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Why so numb?
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<blockquote data-quote="BackintheSaddle" data-source="post: 620858" data-attributes="member: 17503"><p>well, today was hard...and exhausting...but I got through it and had some fun! We went to meet some new people so my husband could start competing- met the trainer and all kinds of people...no one knew me or our situation so I could leave it behind..I cried almost the whole way there but (it took about an hour's drive) was able to pull myself together...what happened this morning to set me off was that my difficult child dialed my phone and I didn't know it...so when I saw his missed call (and my heart skipped a beat), I texted him to say that I saw I missed it, it was good to hear from him, was he ok...in a bit, he answered to say 'oh sorry, didn't mean to' (in other words, he butt dialed me)...so said 'how are you' and he never replied...by the time we left, it'd been two hours or so and I knew by then he wasn't going to bother to reply...(sorry this is so long but it helps to explain)....</p><p> </p><p>when all this started to happen, I started some home projects in hopes that they would make me feel more positive...my husband is an electrician and has to do home projects for his work (just not ours) so these were meant to be my projects-- things I can do without his help like paint walls, hang wallpaper...I work all day on a computer and with my work, I rarely have moments where I can step back and admire something I finished and accomplished...I thought having these jobs (painting the kitchen is the biggest bone of contention) would help me heal....well, husband has little patience for mess and has gradually taken on this task because it's taking me too long (I work at least 40 hours/week so no exactly someting I can work on each day)...when I came home yesterday, he'd worked almost all day on it and it's turned out to be a much harder job than imagined-- we have an older house and it's the original wallpaper we're trying to take down and paint the walls...so he'd worked almost all day on one wall and was very frustrated...really let me have it when I got home-- not directed 'at me' so much as venting at how frustrating of a job it was but clearly upset that I'd ever started the project and added to the 'mess in our life'...so fast forward to today, he wants to go start his training and has to have me go (which I had planned to spend the whole day on the kitchen so he'd get off my back)...so as we're hading down the road, I say he has to agree to lighten up about the kitchen since I'm going with him (since I'm losing my day working on it)....and I explain to him how it might not seem important to him but that it's one of the only ways I can feel like I accomplished anything positive and I really need that now...and then the tears start...and I couldn't stop...I devoted 19 years of my life to that difficult child...I was a single mom for the first 3 years, finished putting myself through graduate school while getting up all during the night for a new baby....worked my career around being there for him and making sure he got everything he needed-- my husband is the only father he's ever known and when difficult child was 3, we got married and he adopted difficult child...by the 2nd grade, he was depressed and drew a picture at school of shooting himself so started therapy and has been with the same psychologist ever since...seen with the same psychiatrist since 5th grade...soooooo much trial with him, times when he peed in the closet, stacked furniture in his bedroom against the door so we couldn't get in, threatened to jump out of a moving car, out of an upstairs window...school was always a challenge even though he's very smart...never had friends, always isolated, just never easy, never without issues and the older he got, the more belligerent, bullying, angry, and focused on me...so the tears were all about how I spent 19 years raising that child and look how much I accomplished...he's a mean jerk who can't even reply to me on a text...and no, he's never apologized for how he attacked me without a 'but' and he later sent an email about how much I needed to apologize for all that had happened, not recognizing any of what he'd done...and for the past 1+ year, my husband and I have had days when we weren't sure if our difficult child would attack us in our sleep or not....there were nights we barricaded our bedroom door to make sure he couldn't come in...not because he ever threatened us, but because he was so volatile, we weren't sure what he was capable of...but all the time, the entire time, everything he did was MY fault...he got bad grades because life at home was so stressful, life was so stressful at home because of me-- I had the gall to ask him to pick up after himself, his dad wanted him to be respectful...we asked so little of him and held on until he barely graduated high school and then gave him a list of very generous choices of next steps- he agreed to one that meant he'd live at home and go to community college but would live by a list of rules, including going to see his psychiatrist and taking medications- he paid his tuition upfront and we agreed to pay him back if he followed the rules and got a 3.0...starting November, things started turning to the worst and I found pills he should have taken but didn't...was catching him in lies and the cycle was starting all over again...the 'climax' was the day he attacked me but there was a lot leading up to that and the whole time he was 'confiding' in my parents about how awful life at home was and they were giving him what I'm certain was advice to help drive the wedge even deeper between us and him...</p><p> </p><p>so in the course of the day, I went from numb to sad to angry and then had fun when we were out in the beautiful sunny day...was able to stop thinking about it for awhile...by the time we got home, I was exhausted...but got through the day....hope you did as well...