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Family of Origin
When you take the place of the real abuser in your abusers life
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 666968" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>There is a key for us here: Enslaved. Imprisoned.</p><p></p><p>That is us.</p><p></p><p>Enslaved to the required roles then, in our childhoods; imprisoned within the roles now, by our habitual patterns of thinking.</p><p></p><p>The outrageous (and they are outrageous) behaviors of our roaringly dysfunctional sibs reveal the intrinsic pathology in the roles we were enslaved to fulfill. </p><p></p><p>Think about that for a minute. See without the hurt. See the horrible damage in those roles. We lived that.</p><p></p><p>We grew up with the messages our sisters are so determinedly sending to this day.</p><p></p><p>That is their fascination for us.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I mean enslaved in the sense that we were never allowed legitimacy outside the parameters of the role.</p><p></p><p>Born into families committed to a systematic dehumanization similar in form and function to the systematic dehumanization of societal racism, we are victims of prejudice as surely as any disenfranchised people. </p><p></p><p>Put the pieces together. Trace the way we are so determinedly seen by our sisters in light of what we know of the justification employed to service the hatred of the rabid racist. </p><p></p><p><a href="http://inthesetimes.com/article/2523" target="_blank">http://inthesetimes.com/article/2523</a></p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Understand the freedom in taking charge of our lives through the one thing the rules in our dysfunctional families could not prevent: That we grew into beautiful women. Think of the guilt surrounding our own sexuality and where that came from in light of racist rhetoric. Think of our own senses of free fall in learning to think for ourselves, in determining right from wrong and in the concept of service we each came to feel so strongly.</p><p></p><p>Think of my sense of freedom in finding the Benedictines: <em>Like me. To this day: Like me.</em></p><p></p><p>Think of the truth that in each of our cases, the males who love us are hated as passionately as we are; that they are lied about and fiercely disparaged <em>as are our children</em>.</p><p></p><p>Those things, all this and more ~ are a form of racism <em>and that is how we were brought up. Those are the emotional currents describing and attending the term scapegoat.</em></p><p></p><p>That is what we are dealing with here. I think it will be helpful for us to explore FOO issues in this light. With sincere apology to those experiencing the additional burden of societal racism...man, I could never understand that term white privilege. Now, I am acknowledging the taste of that in unraveling the undercurrents of my own life. </p><p></p><p>The ugliness of racism. The unreasoning hatred of prejudice. The endless disparagement. The reflex self righteousness of the outraged racist who, as my sister claims to do too, walks with some version of the Lord in justifying her determination to hate and devalue and disparage.</p><p></p><p>Isn't that something. </p><p></p><p>Think of the controversies erupting over the issue of gay marriage.</p><p></p><p>Think of the way hatred works, whatever its focus.</p><p></p><p>We each will come through this layer with hearts open. Where that will bring us is unknown, but these understandings about myself will change everything about how I experience the ugliness that is prejudice in all its forms. The roles we were twisted into in our families of origin are ingrained in us, are so much who we are that, until today, we were blind to it.</p><p></p><p><em>A blind and savaged Child recall</em></p><p><em>its first and bitter tears</em></p><p><em>Metallic</em></p><p><em>copper colored fears</em></p><p></p><p><em>Recall shattered reflections</em></p><p><em>insane turnings and twistings</em></p><p></p><p><em>White candles</em></p><p><em>in an Innocent's mirror</em></p><p></p><p>I forgot how the rest of that one goes. What it feels like, to have been blinded as we have been, is that feeling of "automaton". That numbing comprised of confusion and primal fear. Now, we see it for what it is.</p><p></p><p>Healing will happen rapidly for us, now.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p>These understandings will guide and inform our healing.</p><p></p><p>Just think of Serenity's rabidly obsessed sister taking some weird satisfaction from imagining the hurt Serenity will feel.</p><p></p><p><em>Who does that?</em></p><p></p><p>That is the nature and intensity of feeling each of our sisters focuses onto each of us. Little girls still when we took on the role of pseudo mom, we were enslaved to the needs of the roaringly dysfunctional family <em>and we are still serving that same role, particularly for our less evolved, grandiosity-twisted sisters</em>. </p><p></p><p>This experience with Serenity's sister has been beneficial for us. </p><p></p><p>I deeply regret the hurt in it for you, Serenity. Your sister is hatefully wrong in her thinking, as all racist or fundamentalist thinkers inherently are. But in exposing the nature of the dysfunction she carries here, your sister has enabled each of us to see ourselves and our positions with clarity.