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<blockquote data-quote="BackintheSaddle" data-source="post: 622313" data-attributes="member: 17503"><p>thanks so much for replying...some of my favorites folks replied already!...;-)...I couldn't sleep and got tired of laying in the bed and was hoping there were some replies to read and think about...thanks SO much for the confirmation that he sounds like a brat!! Sometimes I really doubt myself in terms of 'do I need to apologize'? 'am I reading this wrong'?, surely MY son couldn't be so freaking mean to me?!?!?!....but he is...his apologies have been twice (he's always been good at math- not sure where he got 'a million and a half'!)...;-)....and both times they were 'I'm sorry but you provoked me' (I asked him to come outside and help us with chores-- he was playing video games!)...and the hard truth, that comes out to me in his message is I am just a bank account to him...I'm still paying for his dental and health insurance and his phone so I can get up with him so I haven't 'cut him off' but I know he doesn't realize how much that insurance costs or what it provides him (I got a bill from his doctor yesterday so I know he's been using it!-- do you guys pay for doctor visits? I think I'm going to call the doctor and tell them to send the bill to him, right?)-- he's always had it so he has no clue what a luxury it is...but I've also said I'd be willing to pay for his college tuition IF we have a relationship that he's working on with me but he apparently can't spare the time to see me unless I pay for something now (and Cedar, you're right, he's trying to make me feel guilty that he has to work so much-- but actually, all I stopped paying for is his truck insurance and gas money--- and I supplied for all his needs so maybe my parents are charging rent?-- can't imagine that's the case?)!...it's hard not to respond to that shitty email but my gut tells me not even to reply AT ALL...what am I apologizing for? being a good mother? and then FINALLY stopping the abuse-- it took me a long time of putting up with it, giving him more chances-- we have over a dozen contracts from over the years that we've had with him (I've reread them during my darkest hours to remind me of what we've been through with him and how much we've tried) that include just talking to me nicely, in a pleasant tone and in exchange he'll get an allowance! what kind of kid has to have that kind of encouragement!...I've been a good mother to him, and really stuck it out to make sure he got through high school but once that happened, we really started laying down the rules and I FINALLY started keeping the boundaries we'd set-- and the one that was always there was 'if you touch me-- in one of your attacks on me-- I WILL CALL 911!'....and I did...I'm so proud of myself on one hand for having the strength to do that but I wish I'd never asked him to help that day too...maybe it'd be different now and he wouldn't be acting like the clone of my difficult child father!...but I know that's not true...it was bound to happen at some point (the timing was awful-- 12/21!)...it was a matter of whether I'd stand up to him or not and that's what he's most upset with me about...I'm no longer his walking bank account...</p><p> </p><p>husband wants to turn his phone off at this point-- if he's not going to communicate with me or even respond to texts to say SOMETHING nice, why are we paying for that phone?...I have a hard time letting that go though because I know it means I will only have contact with him if I go find him at work and I haven't done that yet, don't want to get that desperate...;-(...but starting to realize that maybe that's ok-- he knows where to find me if he wants to</p><p> </p><p>thanks again...love hearing any insights and I do read and think things thru MWM-- I posted that about 'when do we assume too much' because I wonder if everyone who first starts reading this site realizes that or if they're so vulnerable, they take whatever 'we' tell them and run with it...that's all I was trying to say-- people in desperate situations will sometimes grab anything to stop sinking...;-)...most of us have been around the block or two with all this anguish so we are more familiar with the process and pain....;-(</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BackintheSaddle, post: 622313, member: 17503"] thanks so much for replying...some of my favorites folks replied already!...;-)...I couldn't sleep and got tired of laying in the bed and was hoping there were some replies to read and think about...thanks SO much for the confirmation that he sounds like a brat!! Sometimes I really doubt myself in terms of 'do I need to apologize'? 'am I reading this wrong'?, surely MY son couldn't be so freaking mean to me?!?!?!....but he is...his apologies have been twice (he's always been good at math- not sure where he got 'a million and a half'!)...;-)....and both times they were 'I'm sorry but you provoked me' (I asked him to come outside and help us with chores-- he was playing video games!)...and the hard truth, that comes out to me in his message is I am just a bank account to him...I'm still paying for his dental and health insurance and his phone so I can get up with him so I haven't 'cut him off' but I know he doesn't realize how much that insurance costs or what it provides him (I got a bill from his doctor yesterday so I know he's been using it!-- do you guys pay for doctor visits? I think I'm going to call the doctor and tell them to send the bill to him, right?)-- he's always had it so he has no clue what a luxury it is...but I've also said I'd be willing to pay for his college tuition IF we have a relationship that he's working on with me but he apparently can't spare the time to see me unless I pay for something now (and Cedar, you're right, he's trying to make me feel guilty that he has to work so much-- but actually, all I stopped paying for is his truck insurance and gas money--- and I supplied for all his needs so maybe my parents are charging rent?-- can't imagine that's the case?)!...it's hard not to respond to that shitty email but my gut tells me not even to reply AT ALL...what am I apologizing for? being a good mother? and then FINALLY stopping the abuse-- it took me a long time of putting up with it, giving him more chances-- we have over a dozen contracts from over the years that we've had with him (I've reread them during my darkest hours to remind me of what we've been through with him and how much we've tried) that include just talking to me nicely, in a pleasant tone and in exchange he'll get an allowance! what kind of kid has to have that kind of encouragement!...I've been a good mother to him, and really stuck it out to make sure he got through high school but once that happened, we really started laying down the rules and I FINALLY started keeping the boundaries we'd set-- and the one that was always there was 'if you touch me-- in one of your attacks on me-- I WILL CALL 911!'....and I did...I'm so proud of myself on one hand for having the strength to do that but I wish I'd never asked him to help that day too...maybe it'd be different now and he wouldn't be acting like the clone of my difficult child father!...but I know that's not true...it was bound to happen at some point (the timing was awful-- 12/21!)...it was a matter of whether I'd stand up to him or not and that's what he's most upset with me about...I'm no longer his walking bank account... husband wants to turn his phone off at this point-- if he's not going to communicate with me or even respond to texts to say SOMETHING nice, why are we paying for that phone?...I have a hard time letting that go though because I know it means I will only have contact with him if I go find him at work and I haven't done that yet, don't want to get that desperate...;-(...but starting to realize that maybe that's ok-- he knows where to find me if he wants to thanks again...love hearing any insights and I do read and think things thru MWM-- I posted that about 'when do we assume too much' because I wonder if everyone who first starts reading this site realizes that or if they're so vulnerable, they take whatever 'we' tell them and run with it...that's all I was trying to say-- people in desperate situations will sometimes grab anything to stop sinking...;-)...most of us have been around the block or two with all this anguish so we are more familiar with the process and pain....;-( [/QUOTE]
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