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Why so numb?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 620882" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>BITS, I am sorry you are still in some of the most intense phases of this (numbness is even intense) but as you pass through the phases you are on the right road. You are on the road to a happier, more peaceful, more calm, more contented life. You are on the road to serenity. You are on the road back to YOU. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Numb is one stop on the journey. Perhaps the first stop was Denial---again, protection for us when things are just too much to bear. Numb is another one. Fear another, more active one---that I believe causes some of the most reaction we do to our difficult children behavior. Feeling our fear and accepting it wholeheartedly is a one way to negate that compulsion to react. Another is Anger, another is Depression, another is deep Despair. Another is Powerlessness. As we move along on this journey, we also experience Relief, Acceptance, Love, Compassion...and I am sure there are others. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, I agree with MWM, and you may cycle back through it again, more times. Like the other stops/stages on the journey.</p><p></p><p>I find that I can cycle through one or more or four in the same day, sometimes, like you talk about doing yesterday. Sometimes I stay in one for the whole day. Usually, going to sleep at night breaks the cycle and the next day, I will be at another stop and another stage. </p><p></p><p>One thing is for sure: You won't stay where you are. I think this IS recovery---this cycling through stops and stages. We are growing. In this deep pain and discomfort and all of the above emotions---we are growing. We are learning to live with Uncertainty. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes! This is a tool. Gratitude is a tool, making that list, every morning---sometimes stopping and doing it several times a day. There is always so much to be grateful for, even in the midst of this AWFULNESS. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, that is God's plan---that we can't or won't suffer so much (most of us, most of the time) that it becomes unbearable. I know some people do and it leads to suicide or other acts. But most of us, dealing with our difficult children, learning to live with their decisions, the outrageousness of them, is so painful. Sometimes we just have to go numb. That is our protection for a while. Until we can feel again.</p><p></p><p>As I have said this week, I have been angry this week. So angry at the senselessness of my difficult child's decision to be homeless, to use drugs, to live on the street when there are other solutions. So angry at the utter waste of it all. I am sure that under the anger is fear, powerlessness, sadness. And above it, is relief, acceptance, gratitude---that he doesn't live in my house where I have to look at this every single, my growing acceptance (definitely not there yet at all) of his choices and that THIS may be the way it always is forever or for a long, long time, and gratitude---I am so grateful for all I do have and yes, I am even grateful that he is alive and thus there is a chance for a new start for him.</p><p></p><p>BITS, you will not always feel this way, whatever you are feeling today. You will stop and go to another stage and another stop.</p><p></p><p>And your precious difficult child is also changing---right now---all the time. He will likely be different tomorrow---maybe closer to you and maybe not. </p><p></p><p>We are not the source of all action for our difficult children. I am learning that sitting completely still when it comes to my difficult child means that other streams of force and action---himself, the courts, the police, people he is with right now---those are active. </p><p></p><p>I need to stop. I need to let go. I need to let time take its time. I need to be silent. I have spent so much time and so many years, BITS, talking and acting and trying and working for HIM. For HIM. He is now 24.5 years old. </p><p></p><p>It is time for other streams of force and action to take over. It is time for me to stop, to stand by, with compassion, with love and with a hand out---IF and WHEN he decides he wants true help. Until then, there is nothing for me to do. There is no role for me to play. </p><p></p><p>Let me continue to learn HOW to do that, BITS, just for today. </p><p></p><p>I am praying for you BITS. I am so glad you had a good day tomorrow. Today, feel your pain, but see if you can decide, just for a few hours, not to SUFFER. Pain is one thing. Suffering is another.</p><p></p><p>Blessings and peace and joy I am praying for you on this beautiful day.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 620882, member: 17542"] BITS, I am sorry you are still in some of the most intense phases of this (numbness is even intense) but as you pass through the phases you are on the right road. You are on the road to a happier, more peaceful, more calm, more contented life. You are on the road to serenity. You are on the road back to YOU. Numb is one stop on the journey. Perhaps the first stop was Denial---again, protection for us when things are just too much to bear. Numb is another one. Fear another, more active one---that I believe causes some of the most reaction we do to our difficult children behavior. Feeling our fear and accepting it wholeheartedly is a one way to negate that compulsion to react. Another is Anger, another is Depression, another is deep Despair. Another is Powerlessness. As we move along on this journey, we also experience Relief, Acceptance, Love, Compassion...and I am sure there are others. Yes, I agree with MWM, and you may cycle back through it again, more times. Like the other stops/stages on the journey. I find that I can cycle through one or more or four in the same day, sometimes, like you talk about doing yesterday. Sometimes I stay in one for the whole day. Usually, going to sleep at night breaks the cycle and the next day, I will be at another stop and another stage. One thing is for sure: You won't stay where you are. I think this IS recovery---this cycling through stops and stages. We are growing. In this deep pain and discomfort and all of the above emotions---we are growing. We are learning to live with Uncertainty. Yes! This is a tool. Gratitude is a tool, making that list, every morning---sometimes stopping and doing it several times a day. There is always so much to be grateful for, even in the midst of this AWFULNESS. Yes, that is God's plan---that we can't or won't suffer so much (most of us, most of the time) that it becomes unbearable. I know some people do and it leads to suicide or other acts. But most of us, dealing with our difficult children, learning to live with their decisions, the outrageousness of them, is so painful. Sometimes we just have to go numb. That is our protection for a while. Until we can feel again. As I have said this week, I have been angry this week. So angry at the senselessness of my difficult child's decision to be homeless, to use drugs, to live on the street when there are other solutions. So angry at the utter waste of it all. I am sure that under the anger is fear, powerlessness, sadness. And above it, is relief, acceptance, gratitude---that he doesn't live in my house where I have to look at this every single, my growing acceptance (definitely not there yet at all) of his choices and that THIS may be the way it always is forever or for a long, long time, and gratitude---I am so grateful for all I do have and yes, I am even grateful that he is alive and thus there is a chance for a new start for him. BITS, you will not always feel this way, whatever you are feeling today. You will stop and go to another stage and another stop. And your precious difficult child is also changing---right now---all the time. He will likely be different tomorrow---maybe closer to you and maybe not. We are not the source of all action for our difficult children. I am learning that sitting completely still when it comes to my difficult child means that other streams of force and action---himself, the courts, the police, people he is with right now---those are active. I need to stop. I need to let go. I need to let time take its time. I need to be silent. I have spent so much time and so many years, BITS, talking and acting and trying and working for HIM. For HIM. He is now 24.5 years old. It is time for other streams of force and action to take over. It is time for me to stop, to stand by, with compassion, with love and with a hand out---IF and WHEN he decides he wants true help. Until then, there is nothing for me to do. There is no role for me to play. Let me continue to learn HOW to do that, BITS, just for today. I am praying for you BITS. I am so glad you had a good day tomorrow. Today, feel your pain, but see if you can decide, just for a few hours, not to SUFFER. Pain is one thing. Suffering is another. Blessings and peace and joy I am praying for you on this beautiful day. [/QUOTE]
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