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>So, I am thinking of that feeling of "automaton". That is how we function through fear. We experience varying degrees of automaton in every smallest interaction with our toxic families of origin. We carry the taste of that into our outer lives, too.</p><p></p><p>Now, we know where it comes from, and we know why and how. Now, we have a model for healing something very like racism and the prejudice justifying it.</p><p></p><p>Now, we will easily declare freedom from the taste of it. That is not us. That is the flavor of them. Racist, prejudiced, self righteous.</p><p></p><p>Easily, so easily cleared, once we see it.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>So, I was going to go into this whole thing about my sister and her identity with the primary abuser and etc. I decided that, now that we understand what their deal is, the sisters can be safely disregarded.</p><p></p><p>The way we see our sisters: This too is a role, is an identity we were hurt into and how did we miss that?!?</p><p></p><p>That is where we work, next.</p><p></p><p>Automaton. </p><p></p><p>We will come to the heart of this and choose freedom for ourselves as surely as people of color are fighting for their own freedom.</p><p></p><p>And we will do it just the way they are doing it.</p><p></p><p>Our enslavement is no less pervasive a thing than the enslavement of any person or group of people. It's a mindset hurt into us in our dysfunctional family systems. (Whoo boy, dysfunction. That's a nice, clean term for what really went on in our families of origin.) The roles they insisted on left us believing we have no choice. </p><p></p><p>We do.</p><p></p><p>It's having been taught we are dirty or less than. <em>That is the harm in what the witch mother did, and the sisters want to do it, too. </em></p><p></p><p>Automaton.</p><p></p><p>There are amazing answers here for us.</p><p></p><p>The core issue, exposed.</p><p></p><p>The blind hatred fueling prejudice and racism. That's what fuels our dysfunctional family systems to this very day.</p><p></p><p>No wonder being the nice guy didn't work. Who wouldn't rather have a nice, amenable to her enslavement slave than a rebellious one.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think it is our slave mentality that leaves us at a loss now, confronted by the rabid hatred of sisters we felt responsible for and protective of.</p><p></p><p><em>Why do the sisters matter to us</em>? It could be the dynamic behind the term white privilege.</p><p></p><p>Ugly stories; everything about the way we grew up, so ugly. </p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I see the racist's hatred and determination in Serenity's sister. Why do <em>we</em> carry the shame of <em>their</em> dysfunction? Theirs is a mindset of contempt and hatred and self justification as ugly as any form of prejudice we can name. </p><p></p><p>Our sisters are functioning from a prejudicial hatred because it serves them to do so but...why are we listening?</p><p></p><p><a href="http://echorecovery.blogspot.com/2013/08/narcissistic-mother-scapegoat.html" target="_blank">http://echorecovery.blogspot.com/2013/08/narcissistic-mother-scapegoat.html</a></p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 666968, member: 17461"] There is a key for us here: Enslaved. Imprisoned. That is us. Enslaved to the required roles then, in our childhoods; imprisoned within the roles now, by our habitual patterns of thinking. The outrageous (and they are outrageous) behaviors of our roaringly dysfunctional sibs reveal the intrinsic pathology in the roles we were enslaved to fulfill. Think about that for a minute. See without the hurt. See the horrible damage in those roles. We lived that. We grew up with the messages our sisters are so determinedly sending to this day. That is their fascination for us. *** I mean enslaved in the sense that we were never allowed legitimacy outside the parameters of the role. Born into families committed to a systematic dehumanization similar in form and function to the systematic dehumanization of societal racism, we are victims of prejudice as surely as any disenfranchised people. Put the pieces together. Trace the way we are so determinedly seen by our sisters in light of what we know of the justification employed to service the hatred of the rabid racist. [URL]http://inthesetimes.com/article/2523[/URL] *** Understand the freedom in taking charge of our lives through the one thing the rules in our dysfunctional families could not prevent: That we grew into beautiful women. Think of the guilt surrounding our own sexuality and where that came from in light of racist rhetoric. Think of our own senses of free fall in learning to think for ourselves, in determining right from wrong and in the concept of service we each came to feel so strongly. Think of my sense of freedom in finding the Benedictines: [I]Like me. To this day: Like me.[/I] Think of the truth that in each of our cases, the males who love us are hated as passionately as we are; that they are lied about and fiercely disparaged [I]as are our children[/I]. Those things, all this and more ~ are a form of racism [I]and that is how we were brought up. Those are the emotional currents describing and attending the term scapegoat.