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What's happening to me in detachment...
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 625073" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>And in that, if you choose to see it, Child, is the truth about who your son wants to be at this point in his life. That could change tomorrow, or never. You posted further on that his journey was his own. I am sure his journey takes courage...but I wonder whether the journey he has set you on takes more courage, more honesty, more determination than anything your son will ever face.</p><p></p><p>You are the mother.</p><p></p><p>The things we have to face here before we can learn are so destructive to everything we learned about ourselves through loving our babies, through being pregnant, through freely giving everything we were over to the process of becoming a mother. Not a thoughtless mother who saw her child through some foggy notion that they would be alright. I think we were mothers determined to mother with integrity, with energy, with a fiery kind of love that would set these children on their paths so healthy, so well loved that nothing could hurt or stop them.</p><p></p><p>But that isn't what happened.</p><p></p><p>We are suffering at a depth our children know nothing about.</p><p></p><p>I think there is honor in honestly facing the pain; honor in seeing the true nature of the choices our children are making.</p><p></p><p>For me, the emotion I was hiding from turned out to be rage.</p><p></p><p>Not very pretty.</p><p></p><p>Ultimately, it would turn out to be about forgiving myself.</p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>Because it is a mother's job/value/task to believe in and for her child. Your child took that gift from you wholeheartedly. In your honesty, you demanded time. You demanded the same brutal honesty from him that you expect in yourself. You believed you and your son were forging something real, some strengthening something that would turn all this around.</p><p></p><p>And you were.</p><p></p><p>And then, he betrayed you.</p><p></p><p>For me, that is what the X Box represents.</p><p></p><p>For me, the myriad betrayals between my children and myself boiled down to something that feels like guilt. That feeling is what I was running away from when I chose enabling. (I had to look at what there was in it for me, in the enabling I did. Not very pretty.) I had never (and still have not) forgiven myself for what happened to the children for whom I was responsible.</p><p></p><p>There is much guilt here.</p><p></p><p>It is a very hard thing.</p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>That doesn't mean inflexibility in any sense, COM. You were working through every feeling honestly to reach a place of honor with your child. If this situation were different, you would be responding differently.</p><p></p><p>He took the X Box.</p><p></p><p>That is what you see. That is how you know. </p><p></p><p>I don't want to see those things, either.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>There is such power though, in knowing where we are ~ in knowing how to work with our own overwhelming emotional responses. In the thick of it, when I fall so far into the FOG, just knowing that I know what this is helps me stay centered. Other than that, there is the pain.</p><p></p><p>Only that.</p><p></p><p>I am helpless where that is concerned. But I know now how to stay there, how to hold the imagery of both the cloud and the unseen silver lining. (Yep. That's your imagery.)</p><p></p><p>I am learning to see the nature of the relationship we set up with our children when we enable. It is horrifying, who that makes them, who that makes us, how it all destroys any hope of honor or respect or trust.</p><p></p><p>To be the enabler, the savior...costs our children the right and the potential to save themselves. That is alot of glory, for a parent. And I fell into it.</p><p></p><p>Deep, deep into it.</p><p></p><p>Once I saw the part I played, the what I got for what I gave of it...I was ashamed. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Excellent imagery. I love this.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And you detach from the outcome.... That is the tricky part. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>To this, I would add that, for me at least, it has been a very long time since I have told my children the unvarnished truth in my heart. I tell them a better truth, a smoothed out and dressed up truth.</p><p></p><p>But a lie is still a lie.</p><p></p><p>At bottom, what I am choosing to learn is how not to be a liar to my own children. A liar who lies so no one will have to see what IS. I need to have more courage than this. As a mother, I need more courage than to lie or to give in to stupid feelings of ragefulness, of having been wronged.</p><p></p><p>That is the balance we need to find, I think.</p><p></p><p>How to see what is really there.</p><p></p><p>He took more than food, COM.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Me, too. I acknowledge your pain. I tell you it will be worth it. It is a battle, COM. There is a boundary, an outer edge to it. The least helpful thing I knew, when I was where you are now, was hopelessness, was that feeling that I was lost in something endless.</p><p></p><p>That was not true.</p><p> </p><p>It does have an end. These feelings do have a purpose; every smallest one of them teaches us something we need to know. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry this is happening to your son. But you were correct in posting that his journey is his own. As painful as his journey will be for him, COM...this is the story of your journey, too.</p><p></p><p>You posted Richard Rohr's interpretation of the suffering of the Mary, and of the Christ.</p><p></p><p>I found that so helpful.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 625073, member: 17461"] And in that, if you choose to see it, Child, is the truth about who your son wants to be at this point in his life. That could change tomorrow, or never. You posted further on that his journey was his own. I am sure his journey takes courage...but I wonder whether the journey he has set you on takes more courage, more honesty, more determination than anything your son will ever face. You are the mother. The things we have to face here before we can learn are so destructive to everything we learned about ourselves through loving our babies, through being pregnant, through freely giving everything we were over to the process of becoming a mother. Not a thoughtless mother who saw her child through some foggy notion that they would be alright. I think we were mothers determined to mother with integrity, with energy, with a fiery kind of love that would set these children on their paths so healthy, so well loved that nothing could hurt or stop them. But that isn't what happened. We are suffering at a depth our children know nothing about. I think there is honor in honestly facing the pain; honor in seeing the true nature of the choices our children are making. For me, the emotion I was hiding from turned out to be rage. Not very pretty. Ultimately, it would turn out to be about forgiving myself. Because it is a mother's job/value/task to believe in and for her child. Your child took that gift from you wholeheartedly. In your honesty, you demanded time. You demanded the same brutal honesty from him that you expect in yourself. You believed you and your son were forging something real, some strengthening something that would turn all this around. And you were. And then, he betrayed you. For me, that is what the X Box represents. For me, the myriad betrayals between my children and myself boiled down to something that feels like guilt. That feeling is what I was running away from when I chose enabling. (I had to look at what there was in it for me, in the enabling I did. Not very pretty.) I had never (and still have not) forgiven myself for what happened to the children for whom I was responsible. There is much guilt here. It is a very hard thing. That doesn't mean inflexibility in any sense, COM. You were working through every feeling honestly to reach a place of honor with your child. If this situation were different, you would be responding differently. He took the X Box. That is what you see. That is how you know. I don't want to see those things, either. There is such power though, in knowing where we are ~ in knowing how to work with our own overwhelming emotional responses. In the thick of it, when I fall so far into the FOG, just knowing that I know what this is helps me stay centered. Other than that, there is the pain. Only that. I am helpless where that is concerned. But I know now how to stay there, how to hold the imagery of both the cloud and the unseen silver lining. (Yep. That's your imagery.) I am learning to see the nature of the relationship we set up with our children when we enable. It is horrifying, who that makes them, who that makes us, how it all destroys any hope of honor or respect or trust. To be the enabler, the savior...costs our children the right and the potential to save themselves. That is alot of glory, for a parent. And I fell into it. Deep, deep into it. Once I saw the part I played, the what I got for what I gave of it...I was ashamed. Yes. Excellent imagery. I love this. And you detach from the outcome.... That is the tricky part. To this, I would add that, for me at least, it has been a very long time since I have told my children the unvarnished truth in my heart. I tell them a better truth, a smoothed out and dressed up truth. But a lie is still a lie. At bottom, what I am choosing to learn is how not to be a liar to my own children. A liar who lies so no one will have to see what IS. I need to have more courage than this. As a mother, I need more courage than to lie or to give in to stupid feelings of ragefulness, of having been wronged. That is the balance we need to find, I think. How to see what is really there. He took more than food, COM. Me, too. I acknowledge your pain. I tell you it will be worth it. It is a battle, COM. There is a boundary, an outer edge to it. The least helpful thing I knew, when I was where you are now, was hopelessness, was that feeling that I was lost in something endless. That was not true. It does have an end. These feelings do have a purpose; every smallest one of them teaches us something we need to know. I am sorry this is happening to your son. But you were correct in posting that his journey is his own. As painful as his journey will be for him, COM...this is the story of your journey, too. You posted Richard Rohr's interpretation of the suffering of the Mary, and of the Christ. I found that so helpful. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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