Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
When to step in - when to stay out ....
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 363094" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Dash - </p><p> </p><p>I hope the tears you shed were good ones that can help, not hurt. It has never been my intention to hurt anyone on this board ever. I joke, I kid and sometimes I'm sarcastic - but to outright hurt someone? Nope. </p><p> </p><p>The things that you've shared with me that your daughter has shared with you? Fairly common as far as I'm concerned. She said it to you in huge red letters on the wall, and there is your beginning for her self-destruction. she said "I'm a MISTAKE." I'm not sure anyone could ever imagine how that feels personally - but it's like being picked last for the team every time, or being picked last while everyone groans "oh not her." Year after year x 199. It that funky mapping that makes us think things like that and at the time she was creating this idea or thought in her head - how could you have known? You just kept telling her "We love you." and moving forward fighting battles together. But somedays - she probably felt farther from you than Pluto is from the sun. Then add that frustration she's manifested in her mind about being a Mistake, worthless, useless, unwanted, a problem, tossed away once already - her bioparents giving her up for what must have seemed to her like a very poor reason. No matter if it was for the best, for her - or if they were selfish and the decision was for them - To an adoptee most reasons you are given (shrug) could be overcome IF....and then you spend a lifetime figuring out how your parents could have held on to you or why they gave you up and kept siblings - do I have siblings? OMG...am I a single child, do I have a brother, was I denied my sisters? How about my Grandparents - I wonder if I look like them - do they even know I exist? Does ANYONE know I EXIST?? It's a mind game that your brain does on yourself and it's almost like a mental disorder. Every movie about anything that was adopted used to peeve me off. Then I had my own son - and sat in my hospital bed alone with him in my arms for the first time and when the nurse came to take him back to the nursery- I couldn't let him go. Thoughts went through my head like "HOW....HOW could anyone hold him and then hand him away after 9 months of miserable, throw up - gained a ton. HOW could you just hand a baby over and say - Here take him? I think that was the very first time I had EVER felt sorry for both my Mom and my BM at the same time. To know - that someone WANTED a baby like me so badly first off - and then to think about someone taking that baby and handing it to someone and never seeing him again? I was just struck with awe. Two quite incredible women had been a part of my life. Both gave me life. </p><p> </p><p>The part about searching? Yeah (scratches head) well I went through that too. I think I was about 14 or 15 maybe a little older and I announced that I wanted to find my BiPolar (BP), and any siblings. IN MY MIND - this I figured would give me the answers to the questions that plagued me for years. The ones that I answered incorrectly in my head that became the foundation for my self-destruction -but had I known as a child this is what I was doing? I would have stopped it, and the patterns that went along with it. Sadly - I didn't. Like I said I had no clue what was wrong with me, and I didn't internalize my emotions - I was a firecracker. </p><p> </p><p>When my Mom heard this we were in the mall - and she nodded and about that time this woman came walking towards us and I mean she was stunning, looked to be very smart, dressed to the nines, perfect hair, makeup, shoes, professional looking, even smelled good. She walked as if she were president to me. So my Mom says softly - "What if that woman were your BM? Hmm How would that be?" and my mind raced with the princess stories, and secret inheritance due to me that would come someday with all the apologies of "WE made the mistake and never should have given you up." and I kept thinking - Yes - I was from beautiful people. She said I didn't have to answer just think about it. I did. It was wonderful all day. So later that same day we are at Kmart and as we are walking in the Kmart this huge woman - I mean probably 360 lbs, slovenly dressed, hair horribly haggy, missing teeth, waddling side to side, she looked dirty, as a teen you guess by her attire she wasn't very intelligent....and just smelled of B.O. She was dragging a kid along behind her - he looked about the same way - and she was yelling "Hurry up." Not very Motherly like. It was quite a scene. So my Mom in all her wisdom leans over and says "And.....what if THAT were your BM?" WOW......