[/I] That is what we are dealing with here. I think it will be helpful for us to explore FOO issues in this light. With sincere apology to those experiencing the additional burden of societal racism...man, I could never understand that term white privilege. Now, I am acknowledging the taste of that in unraveling the undercurrents of my own life. The ugliness of racism. The unreasoning hatred of prejudice. The endless disparagement. The reflex self righteousness of the outraged racist who, as my sister claims to do too, walks with some version of the Lord in justifying her determination to hate and devalue and disparage. Isn't that something. Think of the controversies erupting over the issue of gay marriage. Think of the way hatred works, whatever its focus. We each will come through this layer with hearts open. Where that will bring us is unknown, but these understandings about myself will change everything about how I experience the ugliness that is prejudice in all its forms. The roles we were twisted into in our families of origin are ingrained in us, are so much who we are that, until today, we were blind to it. [I]A blind and savaged Child recall its first and bitter tears Metallic copper colored fears[/I] [I]Recall shattered reflections insane turnings and twistings[/I] [I]White candles in an Innocent's mirror[/I] I forgot how the rest of that one goes. What it feels like, to have been blinded as we have been, is that feeling of "automaton". That numbing comprised of confusion and primal fear. Now, we see it for what it is. Healing will happen rapidly for us, now. *** These understandings will guide and inform our healing. Just think of Serenity's rabidly obsessed sister taking some weird satisfaction from imagining the hurt Serenity will feel. [I]Who does that?[/I] That is the nature and intensity of feeling each of our sisters focuses onto each of us. Little girls still when we took on the role of pseudo mom, we were enslaved to the needs of the roaringly dysfunctional family [I]and we are still serving that same role, particularly for our less evolved, grandiosity-twisted sisters[/I]. This experience with Serenity's sister has been beneficial for us. I deeply regret the hurt in it for you, Serenity. Your sister is hatefully wrong in her thinking, as all racist or fundamentalist thinkers inherently are. But in exposing the nature of the dysfunction she carries here, your sister has enabled each of us to see ourselves and our positions with clarity. *** So, I am thinking of that feeling of "automaton". That is how we function through fear. We experience varying degrees of automaton in every smallest interaction with our toxic families of origin. We carry the taste of that into our outer lives, too. Now, we know where it comes from, and we know why and how. Now, we have a model for healing something very like racism and the prejudice justifying it. Now, we will easily declare freedom from the taste of it. That is not us. That is the flavor of them. Racist, prejudiced, self righteous. Easily, so easily cleared, once we see it. *** So, I was going to go into this whole thing about my sister and her identity with the primary abuser and etc. I decided that, now that we understand what their deal is, the sisters can be safely disregarded. The way we see our sisters: This too is a role, is an identity we were hurt into and how did we miss that?!? That is where we work, next. Automaton. We will come to the heart of this and choose freedom for ourselves as surely as people of color are fighting for their own freedom. And we will do it just the way they are doing it. Our enslavement is no less pervasive a thing than the enslavement of any person or group of people. It's a mindset hurt into us in our dysfunctional family systems. (Whoo boy, dysfunction. That's a nice, clean term for what really went on in our families of origin.) The roles they insisted on left us believing we have no choice. We do. It's having been taught we are dirty or less than. [I]That is the harm in what the witch mother did, and the sisters want to do it, too. [/I] Automaton. There are amazing answers here for us. The core issue, exposed. The blind hatred fueling prejudice and racism. That's what fuels our dysfunctional family systems to this very day. No wonder being the nice guy didn't work. Who wouldn't rather have a nice, amenable to her enslavement slave than a rebellious one. Huh. I think it is our slave mentality that leaves us at a loss now, confronted by the rabid hatred of sisters we felt responsible for and protective of. [I]Why do the sisters matter to us[/I]? It could be the dynamic behind the term white privilege. Ugly stories; everything about the way we grew up, so ugly. *** I see the racist's hatred and determination in Serenity's sister. Why do [I]we[/I] carry the shame of [I]their[/I] dysfunction? Theirs is a mindset of contempt and hatred and self justification as ugly as any form of prejudice we can name. Our sisters are functioning from a prejudicial hatred because it serves them to do so but...why are we listening? [URL]http://echorecovery.blogspot.com/2013/08/narcissistic-mother-scapegoat.html[/URL] Cedar [/QUOTE]
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