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Why so numb?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 620859" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>BITS, I'm so sorry. You have had a hard time with him. I am going to throw a theory out at you.</p><p></p><p>I know that your son never knew his birthfather. Do you think, however, that, even though he never met him, perhaps he inherited his personality and mental health issues and maybe even a personality disorder (they are finding that they are partly genetic) from his birthfather? I ask because I'm in an adopted parent group and many of the families have met their children's birthparents and almost to a person they all marvel at how much their children are like the birthparent that they have never ever met before. Sometimes they even have the same gestures and ways of walking, yet they were not near one another. I happen to think genetics is bigger than nature. I believe you did everything in the world for this young man and he just never responded to it. Is that like your ex-husband was? If so, you can NOT blame yourself because a child that is 50% your ex's DNA turned out more like your ex than like you. I forgot why you broke up, but I am going to take a wild guess and assume YOU wanted HIM out because he was a major moron, perhaps even violent with perhaps some substance abuse issues. Of course, I could be way off. This is merely all a guess.</p><p></p><p>Your son is the only person in the world that can make his life better, regardless of whether he inherited some bad genes or not. That still stands. He needs to start by taking responsibility for what he does without the "but." You did nothing to provoke his violence. Until he seeks serious help and is willing to work very hard to change his negative personality traits and to accept responsibility for his actions without the "buts" he will stay the same, but it's not your fault and YOU don't have to stagnate with him. </p><p></p><p>As for your husband, if you feel he needs to give you some TLC right now (and I would think it would be very helpful), if just talking to him doesn't help, maybe the two of you can get into couple's counseling. Won't be the first time a difficult child made a once good relationship contentious. You also should get into private therapy for yourself to help you over this. It is such a hard thing to deal with, especially when you only have one kid. I can't even imagine my only child being either 36 or He-Who-Walked-Out-On-Family. Really, I've had quite a hard time with both of my oldest boys, with the one who walked out hurting me more than 36, since 36 is at least in my life and okay at times and from a distance. But I do have to still deal with his moods. Fun, fun, fun.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, honestly, I wish I had not been able to have biological children. I know that's terrible and I couldn't say that to anyone but the group here. 36 has been such a handful from Day One. I also truly do wish I had never thought I could adopt a child from another culture who was already six years old. WHAT WAS I THINKING???? Well, I loved kids and wnated to give a hard-to-place chld a loving home. And I did. And he walked out on me. The true loves of my life are my husband (he is my second one though...lol) and, more seriously, my pregnant, beloved daughter Julie, my sweet son Sonic and my precious Jumper. I no longer can even think of He-Who-Left as a child of mine because he has been gone for so long and 36...I love him lots and lots, but I really could never live with him or even near him and I don't even really know my grandson from him because he is far away too.</p><p></p><p>See? Your post brought out an emotional whinefest in me...lol. I was close to tears when I typed about He-Who-Left. That was the most brutal kid experience of the my entire life. I could not have done it without all the help I got. I felt so lost and empty, even though I did have four other children and my hubby. I know what you are going through, and it will get better. Time is a great healer.</p><p></p><p>Try to have a peaceful, serene night and think about what your options are to help YOURSELF get through this. We care about you, but we are not professionals. Be good to yourself and get outside help for you and for you and hubby if need be. Don't neglect yourself anymore and don't blame yourself for how your son turned out. It was not because of anything you did. 36 had a good life too. Heck, he was doted on.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 620859, member: 1550"] BITS, I'm so sorry. You have had a hard time with him. I am going to throw a theory out at you. I know that your son never knew his birthfather. Do you think, however, that, even though he never met him, perhaps he inherited his personality and mental health issues and maybe even a personality disorder (they are finding that they are partly genetic) from his birthfather? I ask because I'm in an adopted parent group and many of the families have met their children's birthparents and almost to a person they all marvel at how much their children are like the birthparent that they have never ever met before. Sometimes they even have the same gestures and ways of walking, yet they were not near one another. I happen to think genetics is bigger than nature. I believe you did everything in the world for this young man and he just never responded to it. Is that like your ex-husband was? If so, you can NOT blame yourself because a child that is 50% your ex's DNA turned out more like your ex than like you. I forgot why you broke up, but I am going to take a wild guess and assume YOU wanted HIM out because he was a major moron, perhaps even violent with perhaps some substance abuse issues. Of course, I could be way off. This is merely all a guess. Your son is the only person in the world that can make his life better, regardless of whether he inherited some bad genes or not. That still stands. He needs to start by taking responsibility for what he does without the "but." You did nothing to provoke his violence. Until he seeks serious help and is willing to work very hard to change his negative personality traits and to accept responsibility for his actions without the "buts" he will stay the same, but it's not your fault and YOU don't have to stagnate with him. As for your husband, if you feel he needs to give you some TLC right now (and I would think it would be very helpful), if just talking to him doesn't help, maybe the two of you can get into couple's counseling. Won't be the first time a difficult child made a once good relationship contentious. You also should get into private therapy for yourself to help you over this. It is such a hard thing to deal with, especially when you only have one kid. I can't even imagine my only child being either 36 or He-Who-Walked-Out-On-Family. Really, I've had quite a hard time with both of my oldest boys, with the one who walked out hurting me more than 36, since 36 is at least in my life and okay at times and from a distance. But I do have to still deal with his moods. Fun, fun, fun. Sometimes, honestly, I wish I had not been able to have biological children. I know that's terrible and I couldn't say that to anyone but the group here. 36 has been such a handful from Day One. I also truly do wish I had never thought I could adopt a child from another culture who was already six years old. WHAT WAS I THINKING???? Well, I loved kids and wnated to give a hard-to-place chld a loving home. And I did. And he walked out on me. The true loves of my life are my husband (he is my second one though...lol) and, more seriously, my pregnant, beloved daughter Julie, my sweet son Sonic and my precious Jumper. I no longer can even think of He-Who-Left as a child of mine because he has been gone for so long and 36...I love him lots and lots, but I really could never live with him or even near him and I don't even really know my grandson from him because he is far away too. See? Your post brought out an emotional whinefest in me...lol. I was close to tears when I typed about He-Who-Left. That was the most brutal kid experience of the my entire life. I could not have done it without all the help I got. I felt so lost and empty, even though I did have four other children and my hubby. I know what you are going through, and it will get better. Time is a great healer. Try to have a peaceful, serene night and think about what your options are to help YOURSELF get through this. We care about you, but we are not professionals. Be good to yourself and get outside help for you and for you and hubby if need be. Don't neglect yourself anymore and don't blame yourself for how your son turned out. It was not because of anything you did. 36 had a good life too. Heck, he was doted on. [/QUOTE]
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