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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 758246" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>First, I am unclear what you seek here. Do you want to know what we think about your sons's behavior and situation? Or do you want to know what to do, and how to do it? Because I am unclear, I will answer based upon what I think in general.</p><p></p><p>Trying. I recognize how worried you are. I recognize how your son tries to get you or his grandparents (and others) to handle his life, the consequences of his actions, and his feelings. I know how this works because I did my own version of this. I also know that there is no way out of this cycle unless we back out of it.</p><p></p><p>From my own experience with my child, and with hundreds and hundreds of other people (it was my work) I have seen that the only thing that works in these situations is for the addict/alcoholic to do their own learning. Their own learning comes from their having to live the consequences of their choices, including the illness that results. The psychic illness as well as physical illness. I have felt this to be intolerable, and I still do. Typing these words is almost unbearable to me, because my son has a chronic illness and requires treatment.</p><p></p><p>While you continue to see your decision-making as about your son and his life, I see it as about you, your psyche, and your life. I have written here before that I believed that you took too active a role in your son's life, and he was too much in your own psyche. He manipulates, he punishes, he terrorizes you. He begs and pleads, and tries to extract every ounce of energy, worry, money, help that he can. He seems to play family members against each other. This is a lifestyle that has worked for him, and he does it well. His aim seems as much as he can to get his suffering into you and his Dad, and secondarily his grandparents. This is what an addict does.</p><p></p><p>It pays off. He has more of his own money for booze and drugs. He abdicates more and more responsibility for himself and his life to others.</p><p></p><p>More and more he can deny the real source of his problems, which is his drug use and drinking, and generally unhealthy lifestyle, emotionally, physically, socially, etc.</p><p></p><p>He lies to you about drinking, money, drugs, treatment to keep his game going. It's a scam. It's a con. He has no intention of quitting ever. All of it is words. This is not to say he won't someday enter into treatment, but it's not his intention now. At least I doubt it is. His intention is to abdicate any responsibility for his life, and to continue drinking without responsibility. It is also about power. He has a great deal of power over you. He likes this.</p><p></p><p>I will say it again. Nothing will change until you decide to change. That would begin, firzt, with boundaries. Not allowing him to dominate your life, your thinking, your emotions. I would strongly recommend online Al Anon meetings.</p><p></p><p>To me the issue that is most important is you. How to change you. How to get off the Merry Go Round that is your relationship with your son. This is your addiction, Trying. You are addicted to his Merry Go Round. Until you begin to face this, you will keep suffering. And the paradoxical thing is that you will be enabling your son's various addictions. It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility, to help yourself and to stop assisting your son, to live so badly.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry this is so painful and difficult for all of us, and each of us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 758246, member: 18958"] First, I am unclear what you seek here. Do you want to know what we think about your sons's behavior and situation? Or do you want to know what to do, and how to do it? Because I am unclear, I will answer based upon what I think in general. Trying. I recognize how worried you are. I recognize how your son tries to get you or his grandparents (and others) to handle his life, the consequences of his actions, and his feelings. I know how this works because I did my own version of this. I also know that there is no way out of this cycle unless we back out of it. From my own experience with my child, and with hundreds and hundreds of other people (it was my work) I have seen that the only thing that works in these situations is for the addict/alcoholic to do their own learning. Their own learning comes from their having to live the consequences of their choices, including the illness that results. The psychic illness as well as physical illness. I have felt this to be intolerable, and I still do. Typing these words is almost unbearable to me, because my son has a chronic illness and requires treatment. While you continue to see your decision-making as about your son and his life, I see it as about you, your psyche, and your life. I have written here before that I believed that you took too active a role in your son's life, and he was too much in your own psyche. He manipulates, he punishes, he terrorizes you. He begs and pleads, and tries to extract every ounce of energy, worry, money, help that he can. He seems to play family members against each other. This is a lifestyle that has worked for him, and he does it well. His aim seems as much as he can to get his suffering into you and his Dad, and secondarily his grandparents. This is what an addict does. It pays off. He has more of his own money for booze and drugs. He abdicates more and more responsibility for himself and his life to others. More and more he can deny the real source of his problems, which is his drug use and drinking, and generally unhealthy lifestyle, emotionally, physically, socially, etc. He lies to you about drinking, money, drugs, treatment to keep his game going. It's a scam. It's a con. He has no intention of quitting ever. All of it is words. This is not to say he won't someday enter into treatment, but it's not his intention now. At least I doubt it is. His intention is to abdicate any responsibility for his life, and to continue drinking without responsibility. It is also about power. He has a great deal of power over you. He likes this. I will say it again. Nothing will change until you decide to change. That would begin, firzt, with boundaries. Not allowing him to dominate your life, your thinking, your emotions. I would strongly recommend online Al Anon meetings. To me the issue that is most important is you. How to change you. How to get off the Merry Go Round that is your relationship with your son. This is your addiction, Trying. You are addicted to his Merry Go Round. Until you begin to face this, you will keep suffering. And the paradoxical thing is that you will be enabling your son's various addictions. It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility, to help yourself and to stop assisting your son, to live so badly. I am sorry this is so painful and difficult for all of us, and each of us. [/QUOTE]
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