</p><p> </p><p>The princess, secret inheritance and nicely dressed Mother I had pictured in my head went vrrrrrrrrrrrrttttttttttttt like a needle scratching over a record and in a flash I was living in a one room shack, in the hills, with no shoes, chopping wood with no indoor plumbing, seven brothers and sisters running around and my BM standing there scratching herself while screaming. it was horrible. </p><p> </p><p>After shopping and being left to my thoughts - Mom asked me if I wanted to take that chance? Did I want to literally flip a coin on my life and have it be 50% chance that I could be from greatness, wealth and educated people, OR did I want to take the chance that I came from slovenly, unkempt, seemingly uneducated people. Then what would I do if it were the latter? I'd be stuck.. Then she told me there was no guarantee that any rich family would be wonderful, and that maybe it was the poor looking lady who was fantastic. I mean it made me think about what MAY be. I already had a family that loved me....but if the desire to go off and search for someone who willingly gave me up at birth for a better life - she would help me. That is about the only thing she could tell me - I was given up willingly. Even that? I wish I hadn't ever found out. She only told me because she thought it would help. But I can tell you this - that little exercise made me realize that day - that my Mom loved me so much she was willing to do whatever to show me she loved me. I kept thinking "What right do I have to ruin her life?" Either of them. </p><p>So that added to the confusion - but in a good way. </p><p> </p><p>When your daughter asked you if you would have adopted her knowing how difficult she was? She's doing soul searching. All the things - like Juno? Yup - she's trying to figure where does that story fit in her life. Can you imagine walking by people, hundreds and thousands of people every day and in the back of your mind your brain starts - HEY you suppose you are related to him? Her? I'm a good artist. I wonder if it was my BD, BM or Grands that were artists - am I related to Rembrant? Why is my skin olive, why am I good at sports. Why can't I sing? How come I'm not taller, shorter - I mean it is a real bender. I was going through therapy when I was suspected of having a brain tumor. So the doctor sent me for a battery of tests top to bottom, then an MRI. When the results came back, of course I didn't have a tumor - but that day I was asked/told - Did one or both of your parents have Thalassemia? (Anemia +) I sat there kinda silent. Then he said And the Raynauds, and PCOS - you know those three things have to mean you are Mediterranian discent - do you know which culture? I sat there thinking - HOW many people in the world could have this Thalassemia - it sounded rare.....I could narrow down findin........ugh....."No I said - I'm adopted, and have no idea about health records." Too bad was his answer. </p><p> </p><p>So genetically I got the shallow end of the pool....I have health issues - I even joked last month with my Mom - NO WONDER I was put up for adoption - if I'm the collective genetic blob of 2 people with all these issues - they were smart to let me go. If I'd been a puppy - I'd have been put down. But now? It's a good laugh as if it was someone else that spent my "Adopted" life being angry. I dont' talk about it at all until it's a subject here or helps someone because - if you haven't been adopted there is NO way for you to know what that person is going through. And true - there are some kids that are adopted, never know about anything, don't care - just take life at face value - and move on. It's rare. </p><p> </p><p>Like I said - the best thing you can do for her right now? Get YOURSELF into counseling. You can't figure this out by yourself - if you could? You would have by now right? I mean she's 17? And to say that each of us had all the answers to what specifically is bugging your kid? Never happen. I think the divorce was way more devistating to her than you realize - once again someone left her. Divorce is hell on kids - sometimes for the right reasons. But it still can't help her feel what she may be feeling. </p><p> </p><p>As far as her choosing to fail? She's not choosing - it's not like she looks at the books or papers and says "Nope, don't want to." I belive she can't. It's too much. Her self-esteem is telling her that. she's got so much else going on in her head and her psyche that is so much more important to her to figure out - she can't concentrate on school. i mean WHO goes to school every day to fail and be ridiculed in front of their peers for bad grades? Somewhere something has really snapped in her and she needs to begin finding out the real her - the brilliant her. The Her that she looks at in the mirror and says "You are pretty, you are smart, you wont do bone-headed things for attention." Most of what I see in your girl is attention seeking behaviors and frustration. I think to help - you're best bet would be a counselor that you could tell what YOU think is going on with her and then find the way to coax her into going with you. They psychiatrists can teach you that - and they can talk to teens in a manner that she won't find offensive or belittling....just conversational that tells the psychiatrist a very good starting place. </p><p> </p><p>I hope again - this helps. Just know - she's not angry at you or with you. She's frustrated with herself and you are a safe person that is NOT going to leave her so she knows she can 'take it out' on you - and you're not going to leave. Ever. If she didn't think you loved her? she'd never be able to scream at you like she does. