Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Work and Germany; Benedictines and Buddhists: Attitude
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 672985" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I have one picture of me with my mother. Unfortunately I look ugly. She looks beautiful. I have wanted to cut myself out of the picture, but it is my only one of the two of us together. And still, I want to cut myself out. I look ugly, she looks beautiful. And we look alike.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>I knew she treated me badly. I always knew. </p><p></p><p>But I could never ever see her as anything other than a star. To be worshiped. Her and me, bad news. Her alone, stellar. A knock out. Me: ugly.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>Ourselves.</p><p>Yes. I remember introducing my mother to a friend. I brought my mother to her home. I must have been 27 or so. I had built my mother up to be Elizabeth Taylor. Afterwards, the friend said, well, she's attractive, but what's the big deal? Or something like that.</p><p>Yes. Part of this buying is because I could never have anything. I was not allowed. My mother bought what she wanted. My mother was extremely self-indulgent with clothes, with jewelry. For herself. Me? I was dressed well by her. I had no free reign to define who I was through fashion, style on her person and home. Although I am gifted at putting outfits together, and incredible about design. </p><p></p><p>I did not permit myself to exercise this love and talent my whole life. Even when I had money. Now that my mother has died and I am recovering, I am out of control. I am afraid I will be an impoverished elder I am spending so much. Tonight alone I bought maybe 10 things, and committed to maybe buy 40 more, in auctions. I had intended to stop. This is an addiction. </p><p>I am diseased in wanting. I could not want. So inside me, now I want everything. I cannot stop. My desire for things, is insatiable. I wonder what void I am trying to fill? I do not even like things. I want to stop.</p><p>Yes. While my mother was here in the house, when I went frozen working 24 hours a day, she did well. She was in the light. I kept her in the light. I bought her clothes and jewelry. <em>Like I am buying jewelry for myself</em>. Now. And then, when I decided I could not do it anymore, that to keep her in the light, I was dying, spiritually, emotionally, physically, I made the decision to save myself. And she began to die. I felt I killed her. She could not live without the light. </p><p></p><p>It was then she starting screaming. She became incontinent. She began to die. For real.</p><p>I hate her with all my heart. She is a sadist, Cedar.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>I am getting there. </p><p></p><p>Except the crap I really do not need is that which is arriving everyday in the mail that I am buying. Compulsively.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 672985, member: 18958"] I have one picture of me with my mother. Unfortunately I look ugly. She looks beautiful. I have wanted to cut myself out of the picture, but it is my only one of the two of us together. And still, I want to cut myself out. I look ugly, she looks beautiful. And we look alike. Yes. I knew she treated me badly. I always knew. But I could never ever see her as anything other than a star. To be worshiped. Her and me, bad news. Her alone, stellar. A knock out. Me: ugly. Yes. Ourselves. Yes. I remember introducing my mother to a friend. I brought my mother to her home. I must have been 27 or so. I had built my mother up to be Elizabeth Taylor. Afterwards, the friend said, well, she's attractive, but what's the big deal? Or something like that. Yes. Part of this buying is because I could never have anything. I was not allowed. My mother bought what she wanted. My mother was extremely self-indulgent with clothes, with jewelry. For herself. Me? I was dressed well by her. I had no free reign to define who I was through fashion, style on her person and home. Although I am gifted at putting outfits together, and incredible about design. I did not permit myself to exercise this love and talent my whole life. Even when I had money. Now that my mother has died and I am recovering, I am out of control. I am afraid I will be an impoverished elder I am spending so much. Tonight alone I bought maybe 10 things, and committed to maybe buy 40 more, in auctions. I had intended to stop. This is an addiction. I am diseased in wanting. I could not want. So inside me, now I want everything. I cannot stop. My desire for things, is insatiable. I wonder what void I am trying to fill? I do not even like things. I want to stop. Yes. While my mother was here in the house, when I went frozen working 24 hours a day, she did well. She was in the light. I kept her in the light. I bought her clothes and jewelry. [I]Like I am buying jewelry for myself[/I]. Now. And then, when I decided I could not do it anymore, that to keep her in the light, I was dying, spiritually, emotionally, physically, I made the decision to save myself. And she began to die. I felt I killed her. She could not live without the light. It was then she starting screaming. She became incontinent. She began to die. For real. I hate her with all my heart. She is a sadist, Cedar. Yes. I am getting there. Except the crap I really do not need is that which is arriving everyday in the mail that I am buying. Compulsively. COPA [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Work and Germany; Benedictines and Buddhists: Attitude
Top