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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 689590" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Madre, Hi and welcome to the forum. I think you are getting a lot of good thinking here from others who have responded.</p><p></p><p>It sounds like you have had a very challenging life to date, and have given so much of yourself, your time and your money to your kids. </p><p></p><p>Now it's time for you. I agree that the best thing for you and for them would be for you to find your own way forward. That doesn't mean "all or nothing" in terms of your relationship with them. I have found with my own two grown sons, that if I "let them come to me" our relationship is much better and stronger. Today, my older son, who got married last August, calls me way more than I call him. I love him very much but he has his own life with his new wife, and that is exactly how it should be. Is it perfect (from my standpoint)? Not at all. I wish lots of things for him, but I believe and have learned that he has a right to make his own decisions and choices, no matter how they appear to me, and I need to back way way away and not interfere. He is an adult now. </p><p></p><p>The same with my younger son, who will be 27 in July. He is my Difficult Child and although much better (so much better!!!) in the past two years, there are of course things I see differently from him about his life and choices.</p><p></p><p>But I work really really hard to keep my mouth shut and to be a supportive, encouraging presence and allow him to again, live his own life.</p><p></p><p>So...back to YOU. What do you like to do? What brings you peace and joy and serenity? Start focusing on those small things, integrating them into your life little by little. Turn the focus from them onto yourself. I know you wrote that you have 4 part-time jobs and that is a lot! I imagine you are running all the time. But when you finally have a few minutes to yourself, take care of YOU by doing nice things for yourself.</p><p></p><p>I agree that living on your own is preferable to living with either of your kids. Start working today to unentangle your affairs from their affairs. Let them stand on their own, and you stand on your own. That is the best path to a much healthier relationship over time.</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry the past years have been a hard time both for your own life and in your relationships. But please know that most of us here on this forum have experienced miraculous change---primarily in ourselves---through work and focus, and that leads to change in relationships and ultimately, sometimes, in other people and how they behave.</p><p></p><p>Please read back through these ideas that have been presented to you so far, and think about what might work for you. Change is often very good and healthy. Please also know that we respect you and your right to make your own choices, and we're still here for you no matter what those choices are. We understand that you know more about your own situation than any of us possibly could.</p><p></p><p>We offer our thoughts, support and encouragement from a place of care and concern. We're glad you're here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 689590, member: 17542"] Madre, Hi and welcome to the forum. I think you are getting a lot of good thinking here from others who have responded. It sounds like you have had a very challenging life to date, and have given so much of yourself, your time and your money to your kids. Now it's time for you. I agree that the best thing for you and for them would be for you to find your own way forward. That doesn't mean "all or nothing" in terms of your relationship with them. I have found with my own two grown sons, that if I "let them come to me" our relationship is much better and stronger. Today, my older son, who got married last August, calls me way more than I call him. I love him very much but he has his own life with his new wife, and that is exactly how it should be. Is it perfect (from my standpoint)? Not at all. I wish lots of things for him, but I believe and have learned that he has a right to make his own decisions and choices, no matter how they appear to me, and I need to back way way away and not interfere. He is an adult now. The same with my younger son, who will be 27 in July. He is my Difficult Child and although much better (so much better!!!) in the past two years, there are of course things I see differently from him about his life and choices. But I work really really hard to keep my mouth shut and to be a supportive, encouraging presence and allow him to again, live his own life. So...back to YOU. What do you like to do? What brings you peace and joy and serenity? Start focusing on those small things, integrating them into your life little by little. Turn the focus from them onto yourself. I know you wrote that you have 4 part-time jobs and that is a lot! I imagine you are running all the time. But when you finally have a few minutes to yourself, take care of YOU by doing nice things for yourself. I agree that living on your own is preferable to living with either of your kids. Start working today to unentangle your affairs from their affairs. Let them stand on their own, and you stand on your own. That is the best path to a much healthier relationship over time. I'm so sorry the past years have been a hard time both for your own life and in your relationships. But please know that most of us here on this forum have experienced miraculous change---primarily in ourselves---through work and focus, and that leads to change in relationships and ultimately, sometimes, in other people and how they behave. Please read back through these ideas that have been presented to you so far, and think about what might work for you. Change is often very good and healthy. Please also know that we respect you and your right to make your own choices, and we're still here for you no matter what those choices are. We understand that you know more about your own situation than any of us possibly could. We offer our thoughts, support and encouragement from a place of care and concern. We're glad you're here. [/QUOTE]
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