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 363094, member: 4964"] Dash - I hope the tears you shed were good ones that can help, not hurt. It has never been my intention to hurt anyone on this board ever. I joke, I kid and sometimes I'm sarcastic - but to outright hurt someone? Nope. The things that you've shared with me that your daughter has shared with you? Fairly common as far as I'm concerned. She said it to you in huge red letters on the wall, and there is your beginning for her self-destruction. she said "I'm a MISTAKE." I'm not sure anyone could ever imagine how that feels personally - but it's like being picked last for the team every time, or being picked last while everyone groans "oh not her." Year after year x 199. It that funky mapping that makes us think things like that and at the time she was creating this idea or thought in her head - how could you have known? You just kept telling her "We love you." and moving forward fighting battles together. But somedays - she probably felt farther from you than Pluto is from the sun. Then add that frustration she's manifested in her mind about being a Mistake, worthless, useless, unwanted, a problem, tossed away once already - her bioparents giving her up for what must have seemed to her like a very poor reason. No matter if it was for the best, for her - or if they were selfish and the decision was for them - To an adoptee most reasons you are given (shrug) could be overcome IF....and then you spend a lifetime figuring out how your parents could have held on to you or why they gave you up and kept siblings - do I have siblings? OMG...am I a single child, do I have a brother, was I denied my sisters? How about my Grandparents - I wonder if I look like them - do they even know I exist? Does ANYONE know I EXIST?? It's a mind game that your brain does on yourself and it's almost like a mental disorder. Every movie about anything that was adopted used to peeve me off. Then I had my own son - and sat in my hospital bed alone with him in my arms for the first time and when the nurse came to take him back to the nursery- I couldn't let him go. Thoughts went through my head like "HOW....HOW could anyone hold him and then hand him away after 9 months of miserable, throw up - gained a ton. HOW could you just hand a baby over and say - Here take him? I think that was the very first time I had EVER felt sorry for both my Mom and my BM at the same time. To know - that someone WANTED a baby like me so badly first off - and then to think about someone taking that baby and handing it to someone and never seeing him again? I was just struck with awe. Two quite incredible women had been a part of my life. Both gave me life. The part about searching? Yeah (scratches head) well I went through that too. I think I was about 14 or 15 maybe a little older and I announced that I wanted to find my BiPolar (BP), and any siblings. IN MY MIND - this I figured would give me the answers to the questions that plagued me for years. The ones that I answered incorrectly in my head that became the foundation for my self-destruction -but had I known as a child this is what I was doing? I would have stopped it, and the patterns that went along with it. Sadly - I didn't. Like I said I had no clue what was wrong with me, and I didn't internalize my emotions - I was a firecracker. When my Mom heard this we were in the mall - and she nodded and about that time this woman came walking towards us and I mean she was stunning, looked to be very smart, dressed to the nines, perfect hair, makeup, shoes, professional looking, even smelled good. She walked as if she were president to me. So my Mom says softly - "What if that woman were your BM? Hmm How would that be?" and my mind raced with the princess stories, and secret inheritance due to me that would come someday with all the apologies of "WE made the mistake and never should have given you up." and I kept thinking - Yes - I was from beautiful people. She said I didn't have to answer just think about it. I did. It was wonderful all day. So later that same day we are at Kmart and as we are walking in the Kmart this huge woman - I mean probably 360 lbs, slovenly dressed, hair horribly haggy, missing teeth, waddling side to side, she looked dirty, as a teen you guess by her attire she wasn't very intelligent....and just smelled of B.O. She was dragging a kid along behind her - he looked about the same way - and she was yelling "Hurry up." Not very Motherly like. It was quite a scene. So my Mom in all her wisdom leans over and says "And.....what if THAT were your BM?" WOW...... The princess, secret inheritance and nicely dressed Mother I had pictured in my head went vrrrrrrrrrrrrttttttttttttt like a needle scratching over a record and in a flash I was living in a one room shack, in the hills, with no shoes, chopping wood with no indoor plumbing, seven brothers and sisters running around and my BM standing there scratching herself while screaming. it was horrible. After shopping and being left to my thoughts - Mom asked me if I wanted to take that