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wife struggling with detachment
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 175314" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>HWGA (okay first did you see mustangs post about VC BC? there were mermaid whips or something very cool pics - know you like sea life) </p><p> </p><p>As far as the drama that plays out in difficult child's life? If you break it down and disect it (really going for the scientist theme aren't I?) it boils down to: </p><p> </p><p>a/ I am a drunk - well yes you are</p><p>b/ I am so pathetic - well yes you are</p><p>c/ I NEED you to - um where is the independence in I NEED?</p><p>d/ I WANT - um again - if followed by YOU meaning I want</p><p> you? It's usually followed by MONEY, MONEY FOR GAS, MONEY FOR CIGARETTES, MONEY FOR FOOD, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY. What we do NOT hear is I want to go to the psychiatrist, I want to go to AA, I want to stay away from booze, I want to do this on my own but I am scared, I want a new life, I want things that I CAN have if I apply myself. None of the latter involve MONEY if she is really serious she can do it on her own right down to finding food. I have given Dude a list of all the soup kitchens - he was not amused. It told him don't throw the list away. There is always a meal available to him here - ALWAYS but NOTHING else as long as I have to endure I WANT/I NEED. </p><p>e/ Agree to disagree about difficult child. Don't allow her to drive a wedge between you and wife. Yell out like we do - NEUTRAL corners!!!! And walk away when you have had a time or and hour to think. Then sit and allow HER to say her peace without interruption and then you get the same in kind. </p><p> </p><p>There is also - I think in some people the unconscious want to keep tabs on our children. It's hard enough when they are normal and not doing dumb stuff to back off and let them drive, live, breathe without us sticking the parental mirror under their noses to see if they are alive. It's even MORE of a crutch with our children. Because 7 outta 4 times (love the odds there huh?) they are going to do some boneheaded thing to get themselves into MORE trouble and as parents WE (WE WE WE ) try to avoid this for them instead of letting them fall. DF tells me that I'm still not quite able to pull out the safety net - in all situations but I'm doing consideraby better at not "INTERFERING" (giving money, rides, doing things) and oddly enough - the thing that is bringing him closer to us IS the fact that when he ran/sowed oats or barley - and got it all mostly out of his system (not having money or moms help to buy clothes makes you a player in the same outfits a lot and that is NOT cool) so now I'm getting a little attention. Absence makes the heart grow fonder - and now I get calls asking me what I'm doing. As if he cared. Well maybe he does - I havent' called HIm in over 6 months. I just let him run to the end of his rope, and now by all accounts I'm still Mom but I'm like sideview mirror Mom. </p><p> </p><p>Things in the mirror are not always as bad as they appear. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs - Hang in there. </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 175314, member: 4964"] HWGA (okay first did you see mustangs post about VC BC? there were mermaid whips or something very cool pics - know you like sea life) As far as the drama that plays out in difficult child's life? If you break it down and disect it (really going for the scientist theme aren't I?) it boils down to: a/ I am a drunk - well yes you are b/ I am so pathetic - well yes you are c/ I NEED you to - um where is the independence in I NEED? d/ I WANT - um again - if followed by YOU meaning I want you? It's usually followed by MONEY, MONEY FOR GAS, MONEY FOR CIGARETTES, MONEY FOR FOOD, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY. What we do NOT hear is I want to go to the psychiatrist, I want to go to AA, I want to stay away from booze, I want to do this on my own but I am scared, I want a new life, I want things that I CAN have if I apply myself. None of the latter involve MONEY if she is really serious she can do it on her own right down to finding food. I have given Dude a list of all the soup kitchens - he was not amused. It told him don't throw the list away. There is always a meal available to him here - ALWAYS but NOTHING else as long as I have to endure I WANT/I NEED. e/ Agree to disagree about difficult child. Don't allow her to drive a wedge between you and wife. Yell out like we do - NEUTRAL corners!!!! And walk away when you have had a time or and hour to think. Then sit and allow HER to say her peace without interruption and then you get the same in kind. There is also - I think in some people the unconscious want to keep tabs on our children. It's hard enough when they are normal and not doing dumb stuff to back off and let them drive, live, breathe without us sticking the parental mirror under their noses to see if they are alive. It's even MORE of a crutch with our children. Because 7 outta 4 times (love the odds there huh?) they are going to do some boneheaded thing to get themselves into MORE trouble and as parents WE (WE WE WE ) try to avoid this for them instead of letting them fall. DF tells me that I'm still not quite able to pull out the safety net - in all situations but I'm doing consideraby better at not "INTERFERING" (giving money, rides, doing things) and oddly enough - the thing that is bringing him closer to us IS the fact that when he ran/sowed oats or barley - and got it all mostly out of his system (not having money or moms help to buy clothes makes you a player in the same outfits a lot and that is NOT cool) so now I'm getting a little attention. Absence makes the heart grow fonder - and now I get calls asking me what I'm doing. As if he cared. Well maybe he does - I havent' called HIm in over 6 months. I just let him run to the end of his rope, and now by all accounts I'm still Mom but I'm like sideview mirror Mom. Things in the mirror are not always as bad as they appear. Hugs - Hang in there. Star [/QUOTE]
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