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Parent Emeritus
When you don’t know what to do anymore, and you just want to give up.
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 765552" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Liz, welcome to CD, so sorry for your need to be here, but I’m very glad you found us. </p><p></p><p> That’s a lot to deal with. My goodness, you must be exhausted. Plus on top of all of this you are grieving your Mums passing. I’m so sorry for your heartache. </p><p></p><p></p><p>Despite his challenges he is resourceful. </p><p></p><p></p><p>I’m sorry. That is an awful thing to discover. </p><p></p><p></p><p>He is your son, but is also out of control, and trying to manipulate you. This is not your fault, Liz. He has shown by moving out that he is capable. It is unfair that he uses his issues and suicide attempts to gain power over you. </p><p></p><p>There have been members here who have had to deal with this from their adult children. The advice given is to call police if there is suicidal talk. </p><p> You absolutely cannot have him in your home. That is a firm boundary.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Nonsense! Our homes are our sanctuaries, not free zones for adult children to do as they please. There are rules to abide by wherever we go. </p><p></p><p></p><p>There are those of us who have gone no contact for a time, to get respite from the drama and to collect ourselves enough to find a safe solution. </p><p>You are right to do everything in your power to protect yourself and your girls. </p><p></p><p>Is there an organization that you can turn to for help? Your son is intimidating you and using rage, adult temper tantrums and suicidal threats to get his way. Members have mentioned NAMI (if you are in the US). There must be someone you can contact to help you navigate this difficult situation? I hope others will come along soon with more suggestions. I do think that getting counseling for yourself would help with all of the different feelings you are experiencing. At this point it is essential that you find ways to protect yourself and your girls. Perhaps a therapist could help you find resources for your safety, as well as help to process all of this. </p><p></p><p> Oh goodness Liz, please know that you are not alone. I’m glad you happened upon CD, there are many who have been in your shoes. Again, I am so sorry for your Moms passing, I’m sure she has been there for you with your struggles. That is a huge loss to bear. </p><p></p><p></p><p>Please don’t blame yourself. We have all felt that, if we could have done this, or that, maybe things would be different? The truth is, we did the best we could to raise our kids under the circumstances we were dealt with. Sure, we made mistakes along the way. We are only human.</p><p>Have you heard the saying “Didn’t cause it, can’t cure it, or control it? Understanding this is a way to get off the dizzying “not so merry go round” and out from under the fog. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. FOG. Most of us have been there, stuck in the chaos of our wayward adult kids choices, with no foreseeable way out. They are super attuned to this, and know just how to keep tugging at our heartstrings to keep us feeling lost, alone and focused on their lives. It’s next to impossible to make rational decisions in this frame of mind. We start reacting, rather than finding ways to have healthier responses.</p><p>Try to slow way down, breath. If prayer is your way, pray. </p><p>You have already figured out that your son won’t listen to any advice you give. Perhaps limiting phone calls will help, so you can get respite from his attempts to manipulate you, guilt trip you, cause you to second guess your right to peace in your home, mind and heart. In the meantime, I hope that you can muster up the strength to seek resources that will guide you as far as dealing with your fears of him committing suicide, or becoming violent with you or your daughters. </p><p>Are your daughters seeing a counselor to deal with their brother’s past inappropriate advances? Perhaps that would be another avenue to get help for your safety. </p><p>I was able to get a motion security camera for my front door, it gives me a bit of peace of mind, it records movement and sends it to my phone, I can see if anyone is near the house when I am not home. </p><p>Soon others will come along and offer suggestions and support. Please take care of yourself and hang in there. </p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 765552, member: 19522"] Hi Liz, welcome to CD, so sorry for your need to be here, but I’m very glad you found us. That’s a lot to deal with. My goodness, you must be exhausted. Plus on top of all of this you are grieving your Mums passing. I’m so sorry for your heartache. Despite his challenges he is resourceful. I’m sorry. That is an awful thing to discover. He is your son, but is also out of control, and trying to manipulate you. This is not your fault, Liz. He has shown by moving out that he is capable. It is unfair that he uses his issues and suicide attempts to gain power over you. There have been members here who have had to deal with this from their adult children. The advice given is to call police if there is suicidal talk. You absolutely cannot have him in your home. That is a firm boundary. Nonsense! Our homes are our sanctuaries, not free zones for adult children to do as they please. There are rules to abide by wherever we go. There are those of us who have gone no contact for a time, to get respite from the drama and to collect ourselves enough to find a safe solution. You are right to do everything in your power to protect yourself and your girls. Is there an organization that you can turn to for help? Your son is intimidating you and using rage, adult temper tantrums and suicidal threats to get his way. Members have mentioned NAMI (if you are in the US). There must be someone you can contact to help you navigate this difficult situation? I hope others will come along soon with more suggestions. I do think that getting counseling for yourself would help with all of the different feelings you are experiencing. At this point it is essential that you find ways to protect yourself and your girls. Perhaps a therapist could help you find resources for your safety, as well as help to process all of this. Oh goodness Liz, please know that you are not alone. I’m glad you happened upon CD, there are many who have been in your shoes. Again, I am so sorry for your Moms passing, I’m sure she has been there for you with your struggles. That is a huge loss to bear. Please don’t blame yourself. We have all felt that, if we could have done this, or that, maybe things would be different? The truth is, we did the best we could to raise our kids under the circumstances we were dealt with. Sure, we made mistakes along the way. We are only human. Have you heard the saying “Didn’t cause it, can’t cure it, or control it? Understanding this is a way to get off the dizzying “not so merry go round” and out from under the fog. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. FOG. Most of us have been there, stuck in the chaos of our wayward adult kids choices, with no foreseeable way out. They are super attuned to this, and know just how to keep tugging at our heartstrings to keep us feeling lost, alone and focused on their lives. It’s next to impossible to make rational decisions in this frame of mind. We start reacting, rather than finding ways to have healthier responses. Try to slow way down, breath. If prayer is your way, pray. You have already figured out that your son won’t listen to any advice you give. Perhaps limiting phone calls will help, so you can get respite from his attempts to manipulate you, guilt trip you, cause you to second guess your right to peace in your home, mind and heart. In the meantime, I hope that you can muster up the strength to seek resources that will guide you as far as dealing with your fears of him committing suicide, or becoming violent with you or your daughters. Are your daughters seeing a counselor to deal with their brother’s past inappropriate advances? Perhaps that would be another avenue to get help for your safety. I was able to get a motion security camera for my front door, it gives me a bit of peace of mind, it records movement and sends it to my phone, I can see if anyone is near the house when I am not home. Soon others will come along and offer suggestions and support. Please take care of yourself and hang in there. (((Hugs))) New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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When you don’t know what to do anymore, and you just want to give up.
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