chance? Did I want to literally flip a coin on my life and have it be 50% chance that I could be from greatness, wealth and educated people, OR did I want to take the chance that I came from slovenly, unkempt, seemingly uneducated people. Then what would I do if it were the latter? I'd be stuck.. Then she told me there was no guarantee that any rich family would be wonderful, and that maybe it was the poor looking lady who was fantastic. I mean it made me think about what MAY be. I already had a family that loved me....but if the desire to go off and search for someone who willingly gave me up at birth for a better life - she would help me. That is about the only thing she could tell me - I was given up willingly. Even that? I wish I hadn't ever found out. She only told me because she thought it would help. But I can tell you this - that little exercise made me realize that day - that my Mom loved me so much she was willing to do whatever to show me she loved me. I kept thinking "What right do I have to ruin her life?" Either of them. So that added to the confusion - but in a good way. When your daughter asked you if you would have adopted her knowing how difficult she was? She's doing soul searching. All the things - like Juno? Yup - she's trying to figure where does that story fit in her life. Can you imagine walking by people, hundreds and thousands of people every day and in the back of your mind your brain starts - HEY you suppose you are related to him? Her? I'm a good artist. I wonder if it was my BD, BM or Grands that were artists - am I related to Rembrant? Why is my skin olive, why am I good at sports. Why can't I sing? How come I'm not taller, shorter - I mean it is a real bender. I was going through therapy when I was suspected of having a brain tumor. So the doctor sent me for a battery of tests top to bottom, then an MRI. When the results came back, of course I didn't have a tumor - but that day I was asked/told - Did one or both of your parents have Thalassemia? (Anemia +) I sat there kinda silent. Then he said And the Raynauds, and PCOS - you know those three things have to mean you are Mediterranian discent - do you know which culture? I sat there thinking - HOW many people in the world could have this Thalassemia - it sounded rare.....I could narrow down findin........ugh....."No I said - I'm adopted, and have no idea about health records." Too bad was his answer. So genetically I got the shallow end of the pool....I have health issues - I even joked last month with my Mom - NO WONDER I was put up for adoption - if I'm the collective genetic blob of 2 people with all these issues - they were smart to let me go. If I'd been a puppy - I'd have been put down. But now? It's a good laugh as if it was someone else that spent my "Adopted" life being angry. I dont' talk about it at all until it's a subject here or helps someone because - if you haven't been adopted there is NO way for you to know what that person is going through. And true - there are some kids that are adopted, never know about anything, don't care - just take life at face value - and move on. It's rare. Like I said - the best thing you can do for her right now? Get YOURSELF into counseling. You can't figure this out by yourself - if you could? You would have by now right? I mean she's 17? And to say that each of us had all the answers to what specifically is bugging your kid? Never happen. I think the divorce was way more devistating to her than you realize - once again someone left her. Divorce is hell on kids - sometimes for the right reasons. But it still can't help her feel what she may be feeling. As far as her choosing to fail? She's not choosing - it's not like she looks at the books or papers and says "Nope, don't want to." I belive she can't. It's too much. Her self-esteem is telling her that. she's got so much else going on in her head and her psyche that is so much more important to her to figure out - she can't concentrate on school. i mean WHO goes to school every day to fail and be ridiculed in front of their peers for bad grades? Somewhere something has really snapped in her and she needs to begin finding out the real her - the brilliant her. The Her that she looks at in the mirror and says "You are pretty, you are smart, you wont do bone-headed things for attention." Most of what I see in your girl is attention seeking behaviors and frustration. I think to help - you're best bet would be a counselor that you could tell what YOU think is going on with her and then find the way to coax her into going with you. They psychiatrists can teach you that - and they can talk to teens in a manner that she won't find offensive or belittling....just conversational that tells the psychiatrist a very good starting place. I hope again - this helps. Just know - she's not angry at you or with you. She's frustrated with herself and you are a safe person that is NOT going to leave her so she knows she can 'take it out' on you - and you're not going to leave. Ever. If she didn't think you loved her? she'd never be able to scream at you like she does. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
When to step in - when to stay out ....
Top