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What's happening to me in detachment...
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 622440" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Child,</p><p></p><p>I felt my chest tighten as I read your last two paragraphs...so similar to my relationship with my son, now. I live in the house he grew up in, intended for 7 people, now down to two. Lots of empty beds every night. difficult child sleeps under the bridge.</p><p></p><p>I too am trying not to make demands or tell him what to do, and to find out what is left in our relationship if I don't try to fix, criticize, or push.</p><p></p><p>Like your difficult child, he doesn't ask for much, and like your difficult child when I say no he doesn't argue. LIke your difficult child he sleeps outdoors, and sometimes with "other people" if it is too cold or wet.</p><p></p><p>Like you, I don't really know where to be, but where I am is better than where I have been.</p><p></p><p>As you know, I took difficult child to lunch two weeks ago, first visit in 3 months, since before he got out of jail. Then he came and visited me while I was having a 3 day meeting at a hotel here in town. My company always gets me a room...every night I went home anyway. Seemed very strange to be leaving a clean empty bed and shower in a hotel while difficult child slept on the street...but....I couldn't let him have the room. I did let him shower there when he came to visit. It was quite awkward having him meet with some of my associates...his clothes smell, and he is disheveled. </p><p></p><p>He keeps telling me (without prompting) that he is going to restart medications, re-engage with caseworkers, get on a housing list. And he keeps telling me that he slept through the appointment, the line was too long, he didn't want to be late to work....</p><p></p><p>I was going to meet him for coffee Satruday, and I could feel my discomfort and resentment building...I didn't want to take the time. I was annoyed to realize we are in the same place we've been for two years...he lives on the street, makes fantasy plans about bettering his situation, takes short term under the table jobs...and just hangs out. And it annoys me, or even angers me.</p><p></p><p>So when he called to confirm I told him that I had changed his mind. That I had realized that he kept telling me the same things but not doing them, the same conversation we've been having for two years. I said I didn't feel it was my place to tell him what to do, but that his choices frustrated me and I didn't feel like having coffee, that I had to figure things out. He said "OK Mom" and we both said I love you.</p><p></p><p>The next day he called to tell me my favorite singer (from Africa) will be in town in two weeks, and wanted to know if I wanted to go with him (I'll be out of town).</p><p></p><p>Its weird but it is what it is.</p><p></p><p>My SO pointed out that if my son were living this life with a backpack in Europe, or South America, or Asia...sleeping where he could, working odd jobs to fund the next few days, living out of a backpack, I would be thrilled. It was a funny point to make...something to turn over in my mind.</p><p></p><p>I love to read your updates, Child, I like to know where you are with difficult child, and where your head is. Sometimes it helps me focus on things I hadn't seen. Sometimes it just helps to have some one else asking the same questions.</p><p></p><p>Hugs to you today.</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 622440, member: 17269"] Child, I felt my chest tighten as I read your last two paragraphs...so similar to my relationship with my son, now. I live in the house he grew up in, intended for 7 people, now down to two. Lots of empty beds every night. difficult child sleeps under the bridge. I too am trying not to make demands or tell him what to do, and to find out what is left in our relationship if I don't try to fix, criticize, or push. Like your difficult child, he doesn't ask for much, and like your difficult child when I say no he doesn't argue. LIke your difficult child he sleeps outdoors, and sometimes with "other people" if it is too cold or wet. Like you, I don't really know where to be, but where I am is better than where I have been. As you know, I took difficult child to lunch two weeks ago, first visit in 3 months, since before he got out of jail. Then he came and visited me while I was having a 3 day meeting at a hotel here in town. My company always gets me a room...every night I went home anyway. Seemed very strange to be leaving a clean empty bed and shower in a hotel while difficult child slept on the street...but....I couldn't let him have the room. I did let him shower there when he came to visit. It was quite awkward having him meet with some of my associates...his clothes smell, and he is disheveled. He keeps telling me (without prompting) that he is going to restart medications, re-engage with caseworkers, get on a housing list. And he keeps telling me that he slept through the appointment, the line was too long, he didn't want to be late to work.... I was going to meet him for coffee Satruday, and I could feel my discomfort and resentment building...I didn't want to take the time. I was annoyed to realize we are in the same place we've been for two years...he lives on the street, makes fantasy plans about bettering his situation, takes short term under the table jobs...and just hangs out. And it annoys me, or even angers me. So when he called to confirm I told him that I had changed his mind. That I had realized that he kept telling me the same things but not doing them, the same conversation we've been having for two years. I said I didn't feel it was my place to tell him what to do, but that his choices frustrated me and I didn't feel like having coffee, that I had to figure things out. He said "OK Mom" and we both said I love you. The next day he called to tell me my favorite singer (from Africa) will be in town in two weeks, and wanted to know if I wanted to go with him (I'll be out of town). Its weird but it is what it is. My SO pointed out that if my son were living this life with a backpack in Europe, or South America, or Asia...sleeping where he could, working odd jobs to fund the next few days, living out of a backpack, I would be thrilled. It was a funny point to make...something to turn over in my mind. I love to read your updates, Child, I like to know where you are with difficult child, and where your head is. Sometimes it helps me focus on things I hadn't seen. Sometimes it just helps to have some one else asking the same questions. Hugs to you today. Echo [/QUOTE]
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