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What's happening to me in detachment...
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 622566" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Cedar, I didn't feel gentle and honest when I was saying those things. I felt honest and a little mean. But I have not gone over and over it, wishing I said something different, etc. I feel okay about what I said. I was direct, that is for sure. Maybe it teetered into mean...I don't know. I hope not. </p><p></p><p>I am not used to truth-telling with him because I have held back for so so long. I have been afraid that if I started I wouldn't ever stop and I would end up saying very hurtful things to him that I don't want to say. </p><p></p><p>On the one hand I do want to say them because all of this is so freakin' ridiculous and horrible, and on the other he has a terrible disease and he has done a lot of things within that disease. Maybe....just maybe... he is starting to regret or question or feel bad about now (or not, but I do sense a different presence about him). I think he is a perfectionist and is really hard on himself on one level and very arrogant and grandiose on another level. Like the arrogance is a mask for the deep lack of confidence and value, but I don't know if that is right or not. SO says maybe not so maybe I can't or don't see him as he is. It is so hard to know. </p><p></p><p>But........keeping all of my thoughts and feelings inside has not been good for me. And I am taking a page from your book about setting my aspirations for him out there without those aspirations becoming expectations. </p><p></p><p>I have always said I love you and I know you have everything you need as a person to create a great life for yourself, and then I have named his attributes as I see them: persistence, intelligence (common sense and intellectual smarts), great work ethic (when he wants to), great sense of humor, beautiful smile (he does but not sure he really likes hearing that. When he smiles his whole face lights up), kindness. </p><p></p><p>But I have not said, you were raised better than this and you can be better than this. I have not said, it's time for you to become a man. It's time for you to take care of yourself. </p><p></p><p>Last night, SO (who is out of town on business) asked me if I have heard from him since Friday and I said no. He said well that is good. He is not bugging you all the time for stuff. I said, do you really think that is good? I meant: good for him. I know it's good for me. </p><p></p><p>For the first time in years, really, he is not "somewhere" and I can be okay with it---he is out there in the world without guardrails around him and I am detached from that for the most part. </p><p></p><p>Like Echo said a while back, I am getting better and better at letting go of not knowing who, what, when, where and how about him. No news is good news...pretty much.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 622566, member: 17542"] Cedar, I didn't feel gentle and honest when I was saying those things. I felt honest and a little mean. But I have not gone over and over it, wishing I said something different, etc. I feel okay about what I said. I was direct, that is for sure. Maybe it teetered into mean...I don't know. I hope not. I am not used to truth-telling with him because I have held back for so so long. I have been afraid that if I started I wouldn't ever stop and I would end up saying very hurtful things to him that I don't want to say. On the one hand I do want to say them because all of this is so freakin' ridiculous and horrible, and on the other he has a terrible disease and he has done a lot of things within that disease. Maybe....just maybe... he is starting to regret or question or feel bad about now (or not, but I do sense a different presence about him). I think he is a perfectionist and is really hard on himself on one level and very arrogant and grandiose on another level. Like the arrogance is a mask for the deep lack of confidence and value, but I don't know if that is right or not. SO says maybe not so maybe I can't or don't see him as he is. It is so hard to know. But........keeping all of my thoughts and feelings inside has not been good for me. And I am taking a page from your book about setting my aspirations for him out there without those aspirations becoming expectations. I have always said I love you and I know you have everything you need as a person to create a great life for yourself, and then I have named his attributes as I see them: persistence, intelligence (common sense and intellectual smarts), great work ethic (when he wants to), great sense of humor, beautiful smile (he does but not sure he really likes hearing that. When he smiles his whole face lights up), kindness. But I have not said, you were raised better than this and you can be better than this. I have not said, it's time for you to become a man. It's time for you to take care of yourself. Last night, SO (who is out of town on business) asked me if I have heard from him since Friday and I said no. He said well that is good. He is not bugging you all the time for stuff. I said, do you really think that is good? I meant: good for him. I know it's good for me. For the first time in years, really, he is not "somewhere" and I can be okay with it---he is out there in the world without guardrails around him and I am detached from that for the most part. Like Echo said a while back, I am getting better and better at letting go of not knowing who, what, when, where and how about him. No news is good news...pretty much. [/QUOTE]
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