>Re: my husband, I know he wants to do something, but he doesn't know what to do. If he comes to help me, she escalates. If he grabs her to remove her (which he often does because we don't have a choice), she fights him so much and I think he's worried that she's going to give someone false information about what happened (she's always yelling that we torture her/hit her, etc.) and we're going to have child services at our door (she's already exaggerated to her therapist). I think my husband is frustrated that I "let" her hit me. The only way I could truly defend myself is to hurt her, which I don't want to do. He thinks I'm physically strong enough to get her to stop easily enough, but she's not so small anymore. I could take her, but I don't want to hurt her. I think a lot of his "don't take it personally" comment is out of frustration for our whole situation - he doesn't like when I'm upset over everything and doesn't understand what it's like to be in my situation (although he does feel bad). He's actually super supportive. Like me, he's just trying to figure this whole thing out. </p><p></p><p>We've been completely trying to change our parenting. We used to be the consistent rule enforcers, but recently realized it just makes things worse when we give her a consequence (if she even honors our consequence). Once she's given a consequence she just says well, I may as well keep misbehaving since I already lost something. For the last few years she probably had something taken away from her almost every day (not that it ever did any good - even not taking her to her favorite activity didn't do the trick). One of the books I read said that if she is constantly in trouble, it creates low self-esteem and no motivation to behave. So, we've tried to do it differently. I guess that's why we've shyed away from punishing her hitting - it will just fire her up more and she won't have any motivation to stop . But, yes, I completely agree, hitting is not OK and we need to find a way to get it under control. My husband and I have to find a happy medium in all this - completely walking on eggshells is not workin - we need to get some of our old selves back...</p><p></p><p>And to those of you who commented that it's OK for me not to feel comfortable cuddling with her - thank you for that. I was feeling guilty about that. </p><p></p><p>We have a meeting with a new therapist this week and I'm going to bring some of this up. Also, I did look into getting therapy for myself, but I have to make another call, and well, just another thing to do. I'll get on it this week.</p><p></p><p>Thank you all!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="LANELLY7, post: 517443, member: 14179"] Thank you everyone for your thoughts. The main reason I think she hits is because she's realized its the one thing she can do that we can't ignore. Over the years she's always gone for negative attention, but lately she's figuring out that she has to go bigger to get our attention. It seems to be one of those things where she wants to feel in control, because she doesn't feel in control of other things in her life. I think having power and control make her feel good about herself. And now, unfortunatley, it seems to becoming a habit. The type of hitting? Mainly slapping, pushing, poking. Re: the medication, she just started yesterday, so I know that's not the cause. Re: my husband, I know he wants to do something, but he doesn't know what to do. If he comes to help me, she escalates. If he grabs her to remove her (which he often does because we don't have a choice), she fights him so much and I think he's worried that she's going to give someone false information about what happened (she's always yelling that we torture her/hit her, etc.) and we're going to have child services at our door (she's already exaggerated to her therapist). I think my husband is frustrated that I "let" her hit me. The only way I could truly defend myself is to hurt her, which I don't want to do. He thinks I'm physically strong enough to get her to stop easily enough, but she's not so small anymore. I could take her, but I don't want to hurt her. I think a lot of his "don't take it personally" comment is out of frustration for our whole situation - he doesn't like when I'm upset over everything and doesn't understand what it's like to be in my situation (although he does feel bad). He's actually super supportive. Like me, he's just trying to figure this whole thing out. We've been completely trying to change our parenting. We used to be the consistent rule enforcers, but recently realized it just makes things worse when we give her a consequence (if she even honors our consequence). Once she's given a consequence she just says well, I may as well keep misbehaving since I already lost something. For the last few years she probably had something taken away from her almost every day (not that it ever did any good - even not taking her to her favorite activity didn't do the trick). One of the books I read said that if she is constantly in trouble, it creates low self-esteem and no motivation to behave. So, we've tried to do it differently. I guess that's why we've shyed away from punishing her hitting - it will just fire her up more and she won't have any motivation to stop . But, yes, I completely agree, hitting is not OK and we need to find a way to get it under control. My husband and I have to find a happy medium in all this - completely walking on eggshells is not workin - we need to get some of our old selves back... And to those of you who commented that it's OK for me not to feel comfortable cuddling with her - thank you for that. I was feeling guilty about that. We have a meeting with a new therapist this week and I'm going to bring some of this up. Also, I did look into getting therapy for myself, but I have to make another call, and well, just another thing to do. I'll get on it this week. Thank you all! [/QUOTE]
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