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BackintheSaddle, post: 620858, member: 17503"] well, today was hard...and exhausting...but I got through it and had some fun! We went to meet some new people so my husband could start competing- met the trainer and all kinds of people...no one knew me or our situation so I could leave it behind..I cried almost the whole way there but (it took about an hour's drive) was able to pull myself together...what happened this morning to set me off was that my difficult child dialed my phone and I didn't know it...so when I saw his missed call (and my heart skipped a beat), I texted him to say that I saw I missed it, it was good to hear from him, was he ok...in a bit, he answered to say 'oh sorry, didn't mean to' (in other words, he butt dialed me)...so said 'how are you' and he never replied...by the time we left, it'd been two hours or so and I knew by then he wasn't going to bother to reply...(sorry this is so long but it helps to explain).... when all this started to happen, I started some home projects in hopes that they would make me feel more positive...my husband is an electrician and has to do home projects for his work (just not ours) so these were meant to be my projects-- things I can do without his help like paint walls, hang wallpaper...I work all day on a computer and with my work, I rarely have moments where I can step back and admire something I finished and accomplished...I thought having these jobs (painting the kitchen is the biggest bone of contention) would help me heal....well, husband has little patience for mess and has gradually taken on this task because it's taking me too long (I work at least 40 hours/week so no exactly someting I can work on each day)...when I came home yesterday, he'd worked almost all day on it and it's turned out to be a much harder job than imagined-- we have an older house and it's the original wallpaper we're trying to take down and paint the walls...so he'd worked almost all day on one wall and was very frustrated...really let me have it when I got home-- not directed 'at me' so much as venting at how frustrating of a job it was but clearly upset that I'd ever started the project and added to the 'mess in our life'...so fast forward to today, he wants to go start his training and has to have me go (which I had planned to spend the whole day on the kitchen so he'd get off my back)...so as we're hading down the road, I say he has to agree to lighten up about the kitchen since I'm going with him (since I'm losing my day working on it)....and I explain to him how it might not seem important to him but that it's one of the only ways I can feel like I accomplished anything positive and I really need that now...and then the tears start...and I couldn't stop...I devoted 19 years of my life to that difficult child...I was a single mom for the first 3 years, finished putting myself through graduate school while getting up all during the night for a new baby....worked my career around being there for him and making sure he got everything he needed-- my husband is the only father he's ever known and when difficult child was 3, we got married and he adopted difficult child...by the 2nd grade, he was depressed and drew a picture at school of shooting himself so started therapy and has been with the same psychologist ever since...seen with the same psychiatrist since 5th grade...soooooo much trial with him, times when he peed in the closet, stacked furniture in his bedroom against the door so we couldn't get in, threatened to jump out of a moving car, out of an upstairs window...school was always a challenge even though he's very smart...never had friends, always isolated, just never easy, never without issues and the older he got, the more belligerent, bullying, angry, and focused on me...so the tears were all about how I spent 19 years raising that child and look how much I accomplished...he's a mean jerk who can't even reply to me on a text...and no, he's never apologized for how he attacked me without a 'but' and he later sent an email about how much I needed to apologize for all that had happened, not recognizing any of what he'd done...and for the past 1+ year, my husband and I have had days when we weren't sure if our difficult child would attack us in our sleep or not....there were nights we barricaded our bedroom door to make sure he couldn't come in...not because he ever threatened us, but because he was so volatile, we weren't sure what he was capable of...but all the time, the entire time, everything he did was MY fault...he got bad grades because life at home was so stressful, life was so stressful at home because of me-- I had the gall to ask him to pick up after himself, his dad wanted him to be respectful...we asked so little of him and held on until he barely graduated high school and then gave him a list of very generous choices of next steps- he agreed to one that meant he'd live at home and go to community college but would live by a list of rules, including going to see his psychiatrist and taking medications- he paid his tuition upfront and we agreed to pay him back if he followed the rules and got a 3.0...starting November, things started turning to the worst and I found pills he should have taken but didn't...was catching him in lies and the cycle was starting all over again...the 'climax' was the day he attacked me but there was a lot leading up to that and the whole time he was 'confiding' in my parents about how awful life at home was and they were giving him what I'm certain was advice to help drive the wedge even deeper between us and him... so in the course of the day, I went from numb to sad to angry and then had fun when we were out in the beautiful sunny day...was able to stop thinking about it for awhile...by the time we got home, I was exhausted...but got through the day....hope you did as well... [/QUOTE]
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