Sharon, thank you for a beautiful post.
I didn't grow up feeling or knowing I had unconditional love. I know now that my mother's love for me was and is unconditional, but I didn't know that as a child. I guess she just wasn't very good at showing it. It's very important for children to know that. She thought she did show it. But, I was a kid that needed more reassurance anyway (I was a bit of a difficult child myself) and choices my mother made completely contradicted that. We are very, very different, my mother and I, and we are much alike as well. From that aspect, I totally understand and appreciate what Alan is saying. But you just can't take one parenting technique and assume it's going to be effective for all. Some of the diagnosis's these kids have completely negate the ability of having any real empathy, for example.
Sharon, you stated that you think in a child's mind, a hug from the parent makes them alright. And I totally agree. I see that with my difficult child a lot. I also think they have a lot of genuine remorse and they want a hug, or offer a hug, as a way to say, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." difficult child tells me she hates me quite often. After she's calmed down, she wants to hug me, proving she doesn't hate me. Afterall, would you hug someone you really, truly hated?
I also think it's very important to recognize that we all have our limits which vary person to person and day by day as well. I feel that instead of bringing these discussions (that seem to create conflict and that seem to point fingers) to the threads started by one who is posting for help/advice/support, it would be much more appropriate to start a new thread and let the discussion take it's own life. While I'm sure that no finger pointing is actually going on, when one is feeling vulnerable it can be easy to perceive it in that manner.
