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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 725802" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Enmeshed mom, there is no right answer to your question about your son....all any of us can do is what we can live with. It's an agonizing journey, I know.</p><p></p><p>My advice to you would be to take the time now to work on yourself. Your son is abiding by your house rules and as you mentioned, it's time "to deal with yourself first." Starting with Al Anon is a wonderful step. Many here have also found solace at Families Anonymous as well as CoDA. </p><p></p><p>You might gain some insight or guidance from the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. </p><p></p><p>Most of us here find that in order for any change to take place, WE have to be the ones who change. We've learned we cannot change another, we can't fix them, control them, nor are we responsible when they go off the rails. Many of us have private therapists since in order to do the changing, we have to go against our natural instincts to protect, nurture, take care of and keep our kids safe.......which are extremely difficult parental tendencies to override. You might consider finding a therapist who is well versed in substance abuse and codependency.</p><p></p><p>I found as I healed myself from my own codependent, over-giving, enabling tendencies, those angers and resentments you spoke of on another thread begin to dissipate. I think when we override our own well being to take care of another, over time we add quite a bit more weight to the anger/resentment pile. Anger can mask a deep sorrow/grief which is more difficult to access.....which is where professional support can help. I found as I healed from my own codependent issues it was easier to effectively handle my daughter's behaviors and choices in healthy ways.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. You're doing a good job in an impossible situation.....continue to post.....get yourself as much support as you can muster.....nourish yourself, cover all the basics, eat well, exercise, sleep 8 hours a night, it's easy to forget how important those simple things are to our health and well being......take time to do fun things you enjoy....take time to separate yourself from your son's choices to remember to find joy for yourself. You're not alone.....we're here for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 725802, member: 13542"] Enmeshed mom, there is no right answer to your question about your son....all any of us can do is what we can live with. It's an agonizing journey, I know. My advice to you would be to take the time now to work on yourself. Your son is abiding by your house rules and as you mentioned, it's time "to deal with yourself first." Starting with Al Anon is a wonderful step. Many here have also found solace at Families Anonymous as well as CoDA. You might gain some insight or guidance from the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. Most of us here find that in order for any change to take place, WE have to be the ones who change. We've learned we cannot change another, we can't fix them, control them, nor are we responsible when they go off the rails. Many of us have private therapists since in order to do the changing, we have to go against our natural instincts to protect, nurture, take care of and keep our kids safe.......which are extremely difficult parental tendencies to override. You might consider finding a therapist who is well versed in substance abuse and codependency. I found as I healed myself from my own codependent, over-giving, enabling tendencies, those angers and resentments you spoke of on another thread begin to dissipate. I think when we override our own well being to take care of another, over time we add quite a bit more weight to the anger/resentment pile. Anger can mask a deep sorrow/grief which is more difficult to access.....which is where professional support can help. I found as I healed from my own codependent issues it was easier to effectively handle my daughter's behaviors and choices in healthy ways. Hang in there. You're doing a good job in an impossible situation.....continue to post.....get yourself as much support as you can muster.....nourish yourself, cover all the basics, eat well, exercise, sleep 8 hours a night, it's easy to forget how important those simple things are to our health and well being......take time to do fun things you enjoy....take time to separate yourself from your son's choices to remember to find joy for yourself. You're not alone.....we're here for you. [/QUOTE]
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