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Why can’t I stop poking the bear? (Borderline estranged daughter)
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<blockquote data-quote="ButCoffeeFirst" data-source="post: 764357" data-attributes="member: 28722"><p>It was my birthday yesterday. i had a lovely day and a very happy dinner out with my son and husband.</p><p>But I could not resist checking my estranged daughters TikTok account. I know better, but sometimes I am weak.</p><p>And there is was. The nasty, mocking video. I knew it would be there. And I still looked.</p><p>i knew it would not be enough for her to ignore my birthday. She would take the effort to make a video that day that would cause me pain, and hope that I would see it.</p><p>Do other parents of estranged unwell children do this? Intentionally cause themselves pain because they cannot seem to resist?</p><p></p><p>I think that I have detached with love. I think that I have finally stopped crying about the horrible, unexpected estrangement from our unwell child.</p><p>But then I poke the bear, and check her social media and my world falls apart again.</p><p>The hatred for me that she needs to express, her desire to inflict pain, will never be something I can brush over.</p><p>So why can’t I stop looking?</p><p></p><p>It shatters my self of self. It is like I am looking in to a mirror and my image is always a bit cracked and distorted. The way she has described me for the last 3 years has permanently changed the reflection. Narcissist, abuser, egg donor, piece of <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> human, unworthy of the title of mother. “I know she stalks this account - comment here so she can feel the hate.”</p><p>And when I give in to that craving to look at her social media and see all the new accusations and bile, the mirror explodes into hundreds of shards and I shatter and cannot see myself at all. </p><p>I don’t learn.</p><p>So I fall apart for a day or three, then start putting the pieces back in place again, rebuilding my self of self and remembering who I am and how much I loved and supported her and how her words do not tell the story of us. And then just as the mirror is taking shape again, and I can see myself, cracked and distorted but essentially intact, I do it again.</p><p></p><p>I have to hide this from my husband and son because I am entirely responsible for my relapse. I know that looking always makes me feel this way. I know I should not look. I know it makes them feel responsible for me. I know it makes them anxious that I may spiral downwards and again become that person who could barely function for grief. I know that it makes them feel like their love and support will never be enough.</p><p></p><p>When will I stop? HOW do I stop?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ButCoffeeFirst, post: 764357, member: 28722"] It was my birthday yesterday. i had a lovely day and a very happy dinner out with my son and husband. But I could not resist checking my estranged daughters TikTok account. I know better, but sometimes I am weak. And there is was. The nasty, mocking video. I knew it would be there. And I still looked. i knew it would not be enough for her to ignore my birthday. She would take the effort to make a video that day that would cause me pain, and hope that I would see it. Do other parents of estranged unwell children do this? Intentionally cause themselves pain because they cannot seem to resist? I think that I have detached with love. I think that I have finally stopped crying about the horrible, unexpected estrangement from our unwell child. But then I poke the bear, and check her social media and my world falls apart again. The hatred for me that she needs to express, her desire to inflict pain, will never be something I can brush over. So why can’t I stop looking? It shatters my self of self. It is like I am looking in to a mirror and my image is always a bit cracked and distorted. The way she has described me for the last 3 years has permanently changed the reflection. Narcissist, abuser, egg donor, piece of :censored2: human, unworthy of the title of mother. “I know she stalks this account - comment here so she can feel the hate.” And when I give in to that craving to look at her social media and see all the new accusations and bile, the mirror explodes into hundreds of shards and I shatter and cannot see myself at all. I don’t learn. So I fall apart for a day or three, then start putting the pieces back in place again, rebuilding my self of self and remembering who I am and how much I loved and supported her and how her words do not tell the story of us. And then just as the mirror is taking shape again, and I can see myself, cracked and distorted but essentially intact, I do it again. I have to hide this from my husband and son because I am entirely responsible for my relapse. I know that looking always makes me feel this way. I know I should not look. I know it makes them feel responsible for me. I know it makes them anxious that I may spiral downwards and again become that person who could barely function for grief. I know that it makes them feel like their love and support will never be enough. When will I stop? HOW do I stop? [/QUOTE]
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Why can’t I stop poking the bear? (Borderline estranged daughter)
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